Husband just a passenger....
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| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:22am |
Wondering if any one feels the same way I do...
I feel like I am the conductor of the family "train" and my husband is just a passenger along for the ride! I make EVERY decision, what to feed the baby, WHEN to feed, what to dress her in, when to bathe her, when nap time is. Then, every weekend, I am supposed to make all the plans or he will be perfectly content to lay on the couch all weekend. If we go to church, or to a friends house or to the park, it's because I initiated it. And I pay all the bills and generally make all the decisions when it comes to the house, cars, etc.
I am TIRED of it!
Sometimes, I don't want to have to make another decision. My mind is constantly going about the next thing... what to do next...then he wonders why I don't have sex on my mind all the time like he does! Let me tell you why he can spend all his time thinking about sex... because that's all he HAS to think about!! Other than work, of course. He doesn't have to think..."what's for dinner today, tomorrow and the next day?" "Are we out of toilet paper? Toothpaste? Bread? Diapers?" "Did I pay the heating bill?" "Doesn't the baby have a doc appt coming up?"
And that's just today, this morning, before 7 am.
If any one else feels the same, tell me how you deal with the frusturation.
Thanks!
Melissa

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My husband is the one who cooks dinner regularly so I don't have to figure out what to cook. Maybe ask him to help cook once in a while.
I hope this helps.
Tanya
I have to remind him sometimes. Oh I just thought of this. If you ask him to do something for the baby or the house DO NOT tell him that he didn't do it the right way or he'll never do it again. That was the hardest part for me. To realize that he had his own way of doing things and that they weren't always the way I would do it.
HTH
sorry if I'm all over the place I've been interrupted by my ds about 40 times while I've been writing this.
LOL
Jen
Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03
start delegating.
Give him jobs to do (the ones that don't matter how they are done).
I put my DD clothes in the dresser & closet in outfits. DH doesn't have to decide which pants go with which shirt. He just has to decide if it's cold or warm.
Posted by:
Rhonda
My personal favorite with my husband is how he acts like he doesn't know where anything goes when unloading the dishwasher. He goes through spurts, and for days I can't find anything because he 'doesn't know where it goes'. I give him one warning, then I stop cooking and he has to foot the bill for takeout. I justify it with "I can't find what I need because it's not where it belongs!". Then we do this pathetic little lesson on how the kitchen has been set up (the same way for 4 years....), and things get back to normal.
Michelle
I did talk to him this morning. After the past two days, I had reached my breaking point. Examples of his general silliness:
Watches dd climb up the stairs from across the room, knowing full well that she is prone to losing her balance because she will turn to look at him and wave as she climbs up. Then, IF I say something, he acts like I'm an overprotective mental case.
We were taking dd to get her 1 year pics done. We were about to leave and she starts crying (we thought that we could make it out the door w/o feeding her again and get something to eat out) but no. So he feeds her....noodles and chocolate pudding. Of course the chocolate gets on the dress, but I can't SAY anything because I'm lucky that he's feeding her, right?
Then, at the picture place, he thinks it's fine to let her crawl all over the floor in her nice dress and white shoes. I'm the idiot because I think crawling is a bad idea. Basically, he just doesn't want to have to do something else with her (like hold her or encourage her to stand)
THEN (last night) we are with the window salesman deciding whether or not to buy his windows. OF COURSE he says, "It's up to you." Why would he think that I want to make a $5000 decision on my own?
Whew.
So, this morning I told him how I felt. That my mind is contantly thinking about all the things I have to do. He says:
"Sorry you have so much on your mind."
Me: "Don't you understand that all you have to think about is WORK and I think about everything else?"
Him: "Oh. I love the way you trivialize my job."
Me: "If you were single, you would have to work, pay your bills, do your laundry, feed yourself, etc."
Him: "Yes I would and I could do that too. I gotta go to work."
God. My blood boils just thinking about it. I think that he thinks that it's easy. Soooo easy.
How can I get him to understand? I mean, he helps, he gives her a bath each day and gets up with her on the weekends (he's an early riser anyway) ...but he does act like its some big gift.
Thanks everyone.
Melissa
Just let me get this straight. Since I am at home, it is my job to do EVERY thing to do with the house, the bills, the baby(s, another on the way), the yard, the food, the docs, the cars, etc. With NO imput from the husband. Is that what everyone else does? When he comes home from work should I greet him at the door with a cocktail and his slippers?
Okay, now I'm just getting sarcastic.
See, my problem is that, like him, I'm new at this too. I don't have all the answers. Should we get the windows? Or wait? If he says, "It's up to you." That means, that if, the company wasn't the right choice or if we really shouldn't have spent the money, then it's MY fault. He let me decide and didn't take part.
And, I know this post sounded like I am nagging him, but, believe me, I never say word one to him about how he does things with the baby. Other than the dangerous (the stairs) or the downright stupid (the crawling before the pictures). Up till this weekend, I trusted his judgement always.
