I feel like a big, fat pig!
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| Sat, 02-28-2004 - 6:44pm |
I saw some videos of me today and I look like a huge blown up balloon! I went from 139 to 165 this last year. And the weight is still coming on. I have a huge problem with eating. As soon as I even think about trying to lose weight, I want to eat more! It's definitely a food addiction, because it is something I can't control.
I have a treadmill, but decide against using it because the way I eat, I only can maintain. And this depresses me. I hate being my size, and I hate thinking about what size I'm going to be. I end up telling myself "well, you're going to be fat anyways, you might as well sit on the couch and enjoy it instead of huffing and puffing on the treadmill. Either way, you're still going to be fat in the end."
I have 2 small kids (ages 4 and 6), and I'm miserable at home. Being miserable makes me want to eat. I have NO motivation to move any farther than to the kitchen and back. This is pitiful. I am pitiful. I wish I had the money for a personal trainer at a gym and a therapist to help me with my eating disorder, but we live on one tight income right now. We barely get by on just minumum expenses right now. We have to really work hard at saving money just to buy clothes for the kids, especially now that spring is coming and they're a foot taller!
I know I am having a pity party attitude, but tomorrow I have a major stress event to go to. I have to take the kids to their cousin's b'day party. Last year, I had just lost 25 lbs taking weight loss meds. (did more harm than good in the end), and my sister's in laws where all amazed at how good I looked. Tomorrow they are getting a real eye full when they see me 25 lbs heavier. I'm sure they won't say anything to my face, but I know what they will be thinking. I'm sick to my stomach right now, and want to crawl into a hole and die. I'm going to die a big, fat pig. There is no way to get out of this mess I put myself into, cause lordy have I tried! No matter what, I'm stuck with being fat forever.
Thanks for letting me vent. It feels better just to get this out. I can't get a job right now, I have tried to change my "lifestyle" but always end up in the same 'ol rut, and I have no friends. Hubby is overweight too and enjoys it. What a miserable mess I made of my life! Where's the do over button?
Heidi

1- Instead of eating 3 meals a day, eat several SMALL meals - mainly fruits and veggies in between the main meals. I prepared a vegitable tray and left it in the fridge- that way when I did go to "graze" - I would see those. No dressing to dip it in ( calories galore!) and that took awhile! Keep in mind that a standard serving size of meat is the size of a deck of cards! I have yet to see a restaraunt that believes that! That leads me to eating at home- not only will it save money, it will save you calories. DO NOT eat an HOUR before you go to bed- if you MUST- make it some of the veggies! (only a couple!) and some water! DONT EAT SUGAR- cookies and brownies and all those yummy things that we love SO much- limit it to 2 a week. I have mine on Friday and Saturday night. 2 cookies or 1 brownine or 1 piece of cake ( small one!). That way, I dont feel like I am TOTALLY depriving myself, but I am ot eating it everyday! Plus- its better for the rest of the family too!
2- ONLY DRINK WATER_ SO MUCH YOU THINK YOU"LL GET SICK!!! I allow myself one cup of coffee in the morning. And one small glass of milk (SKIM) a day. I also take a multi vitamin to compensate for the calcium I am not drinking ( gotta think about those bones!)
Yes, you will go to the bathroom a lot!!!
3- MOVE. You dont have to go for a 3 mile hike at first - vaccuum the floor- a couple times a day - REALLY good- wash windows, make beds, fold laundry ( standing up), play fetch with the dog ( with MY dog that requires I fetch...lol), clean the kids room, dust- everything- window sills- the itty bitty ledge above the window. Yes, it sounds ambitious- it IS ambitious - but its better than aerobics at first...You mentioned you have a treadmill...make a promise to walk on it for 5 minutes a day. then a week or so later, after 5 minutes seems like nothing ( and I promise, it WILL), up it to 10, so on and so forth. Put it in front of the TV, or put in a CD. I dont have one, and I did it like this: At first, during commercials I would excercise- some jogging in place, so jumping jacks, some sit ups ( pretty pitiful sight...lol) - so on and so forth. I would do this for an hour ( I did it during Regis & Kellie....lol) - then, I started doing it during the SHOW and resting during the commercials.
