OMG! Went over to the Stay@Home debate..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
OMG! Went over to the Stay@Home debate..
31
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:03pm
I had this theory that I wanted to test out....see how the women responded. I'm going to post it here to see what you all think as well. As you can imagine, it was NOT well received. But, I must say, I've been in some heated discussions on this board and the women here are NOTHING like the ones that you come across on that board. Good god! What a scary bunch! And let me say, they sure have a lot of free time at work to post online! Ha ha!

Here's theory: Seriously, let me know if you think I'm nuts. It's just a thought.




So, I've been thinking about things lately...what's in the news, in magazines and books. Seems to be a connection here and if you will bear with me, maybe you'll agree, maybe you'll want to lynch me.

In the news:

1. America is FAT and getting FATTER, especially the kids.

What's to blame? Fast food and lack of exercise and too much tv.

2. Kids are misbehaving and out of control.

What's to blame? Lack of parental follow-through.

3. Teenagers smoking and having sex.

What's to blame? Lack of education.

4. Divorce rates constantly growing.

What's to blame? Couples "growing apart".

5. Stress is the #1 killer

What's to blame? Work, long commutes, kids and tv news

I guess you know where I am going with this, but if not, I can tell you what's to blame.

The lack of stay-at-home parenting.

Now hold on before you blow your top, let me explain.

1. FAT kids- hmmmmm...not too much of a leap here. Mom comes home harried from work. No time for making a healthy dinner! Let's get pizza. Or MacDonalds. Or Taco Bell. You get the point. Then the whole family eats (late, in front of the tv) and goes to bed. There was no time for exercise because kids were in latch-key (or just home alone snacking, like I did) and mom and dad spent the day working, picking up/dropping off and doing errands. If a parent is at home, there's a better chance that they will have the time to make a decent (i.e. healthy) meal. Also, there's less disposable income for meals out.

2. Out-of-control kids. Everyone knows a few of them, maybe more than a few. They don't listen to their parents, teachers or relatives. They yell "no", have tantrums, etc. Why? Working parents don't want to spend the 2-3 hours a day that they have with the child on discipline. Who would? So, instead of suffering any consequences, the child hears an endless series of "One...two...three..." without punishment. Yep. Disobedient kids needs discipline. It's hard work. Working parents don't want more work. They want nice nights at home with the family. At-home parents have the time and focus on the follow-through. Otherwise, the days alone with the kids would be hell without the structure.

3. Teenagers. This is the tough one. Even well-intentioned stay-at-home parents figure that once the kids are teens that it's time to "get their lives back" and start careers again. The kids have been raised right and they are old enough to stay home alone, right? Well, they are old enough to figure out how to sneak their boyfriends and girlfriends over, how to break into mom and dad's liquor cabinet, how to sneak smokes in the woods. Also, kids are going to break curfew and get into trouble. Who is going to be there to follow-through with the grounding of the child? Do you think that "no more phone", "no more tv" works when no one is there?

4. Divorce. No one should stay in an unhappy marriage. But why are all these marriages unhappy? Didn't you love each other enough at one time to get married and have kids? What happened? Well, even the working moms will agree with me on this point. Working moms end up doing EVERYTHING. You hear it all the time. They have to be the superwoman. They clean, they make and keep doc appts, shuttle the kids around everywhere. Do the laundry, grocery shopping, dusting. The resentment builds and builds. Then, one day it dawns on them. "I am doing this on my own anyway. Why don't I just have one less kid." Then, the husband's gone. Or, the husband had an affair (I was tempted to say husband OR wife has an affair, but you all know that it's the husband) because the wife never has energy for sex. Or has so much pent-up resentment that sleeping with her husband is the last thing on her mind at the end of the night.

Do stay-at-home parents have perfect marriages? Heck no! But I think that the initial involvement and committment to the family helps.

5. Stress. It's out of control, isn't it? All you hear: "Need more time, not enough hours in the day, 'How To Get the Most Out of Ten Minutes'". Working parents can't decompress and the kids feel it. The endless-motion-machine. The news tells you again and again how stressed you are.

This is what I posted (like a lunatic) on a debate board. Not one person even thought for a second that my theory could be possible. What do you all think?

Again, this is a theory, not a way of life or an accusation. Just some thoughts all came together one day and I thought, "well, maybe that's why...."

Thanks, Melissa

Meldi

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Avatar for decorator22
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:39pm
Oh, I totally agree! I can see your what you are getting at with your points. It's INSANE what happening to our families. Now I won't say that every working parent is like this, but a majority are. It's tough, most of the times they are just too tired. My husband is a HS teacher and he is just totally taken back with the lack of parental involvement. Kids are getting away with everything because there isn't a parent around. It's awful, but it's true.

So anyway, yes, I agree with you.

AJ

Avatar for laoster
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:40pm
Melissa,

I have to agree with some of your theory. I think our world is in a lot of decay because of parenting and the lack of moms or dads at home. I know a lot of moms that didn't want to work out the home, but have to because of money situations -- so you won't get a lot of support from those moms.

I love being a SAHM, but still sometimes wish I was doing more for the financial side of our family. It was a decision that both my husband and I made for our family. I'm fortunate to have a husband that has a good job that lets me stay home. But I don't think the answers to the worlds problems are a simple as moms being at home.

