At the end of my rope...

Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
At the end of my rope...
13
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:40am
For those of you who saw my previous posts, I'm back. This time, it's to solicit advice on divorce/separation. DH is no longer D, just H (LOL!). In a nutshell, I feel like a slave since DH won't help out at all. He feels it's my job to take care of everything since I'm a SAHM. This is nothing new as things have been deteriorating for years and I'm now looking into divorce.

Anyone been through this? I'm looking at jobs and apartments that the boys and I can move to. DH has said in the past that he'll try to take the kids away from me, unlikely since the courts won't just let him, especially since I'm technically their only caregiver. I'm sure we can work out an equitable solution once he calms down.

I'm not going to mention any of this to DH until I have some solid plans. No sense adding to the tension. Suggestions? Comments? Pity?

Trying to keep a smile,

Lisa

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:13am
I'm so sorry that your marriage has gotten to this point.

First of all, have you tried counseling? I don't think that you should totally go into a divorce without trying that route first. If you have and this is truly the end, make sure that you know everything about all of your assets and debts and then seek out a lawyer.

Gook luck. But, don't give up if there is the smallest thread of hope (for the kids sake...really, if you can work it out, it's really for the best.)

Hoping for you,

m
Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:31am
Lisa,

I am sorry you're going through this. You have to turn your world upside down now and start all over. Be strong Lisa!

I don't have advice for you. I wish I did. You know what's best for you and your boys. Remember that and again, be strong!

Brittany

Mom to Giovanni, 5 1/2 months old

   

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:48am
Hi Lisa! I, too, am so sorry to hear that the marriage isn't going to well. I also agree that counseling should be tried before you head down the divorce route. Do you still love him? If you do, there is still that small chance that things can change with some help from a trained professional. If you atleast try it out & it the counseling doesn't work, then you'll atleast have that in your corner if there is a custody battle.

Good luck & I hope this all works out for you & your children! Keep us updated!

~Debra

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:16am
You do either have a job lined up or the prospect of one right? (Like a good degree or something?) With more and more fathers being awarded custody- I wouldn't leave it to chance- if he can prove that he's a good father and has the financial means to care for them (via daycare, in home care etc.) and you're without a job- well... There *is* a reasonable chance the courts could rule in his favor, even though you *are* their primary caregiver right now... I'm not saying that to scare you, just so you can prepare for that issue to come up in the proceedings... Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!

(Also- make sure he can't access your internet accounts and read things you've written like this post... If you don't want him to know about your plans until you're ready to tell him- make sure he won't stumble upon them accidentally.)

And- have some money set aside that he doesn't know about- *just in case* he reacts badly to your news... He could make life miserable for you and the children during the proceedings until things are settled. (Things like closing your credit accounts- denying you access to bank accounts etc.) Just be sure to cover your arse...




Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:22am
Hi Lisa:

So sorry to hear things are getting this bad. I got to that point only just 2 months ago. I packed up the van and loaded in the kids, but couldn't bring myself to back out of the driveway. I didn't think I loved him at all anymore, but decided to hang in there just one more day. Taking it one day at a time, and kept talking to him, it's suddenly two months later and we are getting along much better. I realize I do love, I just don't like him much some days. LOL I swore I'd never threaten to leave him, not wanting to be manipulative, and never mention anything to him until I was resolved to do it. But somehow, I just had to give it one more shot, even after I told him I was packing to leave after he went to work. Oddly enough, the fact I told him and then didn't do it, after he kept asking me not to, was probably what really turned things around for us. Arguing with him meant nothing to him, but after that day, I think it shocked him and he finally realized how desperate I was. We still argue more than I'd like, but we've come so far in 2 months. If you can, hang in there, one day at a time. But only you know the whole story and if it's not a good situation for you or your kids to be in, then know we all trust you and support you. You know what's best, and we are here for you. You're not alone.

Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:40am
I should have mentioned that I've been in counseling for a year and a half now and DH refuses to go. Thanks for the suggestion, but even the counselor agrees it is probably time.

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:53am
Wytchy~That is some very good advice for anyone to know!

~Debra

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:36pm
I think you are making a big mistake in leaving your Hubby!If he were beating you,drinking,or cheating on you,that would be a good reason to leave.But for the boys sake I think you should stay with your marriage.Do you really think it is wise to leave him,when by the sound of your post your biggest problem is that you do everything at home?I do not recall your first post,so forgive me if there is a big issue that I don't know about.Keep in mind that a father is especially importent in a boy's life,and you would be doing a huge disservice to your sons,to try to take them away from their Dad!Divorce does sooo much emotional damage to a child,that I don't think you should consider it unless there is a very serious reason!You said your Hubby won't go to counceling,well alot of times in life you can't change other people.You can only change your self.Maybe you should adjust your way of thinking?Also,I think it is a very bad idea to leave without letting him know that you are thinking of doing that way in advance!Give him a chance.Maybe if he knows you would really do that he would change some of his ways!Please give your marriage another chance,before you think of putting your sons through the heart-break of a divorce!

Heather
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:13pm
Well, I'm glad that you tried the counseling for yourself even if he wouldn't go.

I don't think it's a good idea to stay at all costs....if there are more issues than the helping out thing. My parents got divorced after a few bad years. I remember my mom crying in front of us (the kids) all the time and I would beg her just to get divorced. It was really hard on us, though. We were happy that my dad was gone, but my mom had to work 2-3 jobs just to keep the house and it was a total struggle.

I think that you know that you should try to work it out. But, in a marriage, you can't be the only person trying.

Thinking of you,

m

Meldi
Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:21pm
I have to agree that it's not necessarily good to stay at all costs. Right now, we're fighting practically all the time and DH says he hates coming home. I have no help, no family, no love, no sex & no life. My friends all live too far away and I can't get out to see them anyway since my life revolves around the kids and the house. No, my DH doesn't hit me or drink, etc., but this is a form of abuse too. We've tried counseling together several years ago, but it didn't do much for us. I feel sorry for my kids, who have to deal with a stressed out mom who yells more.

Someone mentioned I should find a job (sorry, I forgot who). I'm currently looking for a good job and have a resume out at a very desirable hospital locally. They have a sick child program so I'm really hoping I get it.

If things don't get better soon, I'll have to do something about it or just resign myself to having a sad, lonely life.

Thanks again for all the viewpoints. I really appreciate it. I'm taking a deep breath, getting the kids to bed and am going to take a hot, relaxing shower.

:)

Pages