What really motivated me was the thought that I wanted to be around to see my daughter get married and have her own family. I wanted to be at her college graduation, and to hear what her first day at work was like at her first "grown up" job. The thought that I want to know my grandchildren- and hopefully see them grow up to have THEIR own families!!! I didnt do it for myself- I did it for her. And I am grateful I did. I have the energy to play with her now. This summer ( July) she will be starting Kindergarten. We only have one car, and hubby has to work ( gosh darn it!) and since we live RIGHT behind the school, I will be walking with her to and from. So I will have that ( of course- July here isnt exactly cool....) At least now I KNOW I will be able to walk that whole quarter of a mile without having to break.
You will have good days and bad days, and you cant beat yourself up for the bad. The killer for me is when i get sick- its hard to get back into a routine.
Most states have a free or low cost mental health clinic. You may want to check into that. There is also Over eaters anonomyous programs- like an AA for overeaters - I found the link for you (http://www.oa.org/). Tell your friends and your family what you want to do- get their support- they all love you and want you to be healthy!!!!
BTW- my hubby is also happily overweight- I cant change him- I can change ME - and he likes me better with more energy- if ya catch my drift! ;)
If you want to talk, feel free to email me anytime!
Debbie
debbies@nc.rr.com
OA
http://www.oa.org/
The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Edited 2/28/2004 7:49:23 PM ET by pippin1023
Edited 2/28/2004 7:50:39 PM ET by pippin1023
I've been eating all the time too! I know that I justify it with the fact that I'm pregnant (again, all too soon, found out that I was pregnant THE DAY that I could fit back into my old jeans, literally.) Anyway, even though I'm pregnant and I let myself eat whatever I want during this time, I know that I am doing it out of boredom. But I LOVE to eat! And I am the same way you are. Even when I'm not pregnant, I eat a ton. And I work out everyday, but can only manage to maintain. That is the most frusturating thing! You would think (like I did), "heck, I worked out for an hour today! I should be able to eat what everyone else is eating! Geez, they don't even GO to the gym!" Nope! I have to eat little and exercise lots. That's just me (and you, it seems).
So, let me tell you how I lost weight.
I weighed 178 and got down to 143. It took about 6 months.
First of all, I forced myself to work out in the morning. I would set the alarm (this is before kids) and I would get up. I convinced myself to get up because I knew that the extra 1/2 hour of sleep would not do me any good, but walking for 20 mins would (that was my original goal). Now, I just don't take a shower till I've "earned it" (yep, even pregnant, I still work out 5 days a week and I have an 11 month old). Truth be told, I got addicted to exercise. I sleep better, feel better and have a better attitude, even if I still eat a ton. Ha ha.
The other thing I did was join Weight Watchers. For big eaters (like me) it's really the best thing. You learn about portion sizes and just what it is that you are putting in your mouth all day. It was tough at first, but over time, I believe that my stomach just got smaller. I plan on heading back to the program after I have this baby.
Don't let yourself sit there and think that you have an "eating disorder"! Food tastes good and you are depressed at home and food makes you feel good, like something to look forward too. In the morning do you think about the good things you can make for breakfast? Is that one of your few sources of enjoyment/excitement? I know, because, being pregnant, there are SO MANY things taken away (a nice glass of wine, a hot cup of coffee, a relaxing time in the hot tub) that I turn to food for my enjoyment. You are bummed at home...instead of eating, get up, move, spring is coming and you should consider it a time of rebirth for yourself too. Don't worry about what the others think. Worry about what YOU think! A big motivating factor for me is that I don't want to be the mom (like my mom) that sits out at the lake or the pool or at the park because she too embarrassed to get into a bathing suit in front of other people. So, increase your self-esteem for your kids!
Don't set a crazy goal either (like "I want to look like Heidi Klum before June") and don't try diet pills or something else crazy. Best piece of advice I ever heard is:
"You didn't get fat overnight, and you won't get skinny overnight either!"
Get on the treadmill, even for 5 mins (like the previous poster said)
OWN what you eat. You are eating too much. Stop. Every time you want to eat some thing sweet, eat a dill pickle (I swear, that works for me!)
And don't restrict everything. If you want a piece of cake, eat it. Just not the whole thing!
Another good book to check out is "Body for Life" by Bill Phillips. Talk about inspiration! You might like it.
Hope I didn't sound too harsh, but I believe that we get what we deserve. When I feel upset because my jeans don't fit, I think, "You want to play, you got to pay" because I KNOW when I overeat. So do you!
HTH,
Melissa