Everyone has to make decisions for themselves and for their life, but not everyone is making good ones. I think and believe that the reason for most of the decay in society is because we are fighting so hard to remove God from everything. This country was founded on the Word of God and it breaks my heart to see people fighting so hard to get it out of our schools and our constitution. If God isn't present then the only other thing that is, is Satan and he does no good.

That's just my two cents. You were brave posting your theory on the other board.

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:52pm
Thank you, thank you!

That's the point that I was trying to make. Just that we are falling apart and the lack of parental involvement is a major problem. And, I'm sorry, you are just not as involved as you think you are if you are off working and your child is in someone else's care.

Don't go over to that other board. It is not a "debate" it is a war zone. The women there lay in wait for a sahm with a different opinion and call them "trolls" and jump all over them, not nice at all.

Thanks,

Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:58pm
I agree with you totally,Melissa!You are brave for going to the debate board!I stay away from the debate boards,because it seems like everybody on there has such a liberal view of things,and I seem to be the only one with these type of views.I agree with you.It takes alot of time and energy to raise a child right,today when both parents are working ,that is almost impossible to do!I think parents are so busy working to get a bigger house or car etc.. that they neglect the most importent thing.I doubt if our children will have happy memories of our huge house or car.I think they will remember the fun times they spent with mommy,and how she was always there for them.My mom stayed home with me and my sister,and we never had a house of our own.We just rented.But that didn't matter to us.Our mom spent alot of time with us,and we still have a close relationship to this day.Now that we have grown up and "left the nest"she has gotten a sucessful job and bought a house.There is plenty of time to work and such,after your kids are grown.Of course I realize there are some single parents etc...who have no choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 4:09pm
Hey there! Well I do have to agree with the majority of what you have said! The only thing I do disagree on is about the misbehaving kids. I can see what you mean about working parents not having the time to discipline and stay at home aprents do. However I am a sahm with a 4 tear old & 2 year old. I am with them day in & day out except for when my son is at pre-k the 3 hours a day during the week & my daughter at preschool on Fridays. My kids misbehave probably more than they behave. So I think in general most kids misbehave regardless of where the parents are at home or at work. I'm not sure if you mean misbehave in a more severe manor like stealing, etc or if you mean like my kiddo's do, hit each other, don't share their toys, etc.

Anyway that is the only thing I differ on! The rest I agree with you totally! I am sad to admit that I am quite the lazy person & after spending endless amounts of time cleaning, I do frequently just take the kid's to a fast food restaurant but I am working on that!

I think what all you said makes sense! And I personally don't see a problem with any of it! I think you are right on the money!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

~Debra



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 5:09pm
OMG is right. I bet they wanted to chew you up and spit you out.

I agree with you totally. I never looked at it that way, but you have some very good points.

Cyndi SAHM of soon to be 6

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:51pm
I agree with you too. But my kids expshely my 8 year old DS act up a lot. I wish I knew how to handle him short of beating the blank out of him (wich I would never do). My 12 year old DS is starting to get a rude mouth on him too. so who knows. Kerri
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:56pm
I agree with you!

Shelby

SAHM to Haylei

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:30pm
Amen sister. I didn't read all your reasons. I just know from my own experiences. I have the worst case scenario happen to my family. Because I had to work, and had to go through sitter after sitter as you all know unless you are LUCKY and have a family member, my son was raped by a neighbor man, molested by who knows who, and now is a sex offender. He is 14 years old. It is NOT because I am a bad mother. It is because I am a victim of society and having to work because we could not make ends meet unless I did. Now, I have a baby daughter, and I have a horrible phobia of sitters and daycares. I am going to have to get serious counseling if I need to resort to a sitter. I do NOT have family who can watch my daughter, I live in a different state, and I will tell you, you can't trust people anymore. I am not knocking any of you who babysit. I am not saying they are ALL bad. I am saying I had the worst luck ever imaginable, and before you say something rotten to me, remember what I have been through and how it must have felt to be the mother of a son who didn't have a chance to begin with. I love him still to this day and I hope he can be rehabilitated, but who knows? Do you know how it feels to be the mother of such a person? It is heart wrenching and guilt provoking beyond your wildest dreams and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. My family is not a family and never will be again because of this. More mothers NEED to be at home protecting and disciplining their kids....AND IT WOULDN'T HURT THE FATHERS TO STAND UP AND BE FATHERS EITHER!!! Sorry, but the truth hurts. Amen sister is all I can say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 3:54am
I'm not even a mom yet, but i'm a nanny, and I totally agree with you!!!!

I mean, SAHM can defiatley make bad decisions, but having work as a priority over children!!!!! come on people!!!! As cliche as this is..."children are our future" .

Why do you think the world is getting more and more *ucked up.

Time in not being spent with children as it should!!!

I saw a short interview with Julia Roberts. It was great!! SHe said, " staying home and rasing children is certainally less appreciated. I mean raising children....teaching them, preparing them for the future, is FAR more work ....than making a MOVIE!!! "

It was nice to hear a hollywood actress saying this publicly!!!

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