DH thinks SAHM = Slave

Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
DH thinks SAHM = Slave
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Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:35pm
Okay, here's the situation:

I got laid off 2 yrs ago and never got another job as I became pregnant with my 2nd DS shortly afterward. Being a SAHM seemed to be an ideal solution since daycare was too expensive for 2 kids.

My husband works weekdays from about 2pm to 11pm. He stays awake until at least 2 or 3am every night then sleeps in until 11am, which he says is appropriate since he works "later" hours. He says he can't fall asleep earlier so he should be given the time to sleep. If the baby cries when he's awake and I'm asleep, he'll get the baby and bring him in for me to take care of him. I always have to tend to the kids at night if they wake up. I'm down to about 4-5 hours of sleep a day now.

My other complaint is that he believes that because I don't have a paycheck or a physical office to go to, I'm totally responsible for all housework, cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids, 4yrs and 15mos. We argue about it constantly as I feel he could pitch in and help with some things like unloading the dishwasher or putting clothes away. He says he works his a** off at work and shouldn't have to do anything at home.

I'll admit, our house is really bad housekeeping-wise. We moved into our first home when I was 6 mos pregnant with #2. Final months were nasty and I was tired and sick all the time so things didn't get done. 6 months ago, we started remodeling the front bedroom so we had to move the kids into the living room and the dining room is now the living room. We have no table on which to eat. Things are crammed into any place they can go. Papers are everywhere, toys are all over the place and clothes are piling up since I can't put them away because of remodeling.

For a while, I tried not doing things to try and get my hubby to help out. Things just got totally disgusting and I'd just have more work to do. I recently went through 2 surgeries for a kidney stone and still had to take care of the house and kids through it all. I even had to fill the dishwasher immediately after coming home from surgery #2.

DH thinks I should be cooking all meals. He constantly compares me to his friend's wife, who is also a SAHM. I sarcastically call her Superwoman. Superwoman has one 3yr girl and she keeps a perfectly clean house, she cooks fabulous meals for her DH, she has a Housecleaning business on the side, sews, etc. You get the picture. Superwoman really annoys the heck out of me.

I have no time to myself at all since the kids are always with me. My friends live far enough away that I can't get together with them. I'm pretty much stuck in my house with the kids, day in and day out. I have no family that can help me with this as mine lives across country. I hate being a SAHM if it means I'm a total slave to the hubby, house and kids.

Am I being unreasonable? I've never been a SAHM, but I really think being "June Cleaver" is an unreasonable expectation and DH needs to get over it. I swear it makes me want to pack up the kids and leave.

Thanks in advance to all who respond. Sorry it's so long!

Lisa

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Registered: 04-25-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 6:18pm
First I have to say that I have been there on so many levels! And I wish I had some advice for but unfortunately I do not. I am a sahm to my 2 kiddo's as well. Mine are 4 & 2. And it seems the only thing that has helped out our situation is that I had to have a hysterectomy last August at age 26. So Dh has chilled out some in regards to the cleaning. But not much! I honestly have no idea where he got the idea that at house has to be in immaculate condition because his house growing up wasn't nearly perfect. Maybe that is the reason?! It just annoys me to no end that my DH is like this. I always thought he'd be a little bit more understanding with me because I never had to clean house or cook growing up. So when we got married, this was all new to me & I had to learn how to do those things. He does not ask for big amazing meals, which is blessing because there is no way that would happen! He's just happy to be fed though he is a picky eater!

Good luck & I hope things work out for you! If you figure out the magic potion to make these guys understand, let me know!;) lol Again I apologize for not having any advice.

~Debra

Avatar for my3girls2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 6:28pm
well 1st of all hugs to you! I can vaguly remember way back when 12 yrs ago when I 1st became a sahm. My dh was not really into it either,, I mean we both decided it would be best for me to be at home, but we were young and he too thought I should have it qall done since I was home,,, well alot of time has passed and does clean up after dinner, put dishes away, clean up, take the kids, and even does laundry. How do you ask? time and alot of conversations,, you need to let hm know that just because you are home, does not mean you have nothing to do. Ask him for his help,, important thing though is to let him know that ''you'' know he is tired, or I understand that you leave the house'',, blah, blah, cause if it's one thing I know men need that recognition,, if they get that they seem to be better helpers,, I am half joking, but more serious,, GL,, communacation is key!
~Kim~,, mom to 3 girls~~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 6:42pm
Well.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is an inconsiderate ass. I'm sorry do be so blunt, but I hear this same complaint over and over from other sahm's.

Unless you created the children completely on your own and he is really your room mate, he really needs to pitch in. My husband works a long day, leaving the house at 7 and getting home at 6. But he gives dd her bath every night and gets up with her on the weekends. And I think that he enjoys the time that he spends with her. Does your husband (and the other million men like him) just dislike kids?

God, I am soooo so tired of these self-centered men!!

Sorry for the outburst.

Anyway.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. All I ask is that my husband do the things that I said that he does (the weekend wake-up and the bath). Sometimes, I give her a bath, but not usually. All my family lives far away too, so I am mostly on my own.

