Should I wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Should I wait?
15
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:50pm
Hi! I am 20 yrs old....and April will be my DH and I 1 yr anniversary. We have actually be together 3 yrs....and lived together 1 yr before we got married. Now..I feel a strong urge to get pregnant. I REALLY want a baby. I want one so bad..that I almost cry when I see another baby. I get excited just thinking about having a baby. Plus I have 5 cousins that are due to have a baby this year...and it just kills me..I am SO jealous. I plan to be a SAHM....because I couldn't see leaving my child. I decided to go off the pill in December...and My DH and I decided not to try..but if it happens it happens. Some of my family keeps telling me that I need to wait....and others tell me that I should go ahead and have a baby while I am young. I can see the pros and cons about both... But what I want to know is if you think I should wait? And I would really appreciate any tips..and info that you think I should know.

Thanks in Advance,

Christy

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:06pm
Well, since you asked my opinion, I will give it to you. I think you are too young. While you are never "perfectly ready", there are some benchmarks that I think a couple should meet before having a child.

1) Where do you live? Do you own your own house (optimal)? Or rent an apartment? Do you live with relatives?

2) Can you honestly live on one salary? How much does your hubby make? Will you be able to live like you want to if you are not working and you have a babies expenses?

3) Have you done what you want with your life? What I mean is that if you have a baby now, will you be upset that you have not gone on the weeklong vacation to the Bahamas? Is there anything that you can do that you will not be able to with a child?

4) Do you want a baby to hold and cuddle or to want to start a family? Those are two different things. Do you want to elevate your relationship with your hubby from the newlywed level to the family level...complete with no sex for a while and all the stress a child brings? Are you ready for that?

5) You say that you are ready. You say that you want to be a SAHM. What does your hubby think? Is he with you on this?

Listen, I love my son. I wouldn't trade him for the world. But I waited until I was really ready...not just yearning for a baby. Having a child is hard work, and it is not something that should be gone into on a whim "Oh, I went off my BC and we will see what happens".

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:50pm
We own our home...and 2 of our vechiles...and paying on the 3rd.... We are living on one salary now..and my husband makes one of the top paying salaries in our area (Southeastern Kentucky). I have done what I can think I want to do as for now..but I feel that I am not planning on doing anything extreme...so the baby can do it with me. Plus..I have live close to my mother-in-law...which is planning to quit work once I have a baby..so she can spoil it..LOL! I want to start a family...because I don't want to be 50 when my child is graduating high school..plus my DH is 27....which isn't that old.... I feel I am ready to go without sex for awhile....and I feel that I realize what stress a baby brings..though I am sure nobody knows that for sure until they have a baby. My DH completely agrees with me being a SAHM...my mother was and so was his mother..and we both feel thats the best way to be...We both feel if you have a child you should be willing to stay home and take care of him/her. For example my aunt was a working mom..and when her DD got sick....she decided to quit her job to take care of her....and I feel that EVERY parent should be willing to do that..and I'm saying that because a few friends my age has a baby..and say they would die if they had to stay home 1 day with their kid..which I don't think they should have had a baby....if they feel that way. I feel I am ready....I am just taking it on just see what happens..because its really stressful "trying" for a baby...usually it happens when ya least expect it. But thanks for ya input!

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:08pm
I always thought that if I waited until I could afford, handle, cope,was old enough for a baby (pick the one that fits most)then I would never have one. If you and your DH are willing to commit to having a child then go for it. It is a tough job being a parent, but it will be tough no matter how old you are, or how rich you are, or how long you have been married. I like the fact that you are not pressuring yuorself by "trying" to have a baby and you are willing to let nature take its course. That is the way we did it with both of our kids and our DD was born just before our 2nd anniversary. Do what you think is right. As long as you and your DH are feeling the same way about raising kids (when to have and how to discipline and nurture) then you are as ready as you need to be. Financial security is a wonderful thing to have but you will make do with what you have, if need be. Good Luck and make the right decision for yourself. Shelley
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:59pm
Hey Christy.

I agree with points of the previous posters to your question. I agree that 20 may be young, however, my mom was 20 when she had me, and I was her second baby. We were always taken care of very well. As far as the owning a house...it is ideal. And if possible, do it. I can't tell you one way or another, we rent, and have a 9 month dd. We are in the process of buying a home, but it hasn't happened yet. I also agree that you can NEVER be financially ready for a baby, if you waited for that, you would be retired, and living off your pension, or rsp's, and be set for the remainder of your life, and out of child rearing years. Just my opinion.

