Don't know if I can do this...

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Registered: 03-29-2004
Don't know if I can do this...
9
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 3:53pm
I've only been a SAHM for a month.

My 19-month-old son was a pretty chilled out kid until about a week ago - all of a sudden, he's constantly hitting me, pushing me away, pinching, trying to bite, grabbing my face and twisting, etc. He doesn't even lay still for me to change his diaper - he throws things off the changing table, pushes me away, hits me.

We have been avoiding spanking but I am not sure what to do here. I feel like I must be doing something really wrong as a parent - within a month of him staying home with me, he has turned into an aggressive little monster. I have been trying to keep my temper with him, but it's really hard - right before I put him in bed for his nap today, he grabbed my lips and twisted as hard as he could, then slapped my face. I was so close to just slapping him back.

Is this normal behavior? I really am starting to think I made a mistake in quitting my job - obviously his sitter was doing a much better job with him than I am.

Avatar for irishcoffee
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:06pm
It's called the terrible twos ... I feel that it happens around 20 months ... not at 2 years of age ... but when a "2" appears in the number. He is starting to realize that he is an independent person who can make decisions for himself and most of the time his decision will be "NO" because it gives him power over you. If you allow him to control everything you will be miserble and ruin this time together. I found it best to give choices rather then ask yes or no questions. for example do you want a hotdog for lunch or mac & cheese, do you want to wear your blue shirt or your green one. He still feels like he is making the decision but you have controlled it. Do you want to leave the play ground in 5 minutes or six minutes. You could leave in 3, he doesn't grasp the concept of time yet but he will have decided "when" you leave. Also try to give as much warning time as possible ... it is very hard for 2 yo's to make the transition from one thing to another... say 15 minutes til we leave for the store .... 10 minutes and we have to pick up your toys and go to the store 5 mins etc .... in two minutes we have to put your shoes on to go to the store. They are becoming independant little people and you don't want to crush his spirit, just control the meltdowns. Also he will mirror what he sees if you have a tough time controling your temper with him he will be the same way. Good luck and try to enjoy this time rather then dread it ... I remember when my ds was 2 and he had his moments but he was a pretty good kid, now he is 14 and taller then me and getting a mustashe and a deep voice, the time goes way too fast as it is. Respect him and teach him how to respect you, its all a learning process but you do want him to be someone you are proud to know and call your son, everything he knows will be learned from you and those close to him ... teach him right !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:56pm

It might be the fact that you two are with each other more during each day then before.
It gets stressful to be around one person each day all day.
I do not think that it should go on without some kind of punishment or talk to him.
He needs to know that no matter his reasons, that it is not allowed.

Mel


Andrew 3-4-99


Dalton 12-4-03

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:46am
I know what you mean. Most days for me are a huge challenge. All I can say is stay firm, stay consistent, and let him know who's boss. that doesn't mean hitting him or slapping him necessarily. but getting very firm, taking his face, making him look you straight in the eye, and firmly stating that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated. if he continues put him in his room, a corner, time out chair, whatever. and monitor that he does not come out. this behavior only gets worse, not better. ever talk to a mom w/ a 3 y.o?? it's HE** most days, but I am the one in control, not him. hugs to you! it is not easy, but don't give up. i don't think anyone could do a better job than you. have you checked out any books on parenting styles, etc? maybe that would help you. just a thought...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:36pm
Don't make the quick decision that your babysitter was doing a better job than you. All that will do is undermine your confidence in yourself as a mother. I'm a SAHM to three boys, ages 5, 2 1/2, and 1 1/2, so I know what you're going through.

Try to keep him entertained as much as possible, because it sounds like his frustrations are getting the best of him. I read some really good advice in the other replies, like making sure you give hi warning before you change activities or before bedtime.

One problenm I run into is that all three of my boys have their frustration hours at the same time, late afternoon. I have to make sure supper is not late, because otherwise I have three whining, screaming kids crowded at my feet or fighting with each other while I'm trying to cook. Make sure you stick to a schedule as much as possible, because kids this age have to have structure.

And as far as what you said about the problems with diaper changes, ditch the changing table, and change him on the floor. That way all the squirming in the world won't get him hurt, and it's easier for him to hold onto a toy, book, or something else to distract him while you get him changed. I've done this with all my boys, and it works great.

I think maybe a lot of his problem right now is just getting used to the change of you being home with him instead of his former babysitter. Kids get really close to their caregivers. If you are friends with the person, try and have them stop by during the day sometime just to see him for a few minutes. That way your son knows that their friend didn't just dissappear, even if he doesn't see them all the time anymore. If that's not possible, or if you had him in a daycare or something, check with the DC and see if it's okay to bring him by for a visit. If he was around other kids a lot before, he may be adjusting to that as well.

