New to Group & Separation Anxiety

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
New to Group & Separation Anxiety
8
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:41pm
Hi. I'm new to the group but already have a question. I am a SAHM with a DS, 7 months. This is my first, and though my husband works from home (which really can be nice at times) there is a growing frustration that I am the only parent leading the charge: I make all decisions about food choices, I make all decisions about sleep schedule, I make all decisions about what to buy (and where) -- plus I get to do all the buying! So when I have a question or problem, instead of coming to my DH and brainstorming about it, I get dismissed and told, "You'll know better than I will." BUT I NEED HELP.

We have a terrific DS and while some days are really, really tough, there are others that are downright heavenly (which doesn't mean no crying, but it means everything seemed to fit). Anyway, the last week I've had trouble with DS because of (1) teething and (2) separation anxiety. At least that's what I'm calling it. He's fine when I'm holding him or feeding him, but if I put him in his saucer, his playpen, his playarea on the floor (which all used to be fine and very entertaining) he starts hysterical screaming. Even if I stay for a minute or two (or 10) he screams, probably because he knows I'm going to eventually have to get up and attend to other things.

I have no problem letting DS cry. But it has to be within reason. I'm sensitive to him but also want to prepare him, even now, for the world of indepedence (after all, that is my main goal, isn't it?). But this crying thing has me torn. What am I supposed to do? Hold him? Doesn't that spoil? Doesn't that teach him that crying will get his way? Am I supposed to walk away and come back 5-10 minutes later after he's figured out it's ok to be alone?

I could really use the advice and suggestions, whatever worked for you or someone you know. I can't guarantee that I will use it, but having some other feedback other than "You make those kind of decisions" will be refreshing. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:47pm
Since you mentioned that these problems have arisen in the last week, my guess is that the teething is just making your baby extra sensitive and extra needy. He probably just feels really bad and is only comforted by having you hold him. I remember that my oldest DS went through a few weeks like that when he was 5 months old and had a bad cold - he just did not want to be put down. If I were you, I would just try to do whatever I could to make him as comfortable as possible while the teething is going on - use Oragel and Infant Tylenol/Motrin/Whatever and see if that helps. Hopefully this will be a temporary thing. Good luck!

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:56pm
If I understood your post,you said he has just started this crying when you walk away within the past week?Unless he keeps doing this for a few weeks,I wouldn't be concerned about this being a habit he will keep on doing.My son is 6 months old and at that age he is teething,trying to adjust to eating baby food,and I am weaning him from breast to bottle.Some weeks he seems to cry about every little thing all day.When babies are teething it makes some days worse than others,depending on how much their gums hurt.I really don't think it has anything to do with separation anxity.I use infant Tylonal and Ora Gel to make his gums feel better.That is the only thing I have found that works on those days.I totally understand your frustration.On his bad days,sometimes I just want to start crying too!You might want to try Infant Tylonal,and Ora Gel.It really helps for my son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 8:26am
Hey there,

Which I know youv'e heard from other posts, the teething is probably the problem. But another thing I try and tell myself is that babies and toddlers have bad days just like us. Haven't you ever woke up in a really bad mood? I know I have .lol. My DD is very independent and that's exactly how I want it. But yesterday she was teething pretty bad and I showed her more comfort and some time. I know when I'm not feeling good I have to snuggle my husband for comfort. Same thing. And I am very big on independent babies,but sometimes just pushing out all that crap we learn from books and from what many countless mothers have told us in the past about what is best for baby,do what you think your baby needs. If your son wants you and he's not feeling good, tend to him. Not that i'm saying your not.lol Good luck.

Sheri

Jeremiah 4-21-01

Eloura 6-2-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:24am
Hi I have a ds 4 and dd 18M both went through this at about that age teeth could be a factor also they really like to be comforted when they are hurting. But both my kids and my sisters baby who I keep days 9M all went through this every time I left the room they would scream. I read in a parenting book that they figure if they cant see you you are gone.... and not coming back. So when I would leave the room or their sight I would sing or talk to them so they would know even though they didnt see mommy that I was still there and coming right back. Good luck
Avatar for cghnasa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:35pm
let me say welcome.

and now heres my advice YOU CAN NOT SPOIL A BABY UNDER A YEAR OLD. its just not possiable. at 7 months he NEEDS you. dont be so quick to push him to independance you will regret it later. They grow up very fast and if you blink its over. get a front carrier , take him with you when you do laundry or dishes or what ever he will love it, it gets him involved and introduces him to cleaning early ( A VERY good thing LOL) . talk to him explain what you are doing. but dont let him just sit there and cryyou dont what him to get the idea that if he crys and he needs you you wont come. right now its very important for him to know that you are there. heck having him with you will make the chores fun.he might just need that extra security of you holding him while he is teething.

((HUGGS))

Beth

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Avatar for cghnasa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:41pm
I forgot to add that Hylands teething tablets work WONDERS! you get them at walmart in the vitaman/herbal section usually bottom shielf.and I usually use Motrin for teething b/c its an antiinflamatory and helps those little inflamed gums.

Beth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:47am
I remember thinking my ds was going through separation anxiety, until I finally saw little white teeth breaking the surface of his gums. Now that he's just over 13 months, I think he's really going through some separation and stranger anxiety. He doesn't want to be held all the time, but it sure does make him feel better when he can see where mommy is.

I don't remember how bad some of the first teething bouts were, but the last time my ds had a tooth break through, he was pulling on me and wanted me to pick him up for about 2 days straight. I'm pretty sure we used Tylenol, so maybe I'll try Motrin next time.

Anyway, I did get a little relief a couple of times a day when I popped in Baby Einstein videos. Distraction seems to work for my ds. I also take him out for strolls in the neighborhood, since that makes both of us feel better.

It should pass...hopefully soon.

Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 7:53am
Other posts about your DS are right on. The Hylands tablets mentioned in one post worked for my son too. Also, take a baby washcloth, tie it in a knot and wet it thoroughly. Put it in a ziploc bag and into the freezer. After it freezes, give it to your DS to gnaw on. They love them and it's also a cheap remedy.

As for your DH, that's a tough one. I too have a DH who won't do much around the house. You should sit down with him when DS is asleep and have a heart to heart talk. Tell him you're feeling very overwhelmed by everything and you would like to know if he can take over one or two tasks (the bills, the dishes, some grocery shopping, etc.) so that you don't start pulling your hair out. Don't accuse him, just ask for his help. Also, be prepared to have things done his way and not yours. You'll sometimes have to bite your tongue when the dishwasher is loaded/unloaded differently, but the important part is that he's helping.

Good luck!