Should I wait?
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Should I wait?
| Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:50pm |
Hi! I am 20 yrs old....and April will be my DH and I 1 yr anniversary. We have actually be together 3 yrs....and lived together 1 yr before we got married. Now..I feel a strong urge to get pregnant. I REALLY want a baby. I want one so bad..that I almost cry when I see another baby. I get excited just thinking about having a baby. Plus I have 5 cousins that are due to have a baby this year...and it just kills me..I am SO jealous. I plan to be a SAHM....because I couldn't see leaving my child. I decided to go off the pill in December...and My DH and I decided not to try..but if it happens it happens. Some of my family keeps telling me that I need to wait....and others tell me that I should go ahead and have a baby while I am young. I can see the pros and cons about both... But what I want to know is if you think I should wait? And I would really appreciate any tips..and info that you think I should know.
Thanks in Advance,
Christy

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1) Where do you live? Do you own your own house (optimal)? Or rent an apartment? Do you live with relatives?
2) Can you honestly live on one salary? How much does your hubby make? Will you be able to live like you want to if you are not working and you have a babies expenses?
3) Have you done what you want with your life? What I mean is that if you have a baby now, will you be upset that you have not gone on the weeklong vacation to the Bahamas? Is there anything that you can do that you will not be able to with a child?
4) Do you want a baby to hold and cuddle or to want to start a family? Those are two different things. Do you want to elevate your relationship with your hubby from the newlywed level to the family level...complete with no sex for a while and all the stress a child brings? Are you ready for that?
5) You say that you are ready. You say that you want to be a SAHM. What does your hubby think? Is he with you on this?
Listen, I love my son. I wouldn't trade him for the world. But I waited until I was really ready...not just yearning for a baby. Having a child is hard work, and it is not something that should be gone into on a whim "Oh, I went off my BC and we will see what happens".
Christy
I agree with points of the previous posters to your question. I agree that 20 may be young, however, my mom was 20 when she had me, and I was her second baby. We were always taken care of very well. As far as the owning a house...it is ideal. And if possible, do it. I can't tell you one way or another, we rent, and have a 9 month dd. We are in the process of buying a home, but it hasn't happened yet. I also agree that you can NEVER be financially ready for a baby, if you waited for that, you would be retired, and living off your pension, or rsp's, and be set for the remainder of your life, and out of child rearing years. Just my opinion.
It all comes down to a few points. Is it what you AND dh want, are you going to be emotionally able to be a sahm & mom, and not have "days off" or "nights out with the girls" you mentioned that you have a few cousins or friends who are due soon. An idea might be to take one of the newborns for a whole day, and hopefully overnight. I realize this may only work if baby is formula fed, or can have expressed breast milk. But it may give you a good look at the 24/7 time clock that it entails.
Good luck to you and your dh... it's a big decsion, best wishes!
Lesley
I was 19 I've known him since I was born, we've been married since I was 22 I'm 27 now and hes 30. We just had a little girl this past december and hve no plans for anymore. So that was one reason we decided to wait a little longer. But another and probably the most important as we wanted to have a strong foundation to bulid on beacause neither of us believe in divorce. Everyone is different if you think ya'll are ready go for it!! Good Luck!!
HTH,
Shelby
SAHM to Haylei
I don't really think the age is a factor always. I believe it's more the stability of your marriage. You need a very strong foundation to endure kids. You will have more fun than you ever thought possible, and at times, more stress! You and your husband need great communication and understanding of being a parent (discipline ideas, morals, etc.) My husband and I agree on our discipline behaviors, we communicate very well. It would be hard to build a relationship while having kids. You lose time with eachother one on one. You lose the freedom of getting up and going when you feel the need. But you also gain sooo many things. I love being a young parent. I have so much energy and patience (you don't always see that in older couples who are "set in their ways"). When our youngest graduates high school, I won't even be 40. So my husband and I will have our "alone time" later on in life. We were ready and willing to sacrifice that. I just believe that you know when you are ready. Just because you are young, sometimes people get the impression you can't be a good parent. My kids are super sweet, caring, loving, polite, just all around great kids. We get great comments everywhere we go. THey have everything they ever want and need. I hate the stereotypes.
Okay, enough preaching :) Just wanted to give a different angle. We are young, building our new home, on one salary, and have a wonderful marriage, and even better kids. It can happen :)
Good Luck with your decision.
Allison
AJ
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If you think you are ready, then do it.
