when kids have mean playmates?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
when kids have mean playmates?
4
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:53pm
Hi my son is 4 and he is really a very good kid. Very empathetic and polite. However my sisters daughter also 4 is very bossy, sassy, and sometimes mean. My sister and I are very close and our kids play together very often. I know that her daughter is learning a lot of these bad habits from a little girl at her daycare. The problem we have the most is we have taught my son not to hit girls (he wrestles with his dad and is definitly all boy) but my sisters little girl will get mad about something you know tipical 4yr old squabbles and then she will literally claw the skin off my sons face. Or whatever she can do to hurt him. He doesnt fight back because we have told him not to hit girls. But I can not stand this anymore... It makes me and my husband very angry and I have tried to talk with my sister about it. She tries to correct her but it just doesnt seem to sink in....Does anyone have any advice on what to do bout this or have had a similar situation. I have no doubt that my son could defend himself...but should we tell him to ?

Or should we just recomend that he come and tell us? any advice or comments would be appreciated. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:32am

Maybe having them not play together might help. If they are close, then being away might get her to stop if she wants to play with him.


It's not easy to deal with, but it's even harder when it is a family member who is doing it.


I think your son's safety and well being is important, and he will only learn bad behavior from her if she continues to do it and not learn to stop.


Good luck and I hope she settles down soon.

Mel


Andrew 3-4-99


Dalton 12-4-03

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 9:26am
Hey there,

I have pretty much the same messageboard up right now-I don't want my son to be a brat-.

My deal is my best friends DD. MY best friend and me have grown up together both of our families are one great big family,so she is like a sister. My problem is I have a DS who is almost 3 and her DD is 2. They've been growing up together since day one. My son is a very polite boy(always please and thank you). He used to never be violent to other kids at all. But my God-daughter bites and pushes him away as soon as he gets a foot away from him. So he gets mad and will push her back and sometimes hit her. I always punish him because I don't want to have a bully for a son. But my friend just tells her stop and that's it and her DD will continue to do it. I've repeatedly told my friend that her DD habits are not the best and that I don't want my son to have them..I kind of hint at it. I don't want to come down on her. You know how defensive mothers are. She has taught my son how to bite just recently and he's always saying "that's mine" to everything. I hate that. So obviously your not gonna get much advice but there are some of us that are going trough the same situation. Some mothers just do things TOTALLY different. But one thing I would suggest is to not stop letting them play together because how will he learn to interact with those types of children. I'm sure there is gonna be plenty of kids in school who act just like your sis's kid and my friends kid. So I guess if we just keep setting examles for them ,hopefully they might catch on.

Good luck!!!!

Sheri

Jeremiah 4-21-01

Eloura 6-2-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:45am
Since it is your relation, and you are very close to your sister, I think you should (situation appropriate) repremend the cousin yourself. I am just saying that maybe if you spoke firmly to the other child, maybe it would sink in a little better coming from someone different than the child's own mother. I like to save this for my special weapon though (don't over use it, but definantly use it in the right situations!). It kinda hits two birds with one stone. You are making your point to the child, and to your sister that it's unacceptable behavior. Especially if you have spoken to your sister about your concerns before, this will help reinforce your feelings to her. I would just watch like a haulk, and if you can catch the child in the act, grab her hand before she touches him to stop her, and tell her very firmly, that if she doesn't stop, then the playdate will be over immidiately and she will not be allowed to play with him until she decides to be nice. If you can, have the playdates on your turf, or at least at a nuetral meeting place. In my opinion, if I were your sister, I would be less offended by this repremending if I was visiting you in your house, but it might be a little more touchy if you were to come into my house and be "bossy". Also, a lot of problems might be avoided if it's at a nuetral place, because there isn't the "possesion" of property to come between the children. That might eliminate part of the battle. Try to encourage the playdate to be in the same room as you are so you can keep an eye on the situation. Chances are, your sister will jump right in and help you out if you are being active about the situation. I know exactly how you feel. For a long time, my DD was the youngest with three older boy cousins that were awefully rough with her around!! My sister had the "boys will be boys" attitude (which I do understand more now that I have a pretty roudy boy!), but it was just a LITTLE too passive for my comfort when it came to my DD. We are so close, that it didn't even phase her if I fussed at her children, and she has even done the same with mine. My Dad always says that raising little ones is like lionesses with the cubs, it takes the whole family's group effort to help raise each others kids. I don't take it as far as he does (he thinks one sister is completely interchangable with another when it comes to mothering kids), but I can see where it is a helpful parallel though.

Don't feel bad for standing up for your child, wheither it's to adults or other children. We are our children's avocates, we speak for them when they are unable to express themselves or their needs. It is our job, and our responsibility. Other parents should understand where you are coming from.

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:22pm
I would NOT LET HER PLAY WITH YOUR SON!!Keep them away from each other.If your sister can not or will not control her child then she will just have to realize that that kind of behavior is not acceptible to you and you don't want your son around it!It is not good for your son to see her get by with this behavior while he is taught it is wrong!I would sit down with your sister and explain it to her.If she doesn't like it ,that's to bad,because your job is to PROTECT your son and teach him what is RIGHT!He shouldn't be around a child who repeatedly hurts him and gets by with it!!I understand that you love your family and don't want to offend them,but your son comes first!Good luck!!