Does anyone else's DH work ALL the time?

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Registered: 07-01-2003
Does anyone else's DH work ALL the time?
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Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:55pm
Hi everyone! :)

I'm new to the board and looking forward to making new friends. I do wonder if anyone has any suggestions for me. My DH is wonderful...he is such a provider for our family and works hard so that I can be home with our 14 month old son, Colin. He is a CPA, so needless to say, the past few months have been HORRIBLE. In addition to working some 13/14 hour days and weekends, he has a 45 minute commute each way to work. As a result...he leaves before our son wakes up in the morning and gets home most nights after he has gone to bed. I have tried SO hard to be understanding and supportive, b/c I know that he doesn't enjoy working like he has been...but the last few days I have just had a meltdown every night. I feel like a single parent and this isn't what I bargained for when I got married to him and we decided to have our baby. We've talked about it, and I feel badly now too, b/c he feels really guilty about not being around as much as he should/and would like to be. Was I wrong for saying something? He keeps saying it will get better..and I know eventually it will...but then I just dread the next year end/month end....all ends!! :) I'm trying to laugh at the situation...but being the one in it really hurts. I hurt that our baby never gets to see his Daddy...and I also feel like we are losing each other in the "rat race" of keeping up with our lives. I just feel like there should be more of a balance. How do we get it?

Sorry for the long message...but positive thoughts and suggestions will be greatly appreciated!! :) Thanks in advance!!

Lori

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:31pm
Lori,

I totally know what you are going through....my husband is a Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corp. He works on F-18 Hornets...he is usually gone and when he is home he works 12-15hrs/day getting the jets ready for exercises and deployments. I have a 17 month old son and am currently 22 wks pg. I just got used to it after awhile and in a 1 1/2 he will retire...Thank God!!! I don't have any advice for you but you can e-mail me if you want someone to talk to. My e-mail is toddskaggs38@hotmail.com. Good luck and I hope your hubby's hours cut back.

Kim

DD Angelique 15yrs old

DD Shana 11 yrs old

DS Tripp 17 months old

#4 EDD July 25

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:02am
Lori,

I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely. I can totally relate. My husband used to work horrible long hours and left in the A.M before our 3 kids were awake and got home after their bed time. It does feel like you are a single parent and is very frustrating. For the most part I tried to be understanding knowing that he is the sole income for our family and that I know he would rather be home with "the family" instead of working.... but without him at work, we would have nothing. Sometimes I would get to the point of frustration and lonliness I would start to question if money is more important than spending quality time.... Of course I always think that quality time together is richer than money, but what kind of quality would our life be without him working the hours he does to make the moeny he does. It is a toss up!

Often I would express my sadness and frustration to Dh and I could see in his eyes the hurt because he was torn as to what to do. He didn't want me to feel the way I did, but there was nothing he could do to change the situation. In the end we always needed the money he was making and he needed to work to provide for us.

Most important in a situation like this is to keep your lines of communication open. Understand how he feels about everything and try your hardest to make him understand how you are feeling. If you don't keep talking with one another, you will lose more of a connection and then the hurt becomes worse and then it will tear at your relationship more than you will ever want.

Having kids, a career, and a marraige brings sacrifices to everyone involved. I wish there was a way to balance everything, but it always seems like something gets jipped int he long run and most of the time it is the marraige. I guess this is why the divorce rate in the country is to high. lol.... When the lonliness and the frustration sets in, just remember back to why you married your Dh in the first place.

Try not to get caught up in the negative energy of the frustration and sadness. It is okay to feel these emotions but don;t obsess on them... it will only makes thing more tense.

I hope everything works out for you.

Shauna

(Visiting from the Colorado Board)

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Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:00am

I think you are very lucky to have a man to take care of you and loves you both.
I know how hard it is for your husband to be gone. My husband is gone 3 weeks at a time and only home foe a few weeks and then back to work.
I think that it seems hard to deal with, but if he is supporting you and your

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 7:44am
Hey there

I know how you feel I have been there as well. MY Dh busy season is 9 months long. His hours are very unpredictible and sometimes I get to feeling lonley and very much the only parent too. So you can make the best of of a bad time by being creative. Try meeting him for a quick lunch. I know that can be hard and not at all worth the time. But you could pack a small lunch and head to his office. Meet him somewhere and you three have nice 15 min break together. You could also find a nice hotel near where he works and the three of you stay there for a night. (some hotels are reasonable about 40.00 for a nice one at least in my area and you could join a club that offers points to redeam for hotel stays and such. )

I know it is so hard to put on a happy face. When your just sick and tired of it all. But think of it this way. He feels awful too, so if you add to his awful feelings then your relationship will just suck! So put on a happy face and know that you are doing this for him to make some part of his lousy day a little bit better. It will come back to you in a postive way.

Here are a few things I do when we get frenzied here. It makes me feel a bit better knowing I am making a bit of his day a little bit better.

I snap photos of the kid and put them on the pc so he can look at them whenever. I also download them to his PDA so he can see them when he gets a break. I also have the kids make signs that say HI Daddy then I snap a photo of them holding it up and e-mail it to him at work.

I stick a note in his wallet that says someting kind.

I let the kids take a nap durring the day then let them stay awake to see dad if possible.

I cook his favorite foods and keep them warm in the oven for him.

