Husband just a passenger....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Husband just a passenger....
26
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:22am
Hi all!

Wondering if any one feels the same way I do...

I feel like I am the conductor of the family "train" and my husband is just a passenger along for the ride! I make EVERY decision, what to feed the baby, WHEN to feed, what to dress her in, when to bathe her, when nap time is. Then, every weekend, I am supposed to make all the plans or he will be perfectly content to lay on the couch all weekend. If we go to church, or to a friends house or to the park, it's because I initiated it. And I pay all the bills and generally make all the decisions when it comes to the house, cars, etc.

I am TIRED of it!

Sometimes, I don't want to have to make another decision. My mind is constantly going about the next thing... what to do next...then he wonders why I don't have sex on my mind all the time like he does! Let me tell you why he can spend all his time thinking about sex... because that's all he HAS to think about!! Other than work, of course. He doesn't have to think..."what's for dinner today, tomorrow and the next day?" "Are we out of toilet paper? Toothpaste? Bread? Diapers?" "Did I pay the heating bill?" "Doesn't the baby have a doc appt coming up?"

And that's just today, this morning, before 7 am.

If any one else feels the same, tell me how you deal with the frusturation.

Thanks!

Melissa

Meldi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:43am
There are times when my husband is really good at helping out and others where he is just like yours. I simply tell him to feed the baby or dress him etc. and when he asks me what to feed him or what to put him in I tell him "whatever you want". If he says he doesn't know what I tell him to "figure it out".

My husband is the one who cooks dinner regularly so I don't have to figure out what to cook. Maybe ask him to help cook once in a while.

I hope this helps.

Tanya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:27am
My husband used to do this to me also. I sat him down and told him how it made me feel and he had no idea that he was even doing it. He actually said that he would love to do things but was always waiting for me to get done fussing with the baby and the house to have a chance to suggest something. Now he tells me when he wants to do something and I'm learning to ask for help. That was something he said to me. I don't know what you want me to do I can't read your mind. So now I tell him what I need done and we actually get out of the house without him being my "third baby".

I have to remind him sometimes. Oh I just thought of this. If you ask him to do something for the baby or the house DO NOT tell him that he didn't do it the right way or he'll never do it again. That was the hardest part for me. To realize that he had his own way of doing things and that they weren't always the way I would do it.

HTH

sorry if I'm all over the place I've been interrupted by my ds about 40 times while I've been writing this.

LOL

Jen

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:13am

start delegating.


Give him jobs to do (the ones that don't matter how they are done).


I put my DD clothes in the dresser & closet in outfits. DH doesn't have to decide which pants go with which shirt. He just has to decide if it's cold or warm.

Posted by:

Rhonda

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:27am
My DH isn't as bad as yours sounds, but he still has his moments. Mostly I think men will do as little as we allow, and they are very crafty at coming up with ways to passively weasle out of things. I've even caught my DH and my Dad coaching my brother on exactly how to get out of going to the grocery store.

My personal favorite with my husband is how he acts like he doesn't know where anything goes when unloading the dishwasher. He goes through spurts, and for days I can't find anything because he 'doesn't know where it goes'. I give him one warning, then I stop cooking and he has to foot the bill for takeout. I justify it with "I can't find what I need because it's not where it belongs!". Then we do this pathetic little lesson on how the kitchen has been set up (the same way for 4 years....), and things get back to normal.

Michelle

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 7:28am
Thanks for all of your advice.

I did talk to him this morning. After the past two days, I had reached my breaking point. Examples of his general silliness:

Watches dd climb up the stairs from across the room, knowing full well that she is prone to losing her balance because she will turn to look at him and wave as she climbs up. Then, IF I say something, he acts like I'm an overprotective mental case.

We were taking dd to get her 1 year pics done. We were about to leave and she starts crying (we thought that we could make it out the door w/o feeding her again and get something to eat out) but no. So he feeds her....noodles and chocolate pudding. Of course the chocolate gets on the dress, but I can't SAY anything because I'm lucky that he's feeding her, right?

Then, at the picture place, he thinks it's fine to let her crawl all over the floor in her nice dress and white shoes. I'm the idiot because I think crawling is a bad idea. Basically, he just doesn't want to have to do something else with her (like hold her or encourage her to stand)

THEN (last night) we are with the window salesman deciding whether or not to buy his windows. OF COURSE he says, "It's up to you." Why would he think that I want to make a $5000 decision on my own?