It all comes down to a few points. Is it what you AND dh want, are you going to be emotionally able to be a sahm & mom, and not have "days off" or "nights out with the girls" you mentioned that you have a few cousins or friends who are due soon. An idea might be to take one of the newborns for a whole day, and hopefully overnight. I realize this may only work if baby is formula fed, or can have expressed breast milk. But it may give you a good look at the 24/7 time clock that it entails.

Good luck to you and your dh... it's a big decsion, best wishes!

Lesley

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:15pm
You should do what ever you feel is right in your heart. I've been with my DH since

I was 19 I've known him since I was born, we've been married since I was 22 I'm 27 now and hes 30. We just had a little girl this past december and hve no plans for anymore. So that was one reason we decided to wait a little longer. But another and probably the most important as we wanted to have a strong foundation to bulid on beacause neither of us believe in divorce. Everyone is different if you think ya'll are ready go for it!! Good Luck!!

HTH,

Shelby

SAHM to Haylei

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 2:12am
Well....I have so much experience, maybe I can give you a different point of view. I am 22. I have been married for almost 4 years (together for 7). My husband is 24. We have 3 babies: Lily is 3, Isabel is 2, and our newest addition, AJ is 3 1/2 months. We just moved to an apartment while our new custom home (on acres! I am so excited!) is being built (in the nice quiet country in Texas :). I am a stay at home mommy. I love it! We love being a family. (Obviously or we wouldn't have 3 children!) We get the "you look to young to have kids" comments ALL the time. (To be honest, its pretty annoying!)

I don't really think the age is a factor always. I believe it's more the stability of your marriage. You need a very strong foundation to endure kids. You will have more fun than you ever thought possible, and at times, more stress! You and your husband need great communication and understanding of being a parent (discipline ideas, morals, etc.) My husband and I agree on our discipline behaviors, we communicate very well. It would be hard to build a relationship while having kids. You lose time with eachother one on one. You lose the freedom of getting up and going when you feel the need. But you also gain sooo many things. I love being a young parent. I have so much energy and patience (you don't always see that in older couples who are "set in their ways"). When our youngest graduates high school, I won't even be 40. So my husband and I will have our "alone time" later on in life. We were ready and willing to sacrifice that. I just believe that you know when you are ready. Just because you are young, sometimes people get the impression you can't be a good parent. My kids are super sweet, caring, loving, polite, just all around great kids. We get great comments everywhere we go. THey have everything they ever want and need. I hate the stereotypes.

Okay, enough preaching :) Just wanted to give a different angle. We are young, building our new home, on one salary, and have a wonderful marriage, and even better kids. It can happen :)

Good Luck with your decision.

Allison

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

AJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:22am

If you think you are ready, then do it.


But do know that this is a life descion.


I was 19 when I had my first child. I missed out on a lot of stuff people do at that age.


I would not change it for the world that I had my son, but I do wish I had waited longer so I could have done the things I wanted to, causing having kids, they are # 1.


I think it is you and your husbands choice, not anyone else's, cause it will be you two that will be taking care of the child.


But having kids can happen anytime you are ready, so don't feel you have to rush :)


Good luck.

Mel


Andrew 3-4-99


Dalton 12-4-03

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 9:39am
hey,

I got pregnant when I was 20,and my DH and I been together forabout 3 years when I got preg. I was happy and a little scared. But now in retrospect I wish we would've waited a little bit longer. Because when you have kids EVERYTHING changes...some good and some not so good. Don't get me wrong I love my 2 babies very much,but your still young and I know how it is getting around pregnant women and new babies. But the difference is that's not you having to get up about 5 times a night.lol So please think about it long and hard and please enjoy your freedom with your husband because once you have kids you will not have much time without them. That means no movies and restaurants when you want. But having children will change your life forever and they are the best entertainment.lol. So best of luck with whatever you choose and remember that all your friends that have kids are probably envying you and your husband,right now.lol

Sheri:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:11am
I think when it comes to being a good parent, age means NOTHING! I think there are plenty of "perfectly" planned pregnancies that turned out to be a disaster. I think their are lots of unplanned prgnancies that are HUGE wakeup calls, and turn peoples lives around to where they are a better person for it. Planning everything out perfectly is not going to gaurentee a happy life. I think having the dedication to be the best parent you can be, and having your children as #1 priority (where they should be), than you can have any "wrong" living arrangement possible, and still have absolutely wonderful children as a result of your love and priorities. I agree with the other poster who said a stable, loving marriage is way more important than ANYthing else when it comes to having the "perfect" family set up. I think that is number one key to look at when it comes to thoughts of children.