I know a lot of this may sound very corney and June Cleaverish. However nobody said being a stay at home mom was easy... (well maybe some of those moms from the work or stay debate board ) You have to figure out ways to keep the wheels greased and turning. Otherwise there will be only resentment, arguments, and unhappy feelings.


Littlemae

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Registered: 07-01-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 10:54am
Thanks Littlemae...and everyone!

Those are some great suggestions. It's nice to know that even though I may feel it...I'm not really "alone". I think things are getting a little harder now too b/c my DS is really starting to become more aware of what's going on around him. He knows when Daddy isn't home and when I hear him say "Da Da" throughout the day..it just kills me inside. I will definitely try to be more positive. I guess that these are the sacrifices that we are both making, so that we can try to raise a healthy happy little boy. We both felt and still feel strongly that me being home with Colin is what we want to do. We're working on options like him possibly bringing work home with him...it won't always be possible, but it might lift the load a little. I guess I also see that it could be worse too...at least he comes home at night so that I can see him. It used to be that he traveled about 60% of the time...so I should count myself lucky, right? :) Thanks for all of your support! If anyone wants to talk at any time..I'm usually online a couple times a day. You should be able to email me through my profile..I'm pretty sure I set it up that way! Thanks again! :)

Lori

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Registered: 04-25-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 1:40pm
Hi Lori! I know exactly how you feel. And I wish I had some advice but unfortunately I'm in the same situation so to speak. My husband is in the Navy & works ridiculous hours. Thankfully he is not deploying right this moment. Trust me, btdt! Anyway after he gets home from the Navy when he does come home, he showers & goes straight to his 2nd job. The kids & rarely see him or get to do anything with him as a family. I am so thankful that he works so hard to provide for us but sometimes I just want my husband home!

Good luck!

~Debra

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 2:41pm

I know what you mean, I didn't know how hard it would be when I married my husband 2 years ago. I left San Diego because of my Dh's job and moved to Fresno,CA. it's about 6 hrs away driving distance from San Diego. My Dh is a correctional officer{works in a state prison} and had a schedule of 2:30 to 10:30 pm. The prison is an hour and 15 min. away from where we live so he would leave at 12:30 pm and not return until close to 12:00 am.


This includes weekends, his days off are wed, Thurs. I also felt like a single parent, we began to fight because

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Sun, 03-21-2004 - 1:35pm
I know what you mean. My fiance works all the time...so much in fact that he whenever he needs to give out our phone #, he almost always says the shop #. luckily he has no commute, we live close enough for him to walk if the baby is sleeping when he needs to go in. He works from noon-10pm mon-sat, with day off on thursday and works sunday 1-8. But the hours are more of a guideline that an exact thing. He is a tattoo artist, so if someone comes in close to closing time and we need the money or he just really wants to do the piece, he could be home at midnight sometimes. Lately after much nagging; he has been good about helping me with Jacob though. He will get up in the night with him sometimes, and get up with Jacob when he wakes in the am now and then so I can sleep. Sometimes he will even actually change a diaper if they have been up awhile! And here lately he has been coming home early when he finishs up his appointments, since we havent been hurting for the money.

I hope you can figure out a way to see your DH more and get some help.

Sara

Jacob 6/11
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Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 3:32pm
Lori-you are not alone! my husband is a mail carrier!! A HARD WORKER IN DEED!! WITH THIS BAD WINTER IN NJ!! he works from 8:30 am till around 7 or later! he leaves at 7:15 and gets home around 8 or 9. If he gets home around 7, that is rare and EARLY!! I hate it also-HANG IN THERE! I have alot of hobbies to keep me busy! there has been nights my husband stays at a hotel, cause of the bad weather! I miss him and he misses our 2 year old, but I am never lonely or BORED!!

Try scrapbooking or reading novels(that is what I do) Or watching movies or even better HOME VIDEOS OF YOUR FAMILY!! or call your friends or family!! My mom is great to talk with!!

Good luck and are things better and where are you from?

Tax season is rough, but I survived the long winter, you can do this!!

I live in south jersey-christine020202@msn.com

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Registered: 07-01-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 9:06pm
Hi Christine...nice to hear from you...and everyone! :)

It really sounds like there are so many people out there in the same boat. I guess being SAH Moms...someone is out there bringing in the money. I was going to say, someone is out there working...but we work just as hard..if not harder right? :) It's amazing how ALONE it makes me feel though...thanks for all of the support and knowing that really, I'm not!

We had a really good weekend, and a SERIOUS talk on Friday night. We had spoken about it before, but I don't think he really understood how much I was hurting inside. I tried to stay positive with him, and let him know how much I appreciated how hard he was working for our family, and that I knew that he missed us too. We really talked about options as far as maybe bringing work home with him to do after Colin goes to bed so we can at least have dinner together and more than a few minutes of play time. He thinks that he can work that out hopefully a few times a week. It's not ideal b/c he would still have to work late..but at least more of a balance will be there. Like someone said in an earlier post..it at least helps to have the lines of communication open. I feel like we understand each other so much better now. We also cleaned out the garage today..hehe, it wasn't what I would say was "fun", but it was nice to finally accomplish something together. I was feeling like we weren't a "team" anymore, and it brought us back together in a way we haven't been for a long while. Is there such a thing as "cleaning therapy"? lol...

Thanks you guys!! I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted at least little bit... The rest will come off once this busy season is finally OVER!!! :)

Lori

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