Whew.

So, this morning I told him how I felt. That my mind is contantly thinking about all the things I have to do. He says:

"Sorry you have so much on your mind."

Me: "Don't you understand that all you have to think about is WORK and I think about everything else?"

Him: "Oh. I love the way you trivialize my job."

Me: "If you were single, you would have to work, pay your bills, do your laundry, feed yourself, etc."

Him: "Yes I would and I could do that too. I gotta go to work."

God. My blood boils just thinking about it. I think that he thinks that it's easy. Soooo easy.

How can I get him to understand? I mean, he helps, he gives her a bath each day and gets up with her on the weekends (he's an early riser anyway) ...but he does act like its some big gift.

Thanks everyone.

Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:22am
I think the choice you need to make is-do you want to have a happy marriage? or do you just want to be right,and have things your way?I do everything around the house,while my Hubby works hard to make a living.There is no reason he should come home from work and have to work some more!I used to work,before the baby was born,and I came home feeling too tired to fix supper or do anything!So now that I have quit and stay home with the baby,I understand how he feels when he comes home,and I don't expect him to do my work at home!And let me tell you,it makes a VERY HAPPY MARRIAGE!My Hubby is soo sweet and loving to me,and constantly tells me how much he appreciates me.If you don't like staying home and working,than why don't you get a job outside the home.Then you wouldn't feel so resentful toward your Hubby,and perhaps you could hire someone to come in and clean your house!Also,I think that when he gives your daughter a bath,and gets up with her, you should tell him how much you appreciate it!You know there is that saying"You can catch more flies with honey then with vinager!"And try not to be so critical when he does help out.Let him do it his way,and when you feed her or whatever,you do it your way.as far as making decisions about spending money,I think it is nice that your Hubby wants you to have what you want.Alot of women would be thrilled to not have to argue with their hubbys if they wanted to buy something.I don't think he is trying to preasure you,he is just trying to be nice.Obviously,this approach of nagging and letting your blood boil isn't working,so maybe you should seriously consider changing the way you handle things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:35pm
Thanks for your imput.

Just let me get this straight. Since I am at home, it is my job to do EVERY thing to do with the house, the bills, the baby(s, another on the way), the yard, the food, the docs, the cars, etc. With NO imput from the husband. Is that what everyone else does? When he comes home from work should I greet him at the door with a cocktail and his slippers?

Okay, now I'm just getting sarcastic.

See, my problem is that, like him, I'm new at this too. I don't have all the answers. Should we get the windows? Or wait? If he says, "It's up to you." That means, that if, the company wasn't the right choice or if we really shouldn't have spent the money, then it's MY fault. He let me decide and didn't take part.

And, I know this post sounded like I am nagging him, but, believe me, I never say word one to him about how he does things with the baby. Other than the dangerous (the stairs) or the downright stupid (the crawling before the pictures). Up till this weekend, I trusted his judgement always.

I do have a question. If your husband works all day and doesn't have to do any more work when he gets home, when does your day end? Do you stop working the minute he gets home? Do you feel sexy at the end of the day? I admire your old-fashioned values and have tried hard to paint myself into that role. But I know how hard he works. I also know that he gets to take an hour lunch break alone (one in which he can relax with co-workers or take a nap in his car) He can go to the bathroom alone. He gets a blessed 1/2 commute when he can listen to the radio and zone out.

Sometimes, I think that I should go back to work. But that would be really bad for the marriage.

I noticed in your posts that your husband tells you all the time how much he appreciates you. Do you think that I hear that, ever? I hear, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Once again, I must say that I almost never comment on his parenting ability. I know that making comments to a man who is trying is the kiss of death. I think that I am using this post to vent all my frusturation. Like a living diary.

I don't want to be right all the time or have things MY way, obviously. Otherwise I would relish the fact that I get to make 100% of the decisions, right?

I want to have a happy marriage and we do, generally. I just get frusturated sometimes and want someone to say "Hey, let me take care of that for you. Why don't you go sit."

Don't we all want to "go sit" sometimes? (I know that I am sitting right now, but I am also paying bills online and doing the laundry, ha ha.)

Thanks everyone.

Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:27pm
Well Melissa,I do see your point.It is hard to know where to draw the line.And of course every family has to work out a division of work that makes everyone in the family happy.This just works for me,and I realize it may not work for you.Yes,I do everything around the house,and with the baby.We live in an apartment so there is no lawn to take care of,but my Hubby does take care of the cars,and take out the trash.I take care of the house,grocery shopping, and running errands,and enjoy it;however,I don't pay the bills,because my Hubby feels more comfortable handling the money.We are both good with money,and I have to admit that when we first got married we fought over who would take care of the money,because we both wanted to.I agreed that he could do it finaly,and it has worked out fine.He always makes sure I have cash on hand,and of course I have axcess to the bank account,so I am happy with the way it is now.

As for when I get a break,well I am not working all day .I watch TV,read,am on the computer,go shopping with the baby,and talk to my mom on the phone.Once a week,my mom comes over to our place to watch the baby,and my Hubby and I go out to eat.My Hubby has to work from 8:00 in the morning to 5:00 or 5:30 every evening,and I am not at home working during the entire time.So I figure it all comes out even in the end.

As for feeling sexy,we usually have sex every night.(sorry if too much information HA HA!)

I am really doing what I have always wanted to;being a mommy and housewife.Of course I get stressed to sometimes,but overall I really enjoy what I do.

Again I realize that this is what works for me and my Hubby,I'm sure you two will be able to come to some kind of agreement!Also I am curious as to why you say going back to work would be bad for your marriage?Perhaps you really want to and feel like you have to stay home and that is why you are so stressed about doing things around the house by yourself?I am all for staying home,but if it makes you unhappy then that isn't good for you,your baby,or your Hubby.I don't know if that is how you feel,cause I couldn't tell from the post.It is just a thought.

And I know it is always nice to be able to vent,and use this like a diary.I never like to write alot,but it is easy to type.

Well I hope you can work something out that makes both of you happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:37pm
It's the same in my household. I even have to tell DH to change the diaper. He'll mention that the baby's diaper is wet. Yeah.......go change it smart one! Trash day is every Monday. I have to tell him to take out the trash or it won't get done. He forgets he says. How can you forget when you drive down the street every other house has trash cans at the end of their driveway? LOL

How do I cope with it? I eat.......so don't take my advice. I gained 50 pounds with my pregnancy and haven't lost an ounce in 5 months. In fact I gained another 10 after the baby was born. (we had a 26 weeker though so I have some excuse.......)

   

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:53am
Hi!

Thanks again for all the advice.

hlm- sex EVERY night? God, I'm impressed. And you actually WANT to? Wow. After a full day of the baby hanging off of me, sex is the last thing on my mind. I really am impressed. I want to be you and really be into this 100% and I try and try, it's just hard for me.

You asked why going back to work would be bad for my marriage. Well, when I met my husband, I was 22. He told me his dream of having a wife and kids and he wanted his wife to stay at home. At the time, I was 22, single, working my butt of with 2 jobs, and staying home seemed like heaven, even if it was far off in the future.

So, we ended up getting married and here I am at home. It's not an option for me to work (in his mind) because that was the "deal". He says he wouldn't have wanted kids if we were going to stick them in daycare. So, here I am. I can't say that I didn't agree to stay home when I was 22, but I am 30 now and of course things are a lot harder than I thought.

When I truly contemplate going back to work, I don't want to. I do enjoy spending time with our daughter and with the 2nd on the way, going back would just be stupid. But I do get overwhelmed a lot. My mom lives in NH and we are here in MI. My mother-in-law passed away last year, so I don't have a lot of un-paid babysitting outlets. Or advice outlets. Besides, I find my mom's advice rather appalling by today's standards of child-rearing (don't you?).

What's been overwhelming me lately about the child-rearing and household decision-making is this (finally figured it out last night):

We recently got rid of the bottle and dd is on full adult-food menu. She doesn't like to drink milk out of the sippy so, it seems like I am constantly feeding her. And worrying about it. What should I feed her now? Is that good for her? I know that she should eat lots of veggies, but she needs the calories and fat and by the time she's managed to eat the veggies she wants out of the chair....god, it's just on and on. This constantly feeding/eating/cleaning cycle consumes my day. And if she doesn't eat enough, she gets up (for the day) at 5 or 5:30 am, just starving. Makes for a long day.

So, after having to make decision after decision about the eating, I just can't take another thought. I need to trust him to make good decisions. And he either won't or will act like an idiot.

Geez... I am really unloading this week! Feels good to get it out. Really. I don't know if I've mentioned that none of my friends have kids so I really have no outlet. Other than here with you ladies.

Thanks a lof for listening.

Melissa

Meldi

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