But do know that this is a life descion.
I was 19 when I had my first child. I missed out on a lot of stuff people do at that age.
I would not change it for the world that I had my son, but I do wish I had waited longer so I could have done the things I wanted to, causing having kids, they are # 1.
I think it is you and your husbands choice, not anyone else's, cause it will be you two that will be taking care of the child.
But having kids can happen anytime you are ready, so don't feel you have to rush :)
Good luck.
Mel
Andrew 3-4-99
Dalton 12-4-03
I got pregnant when I was 20,and my DH and I been together forabout 3 years when I got preg. I was happy and a little scared. But now in retrospect I wish we would've waited a little bit longer. Because when you have kids EVERYTHING changes...some good and some not so good. Don't get me wrong I love my 2 babies very much,but your still young and I know how it is getting around pregnant women and new babies. But the difference is that's not you having to get up about 5 times a night.lol So please think about it long and hard and please enjoy your freedom with your husband because once you have kids you will not have much time without them. That means no movies and restaurants when you want. But having children will change your life forever and they are the best entertainment.lol. So best of luck with whatever you choose and remember that all your friends that have kids are probably envying you and your husband,right now.lol
Sheri:)
Having said that, I have to admit that I am biosed because I have been fighting the "age" stereotype for 8 yrs now. I am 24 (almost 25), and I have a 7 yr old DD (plus later added a 4.5 yr old DS and a 2 yr old DD with my DH). I had people just fall over because I was a "teenage mom" who breastfed for 2 yrs, used cloth diapers, responded to every cue from my baby (which were a LOT, because she didn't stop crying for 4 months!) used cloth diapers, and read every parenting book I could find! I just didn't fit in the mold people had made for me! And beleive me, they kept trying to cram me in it! It was So frusterating. This society made it really hard for me to be the best mother I could be, because I was torn down no matter how hard I tried! The biggest "complement" I ever received was from my Dad (who was no better than anyone else in this country) who said to someone else while I stood there feeling like a fool "she's a pretty good mother, for being a teenager!" Gee thanks, was that a complement? I liked to think I was a good mother, even if I was 35 at the time!
I really lucked out that things turned my way, but I also feel that I deserve it for trying so hard to be the best mother I could be for my DD. I met a WONDERFUL man who fell in love with my DD before he even thought about a relationship with me, and we have been married and have added two more children to our family together (we wanted to keep them close together since our family was already "started"). He loves providing for us while I stay home and raise our own kids. He legally adopted my DD as his own before she started Kindergarten, so we are as "normal" as we can be, inspite of my screwups as a teenager.
As someone else pointed out, there are actually advantages to being young parents too. Honestly, I don't even have a clue on what I missed out, because I never got to see what there was. I have no selfish regrets at all. I do have regrets for my DD who might encounter problems as a result of my "mistakes", but I never wish I could have been "more selfish". I will barely be 40 when my youngest graduates high school, so DH and I will have our "alone time" for plenty of our life together. Actually, I think it will be nicer for us to have our alone time after children are grown instead of before, because HOPEFULLY, we will have more financial security, and be more established to enjoy it that much more! ;) Younger parents tend to have more energy and ambition to be able to keep up with children, and I have seen many suggestions where they are saying that young parents are more likely to adjust to new situations better and change easier. Think about it, if you are young, you didn't spend 20 yrs with the same daily routine you are attached to, to turn around and change it when parenthood comes! You aren't used to driving around a sports car, to turn around and trade it in for a minivan! You don't miss it, if you never had it!
Anyway, the "perfect" setup to have a baby never comes. There is ALWAYS something that "should" be done before a baby comes, but think about it... how important is it REALLY going to be to the baby? All five of us live in a two bedroom apartment until I graduate from college in two years. Do you really think my kids are missing out? I doubt they even know how things "should" be. We are all cozy and close, and I actually like it this way (while the kids are young! LOL). Most people don't think it's ideal, but it works for us, and we are all happy "inspite" of it!
It only took me 3 months to get preg., and I had my daughter in Nov.'03! I love her so much, and would not rather change ANY decisions I made about having a baby!! I say, why wait a year?? Unless there is any major changes coming financially or something...then you go girl!!! Babies can go along for the ride as well as you can!!! And don't let anyone tell you how hard it'll be...if you want this, you'll do just fine!!! I did!
You can email me if you want to chat more!!! Good luck, and I hope I helped you!!!
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