Having said that, I have to admit that I am biosed because I have been fighting the "age" stereotype for 8 yrs now. I am 24 (almost 25), and I have a 7 yr old DD (plus later added a 4.5 yr old DS and a 2 yr old DD with my DH). I had people just fall over because I was a "teenage mom" who breastfed for 2 yrs, used cloth diapers, responded to every cue from my baby (which were a LOT, because she didn't stop crying for 4 months!) used cloth diapers, and read every parenting book I could find! I just didn't fit in the mold people had made for me! And beleive me, they kept trying to cram me in it! It was So frusterating. This society made it really hard for me to be the best mother I could be, because I was torn down no matter how hard I tried! The biggest "complement" I ever received was from my Dad (who was no better than anyone else in this country) who said to someone else while I stood there feeling like a fool "she's a pretty good mother, for being a teenager!" Gee thanks, was that a complement? I liked to think I was a good mother, even if I was 35 at the time!

I really lucked out that things turned my way, but I also feel that I deserve it for trying so hard to be the best mother I could be for my DD. I met a WONDERFUL man who fell in love with my DD before he even thought about a relationship with me, and we have been married and have added two more children to our family together (we wanted to keep them close together since our family was already "started"). He loves providing for us while I stay home and raise our own kids. He legally adopted my DD as his own before she started Kindergarten, so we are as "normal" as we can be, inspite of my screwups as a teenager.

As someone else pointed out, there are actually advantages to being young parents too. Honestly, I don't even have a clue on what I missed out, because I never got to see what there was. I have no selfish regrets at all. I do have regrets for my DD who might encounter problems as a result of my "mistakes", but I never wish I could have been "more selfish". I will barely be 40 when my youngest graduates high school, so DH and I will have our "alone time" for plenty of our life together. Actually, I think it will be nicer for us to have our alone time after children are grown instead of before, because HOPEFULLY, we will have more financial security, and be more established to enjoy it that much more! ;) Younger parents tend to have more energy and ambition to be able to keep up with children, and I have seen many suggestions where they are saying that young parents are more likely to adjust to new situations better and change easier. Think about it, if you are young, you didn't spend 20 yrs with the same daily routine you are attached to, to turn around and change it when parenthood comes! You aren't used to driving around a sports car, to turn around and trade it in for a minivan! You don't miss it, if you never had it!

Anyway, the "perfect" setup to have a baby never comes. There is ALWAYS something that "should" be done before a baby comes, but think about it... how important is it REALLY going to be to the baby? All five of us live in a two bedroom apartment until I graduate from college in two years. Do you really think my kids are missing out? I doubt they even know how things "should" be. We are all cozy and close, and I actually like it this way (while the kids are young! LOL). Most people don't think it's ideal, but it works for us, and we are all happy "inspite" of it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:47am
Hey! I know exactly what you're feeling...almost kind of creepy how similar our thoughts are!!! I'm almost 24 though, have been with my husband for 9 years, and married for almost 3 years. But as far as how you're feeling though...Amen sister!!! Pregnant women must have thought I was deranged or something!! I would stare at them with tears in my eyes, and wish I was them! I even went out and bought baby name books, and started thinking about what colors I would paint a nursery....ALL before I even decided to get pregnant!! My husband was totally on board about it, he'd wanted to start right after we got married!

It only took me 3 months to get preg., and I had my daughter in Nov.'03! I love her so much, and would not rather change ANY decisions I made about having a baby!! I say, why wait a year?? Unless there is any major changes coming financially or something...then you go girl!!! Babies can go along for the ride as well as you can!!! And don't let anyone tell you how hard it'll be...if you want this, you'll do just fine!!! I did!

You can email me if you want to chat more!!! Good luck, and I hope I helped you!!!

Pages