Maybe you could ask your husband to do two things for you. Like, if he is up at 2-3 in the morning and the kids wake up, he has to deal with it, period. And pick one other thing that you would really like to not do. Say, "Just do these TWO things. That is all I ask. I will not bug you at all if you do these things." Then, take the rest on and do the best that you can. Our house is never spotless (I can't remember the last time I really, REALLY cleaned the bathroom, not just Swiffered!) and we are happy.

I feel for you, I really do. So many women I know are going through the same thing. If he loves you and the family at all, he can do 2 things for you, at least.

Don't give up.

Melissa

Meldi
Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 6:51pm
Thanks for the laugh! I needed it! I'm trying the "you do these things" approach and will keep on him. For a time, all he had to do was empty the dishwasher. No luck on that either. I like Kim's response too about the male mind needing "recognition" periodically. Maybe stroking his ego might help a little - either that or I'll regret it for the rest of my life ;)

Thanks everyone for the advice. It's fabulous knowing that I'm not alone out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 7:42pm
I'd ask him if he *honestly* thinks that you're the only one whose life should have to change because you've (both) had children... It seems like he expects to just go to work and come home and relax just like always when you've both had a major life change that requires you (both) to change with it... A suggestion? Keep a journal- document your time- what you do- when you do it, then leave it out conspicuously where you know he'll pick it up and look at it. And- whenever you get a chance, leave him at home with the kids and go away for awhile- preferrably an overnight or two. Once he's immersed in all it takes to care for children 24/7, he'll probably have an epiphany ;) Oh- and make sure to bitch about the house not being spotless when you get back- after all, he must have just sat on his arse all day while you were gone, right? LOL! ;)



Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 4:38pm
I too have been there on many diffrent levels. I decided I needed to make some changes and when I did that things got better for me. The first thing you need to do is tell your DH that you are unhappy and things have got to change around here or your going over the wall. Then make those changes. If your house is a shambels then you have to first start there. The remodel has to get done and done now so I would focus on that. By getting that done you will then start to find a place for everything and everything in its place will make you feel better. Knowing where it all is and how to find it easliy takes a great deal of stress off your shoulders. Then go into every room in the house organize everything. Buy the items you need to keep it organized. You need the proper tools to run your house properly.

When you find yourself organized life is happier. You will find that when you are not stressed then you and your Dh are not stressed and you become better together. Then organize yourself. Take time to pamper yourself mind body and soul. If you feel good then you will project that into the house and soon you will find yourself as Superwoman.

Good luck and a big hug.

Lmae

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 6:26am

I am so sorry that you are dealing with that from your husband everyday.


I really don't know how you feel, since my husband, when home, does a lot to help out.


He is away for 3 weeks at a time, so I am the main keeper of the home, bills, etc. I don't get help even if I wanted or needed it.


I think you and your husband should have a talk. Explain to him how this makes you feel. That being home does not mean doing everything. I do think you should do a lot of things, but not all. No one is that perfect or a "superwomen".


I hope things get better for you soon, for no man or women should have to do it all in this day and age!

Mel


Andrew 3-4-99


Dalton 12-4-03

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:03am
*Chuckle* I believe you meant to post that to the original poster :)




Wytchy

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Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:37pm
LOL I had to giggle what a great comparison SAHM = SLAVE..... I can relate to having to do pretty much everything. I dont think my dh has even changed 4 diapers on our 18 mnth old.... I have to admit he does help out some though and he doesnt seem to mind if he comes home and I havent made supper b/c of the hectic day. Still he thinks that because he works that the rest is pretty much my job. But like I said HE will clean and cook I guess I am pretty lucky.... even though I am kinda used to it because my dad always helped out my mother when I was growing up so I kinda expect it Plus we live very close to my parents and my dh sees my dad clean up a lot still at their house. Also I have went off and left dh with both kids while I went shopping and I think he realizes that it is a lot of work. He does complain because I dont pack his lunch and gripes when the laundry doesnt get done but he has figured out he doesnt live with June Cleaver or Betty Crocker. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:46pm
Well, I hope you don't get upset when I say that maybe DH should see if he can find a Superwoman to put up with his whiney A** and all the other stuff too. Sure, there are "those" people, lol, who do it all, but reality is that most of us don't, can't or won't wait on our DH's hand and foot, ESPECIALLY if they don't deserve it. You are not being unreasonable by asking him for help. You had surgery and still had to do everything? That is just plain MEAN.

I kind of understand where you are coming from. My husband does help out, but he has been hounding me to get a job, but daycare is so expensive that it will take at least half my paycheck, and frankly, I don't trust strangers to take care of my irreplaceable child.

I just wish men realized that one child IS a full time job, especially if they are babies. We don't get reimbursed one red cent for all the things we do. I would like to see them try it for a whole week without complaining, do exactly what we do, then tell us how easy we have it. I get so sick of that....lol!

Well, hope things get better soon. Don't be so hard on yourself. If you take a day off, oh well, especially if you don't have help. He gets the weekends off, right? Well, maybe you should take them off too!

Toni

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