DH thinks SAHM = Slave
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| Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:35pm |
I got laid off 2 yrs ago and never got another job as I became pregnant with my 2nd DS shortly afterward. Being a SAHM seemed to be an ideal solution since daycare was too expensive for 2 kids.
My husband works weekdays from about 2pm to 11pm. He stays awake until at least 2 or 3am every night then sleeps in until 11am, which he says is appropriate since he works "later" hours. He says he can't fall asleep earlier so he should be given the time to sleep. If the baby cries when he's awake and I'm asleep, he'll get the baby and bring him in for me to take care of him. I always have to tend to the kids at night if they wake up. I'm down to about 4-5 hours of sleep a day now.
My other complaint is that he believes that because I don't have a paycheck or a physical office to go to, I'm totally responsible for all housework, cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids, 4yrs and 15mos. We argue about it constantly as I feel he could pitch in and help with some things like unloading the dishwasher or putting clothes away. He says he works his a** off at work and shouldn't have to do anything at home.
I'll admit, our house is really bad housekeeping-wise. We moved into our first home when I was 6 mos pregnant with #2. Final months were nasty and I was tired and sick all the time so things didn't get done. 6 months ago, we started remodeling the front bedroom so we had to move the kids into the living room and the dining room is now the living room. We have no table on which to eat. Things are crammed into any place they can go. Papers are everywhere, toys are all over the place and clothes are piling up since I can't put them away because of remodeling.
For a while, I tried not doing things to try and get my hubby to help out. Things just got totally disgusting and I'd just have more work to do. I recently went through 2 surgeries for a kidney stone and still had to take care of the house and kids through it all. I even had to fill the dishwasher immediately after coming home from surgery #2.
DH thinks I should be cooking all meals. He constantly compares me to his friend's wife, who is also a SAHM. I sarcastically call her Superwoman. Superwoman has one 3yr girl and she keeps a perfectly clean house, she cooks fabulous meals for her DH, she has a Housecleaning business on the side, sews, etc. You get the picture. Superwoman really annoys the heck out of me.
I have no time to myself at all since the kids are always with me. My friends live far enough away that I can't get together with them. I'm pretty much stuck in my house with the kids, day in and day out. I have no family that can help me with this as mine lives across country. I hate being a SAHM if it means I'm a total slave to the hubby, house and kids.
Am I being unreasonable? I've never been a SAHM, but I really think being "June Cleaver" is an unreasonable expectation and DH needs to get over it. I swear it makes me want to pack up the kids and leave.
Thanks in advance to all who respond. Sorry it's so long!
Lisa

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Good luck & I hope things work out for you! If you figure out the magic potion to make these guys understand, let me know!;) lol Again I apologize for not having any advice.
~Debra
I'm sorry to hear that your husband is an inconsiderate ass. I'm sorry do be so blunt, but I hear this same complaint over and over from other sahm's.
Unless you created the children completely on your own and he is really your room mate, he really needs to pitch in. My husband works a long day, leaving the house at 7 and getting home at 6. But he gives dd her bath every night and gets up with her on the weekends. And I think that he enjoys the time that he spends with her. Does your husband (and the other million men like him) just dislike kids?
God, I am soooo so tired of these self-centered men!!
Sorry for the outburst.
Anyway.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. All I ask is that my husband do the things that I said that he does (the weekend wake-up and the bath). Sometimes, I give her a bath, but not usually. All my family lives far away too, so I am mostly on my own.
Maybe you could ask your husband to do two things for you. Like, if he is up at 2-3 in the morning and the kids wake up, he has to deal with it, period. And pick one other thing that you would really like to not do. Say, "Just do these TWO things. That is all I ask. I will not bug you at all if you do these things." Then, take the rest on and do the best that you can. Our house is never spotless (I can't remember the last time I really, REALLY cleaned the bathroom, not just Swiffered!) and we are happy.
I feel for you, I really do. So many women I know are going through the same thing. If he loves you and the family at all, he can do 2 things for you, at least.
Don't give up.
Melissa
Thanks everyone for the advice. It's fabulous knowing that I'm not alone out there.
Wytchy
When you find yourself organized life is happier. You will find that when you are not stressed then you and your Dh are not stressed and you become better together. Then organize yourself. Take time to pamper yourself mind body and soul. If you feel good then you will project that into the house and soon you will find yourself as Superwoman.
Good luck and a big hug.
Lmae
I am so sorry that you are dealing with that from your husband everyday.
I really don't know how you feel, since my husband, when home, does a lot to help out.
He is away for 3 weeks at a time, so I am the main keeper of the home, bills, etc. I don't get help even if I wanted or needed it.
I think you and your husband should have a talk. Explain to him how this makes you feel. That being home does not mean doing everything. I do think you should do a lot of things, but not all. No one is that perfect or a "superwomen".
I hope things get better for you soon, for no man or women should have to do it all in this day and age!
Mel
Andrew 3-4-99
Dalton 12-4-03
Wytchy
I kind of understand where you are coming from. My husband does help out, but he has been hounding me to get a job, but daycare is so expensive that it will take at least half my paycheck, and frankly, I don't trust strangers to take care of my irreplaceable child.
I just wish men realized that one child IS a full time job, especially if they are babies. We don't get reimbursed one red cent for all the things we do. I would like to see them try it for a whole week without complaining, do exactly what we do, then tell us how easy we have it. I get so sick of that....lol!
Well, hope things get better soon. Don't be so hard on yourself. If you take a day off, oh well, especially if you don't have help. He gets the weekends off, right? Well, maybe you should take them off too!
Toni
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