friends?? ugh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
friends?? ugh
12
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:12pm
I have kind of a long question which I will shorten dramatically cuz I want an answer and don't want to have to go into EVERYTHING right away. but if you have ? please ask...here goes. I have a friend that I've been friendly with for about 2 years now. We've always been close in terms of kids and quilting. Our 2 favorite things to talk about. Well she has been very up and down in her marriage and lately she's been really starting to say some things that bother me. Whenever I voice my opinion she acts like I'm judging her, etc. Which I guess I am, but it's hard not to. Her husband cheated on her once. probably 5 years ago. she stuck it out cuz she had no where to go. k, then she caught him looking at kiddie porn sites 2 months ago. was furious, ready to leave him, etc. and then about a week after she caught him it's all of a sudden 'we're getting along great, we worked everything out'. well i don't agree with that. it's kiddie porn!! what's there to 'work out'??!! k. then one day she said her and her hubby had decided they were going to have an 'open marriage' and date/sleep with other people. not sure about that lifestyle. i think she has other motives. like her self esteem is low and she's looking for someone to make her feel good. actually she's even said that'i just want someone to pay attention to me and make me feel like a girl'. lol. so my question is this...(of course there's a lot more to it). i'm very disgusted with the way she talks now. it's not just friendly talk.,quilting, kids, etc. she tells me about what she does with these guys (yes more than 1). her hubby, by the way hasn't done anything (meaning getting a girl). maybe he thinks she is testing him?? i'm just not interested in a friendship with her anymore. is that horrible?? how do I tell her without her getting offended? is there a way? she acts like 'i don't judge your life, you don't judge mine'. yes. but don't we all to a degree pick our friends cuz they have same values as us, etc.? like a boyfriend, a husband, etc. what if that person changed drastically? do you have to keep doing it? being friends? what would you do?? what ever happened to a friendly game of cards and some nice clean conversation?? ugh

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: nikimcn
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:25pm
First of all, I would keep my kids as far away from her husband as I could. It's obvious that he has pedophilic tendencies if he is looking at kiddie porn.

As for your friendship...if you are not getting anything positive out of it, then it is time to move on! Your friend is crying out for help, but to all the wrong people (other men). It doesn't matter if her husband is doing it or not. You obviously don't agree with her new lifestyle and it is upsetting you. YOu could just avoid her if you don't want to comfront her with the truth.

Or you could tell her you don't want to hear about her little escapades and if she can't keep her mouth shut about them tell her you don't want to hang around her anymore.

It sounds like she has very low self esteem and her husband isn't helping any. Maybe you can suggest that she go see a therapist about it. If she learns to value herself, she may feel strong enough to leave her husband.

Tanya

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
In reply to: nikimcn
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:06pm
Tanya pretty much said everything I was thinking! I would definately keep your children as far away from her husband as possible! That is just plain scary & I fear for her children! :(

If you have accessed the friendship & do not find anything positive that she is contributing to your life, then I would definately break it off. And like it was said, either by avoiding her or just simply let her know you are uncomfortable with her life's practices.

Good luck & I am so sorry you are put in this situation. I hope that everything works out for your friend as well as for you! Take care!

~Debra

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:55am
So sorry you are going throught this.

I would definatlty keep kids away from him, and urge her to keep hers away as well. She needs counsiling. Of course he's not out picking up women, he's too busy with kiddie porn...gross!

If she is that good of a friend to you, than sit her down alone, and tell her your concerns and fears and problems with continuing the friendship. If she agrees. great..... chances are she will be defensive and angry, but you have a right to confront her and share your feelings. If she doesn't agree now, hopfully someday she will, and and least you will know you tried to help her.

I don't really know what to say.

Good luck

lesley

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:09am

I do not think you are wrong at all about your descion not to be friends with her.
It seems the freindship for her has turned more then what you are comfortable with.
I think he husband should be shot, but thats just my opinion. I hope he does not look at his kids like that if they have some.
I think that you should nip her in the bud and look for someone who has better morals.
JMO

Mel


Andrew 3-4-99


Dalton 12-4-03

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:12am
Hi!

What a horrible situation. I agree with everyone else and would keep my kids as far away from him as possible. I think this guy has a real problem, I mean, how many times has she NOT caught him doing something? And kiddie porn is really bad. Completely illegal and horrible. Have you thought about calling the authorities? They can take his computer and find out what else he's been up to.

I would also cut my ties with her. I know she is suffering from low-self-esteem, but (like a couple of my friends) you talk, give advice till you are blue in the face, and she just won't change or take the advice. It's always something, right? I have a friend that I hardly see anymore because she can be pretty racist (yuck!) and she sort of "cheats" on her husband (hard to explain why it's only "sort of"). She knows how I feel about what she does, knows that I don't approve, so it limits the things that we can talk about. And I know that she is not telling me things (like what she did on the weekend) and that makes our friendship a lot less. What does your husband say about her? Have you told him? His opinion might give you the strength to cut ties.

Good luck. Maybe (in the future) she'll come around and break it off and be a friend again. Right now, she is heading down a path that you cannot help her with...she needs to help herself.

Thanks,

m

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:36am
YUCK!!! I would get out of that friendship quick! It's too bad it turned sour. It's a hard situation for you to be in too. You will be the one who feels guilty quitting the friendship and I am sure she will make you feel guilty. Stick to your guns and slowly push her away. How? No idea.......sorry.

Good luck!

Brittany

Mom to Giovanni, 5 1/2 months old

   

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:51am
Mabye you could tell her you dont want to talk about any of that stuff. Other wise I dont think I would be talking to her.

Kerri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:46pm
BE SURE YOUR KIDS ARE NEVER ALONE WITH HIM OR WITH HER!And Yes, break off the friendship!Who knows!Maybe she will try to flirt with your Hubby,since she is seeing other men!If they have children,I would report him to the authorites,because he is likely molesting them!This is a very dangerous, sick man,and you don't need those kind of people hanging around with you,or around your children!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:23pm
I personally think your friend is disgusting...and yes i am judging. Open marriage-isn't that dating? And she caught him on kiddie porn. That alone would make me not want to know these people because what if he is looking at your children this way....ewwwwwww! Tell her that you 2 have grown apart and that you guys just don't share the same morals anymore. Do you really want to be a friend to someone who might be married to a future pediphile? Gosh i feel for you. I just can't imagine knowing people like that. They need some serious help,have you told her that? Sure you have. I personally would not care if she got offended if i told her our friendship is over. This is too strange. Sorry you are losing a friend but at least you can keep these people away from your children. Just think of them when you tell her you don;t want to be friends anymore. Cause i would not want to know people like that and especially be around my kids. Sorry and good luck.

Sheri
Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
In reply to: nikimcn
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:32pm
You need to get to the police ASAP to file a report. Studies show that people who are into kiddie porn are more likely to be pedophiles. They can keep your name out of it and get your "friend" the help she desperately needs. She is NOT going to change and you're not the one to have to deal with it. WAIT until you've contacted the authorities BEFORE doing anything with her though. She'll turn around and tell her hubby everything you say and then you could be in danger. This man may do anything to hide his dirty little secret.

Don't second-guess yourself, go to the police now. How would you feel if this man was abusing your children, your neighbor's children, etc.? How do you know he's not producing some porn of his own? I work with the police in a volunteer capacity and I know you need to do it. You could be saving someone's life, possibly your friend.

Please, please let us know how you're doing & what happens.

Lisa

Pages