I do have a question. If your husband works all day and doesn't have to do any more work when he gets home, when does your day end? Do you stop working the minute he gets home? Do you feel sexy at the end of the day? I admire your old-fashioned values and have tried hard to paint myself into that role. But I know how hard he works. I also know that he gets to take an hour lunch break alone (one in which he can relax with co-workers or take a nap in his car) He can go to the bathroom alone. He gets a blessed 1/2 commute when he can listen to the radio and zone out.
Sometimes, I think that I should go back to work. But that would be really bad for the marriage.
I noticed in your posts that your husband tells you all the time how much he appreciates you. Do you think that I hear that, ever? I hear, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Once again, I must say that I almost never comment on his parenting ability. I know that making comments to a man who is trying is the kiss of death. I think that I am using this post to vent all my frusturation. Like a living diary.
I don't want to be right all the time or have things MY way, obviously. Otherwise I would relish the fact that I get to make 100% of the decisions, right?
I want to have a happy marriage and we do, generally. I just get frusturated sometimes and want someone to say "Hey, let me take care of that for you. Why don't you go sit."
Don't we all want to "go sit" sometimes? (I know that I am sitting right now, but I am also paying bills online and doing the laundry, ha ha.)
Thanks everyone.
Melissa
As for when I get a break,well I am not working all day .I watch TV,read,am on the computer,go shopping with the baby,and talk to my mom on the phone.Once a week,my mom comes over to our place to watch the baby,and my Hubby and I go out to eat.My Hubby has to work from 8:00 in the morning to 5:00 or 5:30 every evening,and I am not at home working during the entire time.So I figure it all comes out even in the end.
As for feeling sexy,we usually have sex every night.(sorry if too much information HA HA!)
I am really doing what I have always wanted to;being a mommy and housewife.Of course I get stressed to sometimes,but overall I really enjoy what I do.
Again I realize that this is what works for me and my Hubby,I'm sure you two will be able to come to some kind of agreement!Also I am curious as to why you say going back to work would be bad for your marriage?Perhaps you really want to and feel like you have to stay home and that is why you are so stressed about doing things around the house by yourself?I am all for staying home,but if it makes you unhappy then that isn't good for you,your baby,or your Hubby.I don't know if that is how you feel,cause I couldn't tell from the post.It is just a thought.
And I know it is always nice to be able to vent,and use this like a diary.I never like to write alot,but it is easy to type.
Well I hope you can work something out that makes both of you happy!
How do I cope with it? I eat.......so don't take my advice. I gained 50 pounds with my pregnancy and haven't lost an ounce in 5 months. In fact I gained another 10 after the baby was born. (we had a 26 weeker though so I have some excuse.......)
Thanks again for all the advice.
hlm- sex EVERY night? God, I'm impressed. And you actually WANT to? Wow. After a full day of the baby hanging off of me, sex is the last thing on my mind. I really am impressed. I want to be you and really be into this 100% and I try and try, it's just hard for me.
You asked why going back to work would be bad for my marriage. Well, when I met my husband, I was 22. He told me his dream of having a wife and kids and he wanted his wife to stay at home. At the time, I was 22, single, working my butt of with 2 jobs, and staying home seemed like heaven, even if it was far off in the future.
So, we ended up getting married and here I am at home. It's not an option for me to work (in his mind) because that was the "deal". He says he wouldn't have wanted kids if we were going to stick them in daycare. So, here I am. I can't say that I didn't agree to stay home when I was 22, but I am 30 now and of course things are a lot harder than I thought.
When I truly contemplate going back to work, I don't want to. I do enjoy spending time with our daughter and with the 2nd on the way, going back would just be stupid. But I do get overwhelmed a lot. My mom lives in NH and we are here in MI. My mother-in-law passed away last year, so I don't have a lot of un-paid babysitting outlets. Or advice outlets. Besides, I find my mom's advice rather appalling by today's standards of child-rearing (don't you?).
What's been overwhelming me lately about the child-rearing and household decision-making is this (finally figured it out last night):
We recently got rid of the bottle and dd is on full adult-food menu. She doesn't like to drink milk out of the sippy so, it seems like I am constantly feeding her. And worrying about it. What should I feed her now? Is that good for her? I know that she should eat lots of veggies, but she needs the calories and fat and by the time she's managed to eat the veggies she wants out of the chair....god, it's just on and on. This constantly feeding/eating/cleaning cycle consumes my day. And if she doesn't eat enough, she gets up (for the day) at 5 or 5:30 am, just starving. Makes for a long day.
So, after having to make decision after decision about the eating, I just can't take another thought. I need to trust him to make good decisions. And he either won't or will act like an idiot.
Geez... I am really unloading this week! Feels good to get it out. Really. I don't know if I've mentioned that none of my friends have kids so I really have no outlet. Other than here with you ladies.
Thanks a lof for listening.
Melissa
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