Hope some of the suggestions will help, and hang in there. I know it can be frustrating, but like someone else mentioned, he's taking his behavior cues from you, so try not to lose it. If you feel like you're about to, just make sure he's in a safe place and has some toys, and head to the bathroom till you have yourself under control. Just remember that, he's not doing the things he does intentionally to make you mad. He's just trying to find the best way to express himself. I know it's hard to believe, but one day you will actuallly MISS these days! lol Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing. --->cjaboys

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Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:01am
My son is almost 15 months and hits and laughs. I don't think he realizes it hurts. What I do is grab his hands (just hard enough that he can't hit not hard enough to hurt him) and look him in the eye and explain that it hurt's when he hits and that we don't do it. If he hits again I put him in a "time out". Right now a time out is me laying him on the couch on his back for a minute. He cries the entire time, but doesn't get up. Then I pick him up and explain again why I did that, then we play together.

Tanya
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:20am
i agree with these ladies. what i have found though with all 4 of my kids when they started this, and it worked, is i started to cry when they hit me. at first they just looked at me funny. then over time they realized that i have feelings and they hurt me. of course it is a fake cry but when you cover your eyes and make that sound they do not know it. they would see that if another kid or even themselves were hit the cryed. my 2 and a half yr old now knows that if he hurts me the only way to make it better is to say sorry mommy and give me a kiss on the spot he hurt me. then he will give me a kiss on the lips. and i know that he is really sorry when he holds the kiss there and tries to look me in the eyes really close up. he will ask me then if it is better. this has pretty much stopped the hitting. now it is only when he is really mad or if he is playing and gets carried away.

heidi

Avatar for lori_mcbride
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:39am

Hi there!


I'm sorry that you're going through that!

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having a baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:27am
Hey there-

I don't want to sound like a child beater or anyhting, but with my 8 month old daughter, I treat her the same way she treats me. Read on before you FREAK please!

April is 8 months old. She is constantly pulling my hair, scratching me, kicking me, turning on the changing table, kicking things off the table, getting into things that she isn't suppose to after I have said "NO", but you have to think these are just kids...we have to teach them. I have two dogs and two cats and I find it uncanny how similar teaching and disiplining a child is like training a new puppy or kitten against unwanted behavior.

When April was about 4 months old she started screaming for her bottle and I would get so shattered I was spilling formula all over the place. Finally, I stood my ground. First I checked to make sure she wasn't really in pain. Then, if she started her screaming, I would either put her in her crib or in the floor and walk away from her where she couldn't see me but I could see her. After a few minutes, I would head back into the room and reassure her once she had settled to an upset sniffle. I would look her directly in the eyes and tell her I wouldn't tolerate her screaming like that. I made sure to stay consistant with this policy. She soon got the picture and has learned to have more patience with me. She has learned that I will always be there for her, but I will not put up with certain actions and behavior. Now, she is starting to try and flip in the middle of a diaper change. I simply grab her leg nearest to me, apply slight pressure to prevent her from rolling and tell her a firm "NO". She'll turn back to me and cry, which breaks my heart, but I remain firm. I repeat this several times until I am done changing her. When she yells at me, I yell at her. She has learned that I understand that she is tired or hungry, or not felling well and I will comfort her until she starts fussing and resists my attention. Then I lay her in her crib and walk away. Within an hour she usually settles herself for a nap and when she wakes she is her happy self.

My advice is stay firm with your son! Let him know you disapprove of his behavior. If he does something you don't like, put him in a room without toys, TV, or dangers (of course)...a crib is best but at 19 months he may be in a big boy bed by now I don't know, and WALK AWAY. My point is YOU have to set the boundaries for your son and no one else, okay. Stay strong you can do it! Is he your first? Well, good luck with him! If you need me you know how to contact me! My two cents- Nada

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:31pm
My DS went through the same thing! He started with biting, then pulling my hair, and then slapping me in the face (hard!). It was very frustrating, and very hard to control the impulse to slap him back! (I never did.) It lasted a couple of months, but it did pass! I found that taking my attention away from him was the best means of "punishing" him for it. As soon as he bit/hit, I would say "NO!", and then IMMEDIATELY put him down and walk away. I wouldn't speak to him, or even look at him, until he came to me. Then, I would pick him up and play/cuddle/whatever. If he bit/hit again, same thing. Eventually, he got the point that biting/hitting makes Mommy stop playing and walk away.

The thing that was most upsetting to me was trying to understand "why?". He was only doing it to me, nobody else. I couldn't understand why. I mean, I was the one who was doing ALL of the feeding, changing, rocking, playing, reading, singing, etc.... Why was he treating me this way? I was really upset by it, until I happened to run across something that helped. I read somewhere that babies typically try out this type of behavior on the person/people they TRUST THE MOST! My DS didn't hate me. In fact, it was just the opposite: he was so attached to me, and trusted me so much, that he felt safe in "experimenting" on me, because he knew that I would never hurt him. This was such a huge relief to me, and it really helped me to get through that stage with my sanity intact! Hope it helps you, too!