how strict? freedom for the child also?
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| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 9:49am |
my mom was all about not giving us kids an inch - so we wouldn't try to take a mile.
she wanted us to be capable & not demanding 'whimps' (her word).
she seems to have worked hard to keep us from ever challenging any of her decisions.
i think she went too far in keeping us subservient.
we were not allowed to ask for things.
she gave us lots of activities - but she selected those activities.
her parenting style worked (for her). it hurt me emotionally as a preteen but it did keep me from being a brat. we all knew she was the boss & that was that.
i'd like to not have the kind of bratty kids i see around alot but i also don't want to strain my child emotionally by being too strict.
i'm afraid that if i give the child lots of nice things & her own freedom that she will be difficult. not spoiled but more 'difficult'. (maybe she/he should be more difficult than i was- i didn't have enough sense of freedom or options as i should have felt).

The one thing I have done with my experience of being brought up by my parents, is not to do what I hated to my children.
I try not to be so strict on the things my parents were. I hated it, so I think they would too.
I think you should use your judgement. I dont think you can make your kids bad by being less strict. Love is a good thing to give lots of and then go from there.
Good luck.
It's the job of parents to set limits. But it's the goal of children to try to wriggle out of them at every opportunity...lol. We
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I think mombeetx makes some excellent points-I would also add a couple of things.
1) The child's temperament makes a tremendous difference. From the time my daughter was born she has been my strong-willed child. I can remember calling the hospital frantic after we took her home because she didn't sleep much, did not want to be held, hated being swaddled and was much more interested in checking out the world (she was 2 days old)-they said the difficult babies were like that. While we try to set clear rules for her and stick with those rules-I also keep in mind that she will test everything so I really have to watch myself about saying/threatening things that I can't back up. For example, I got so frustrated with her not being willing to leave a store once that I just walked off and watched her from around the corner through a door. She did not look to see where I was or become concerned in anyway. She just continued her shopping and chatted with passerby. Her brother is only 11 months but is much more laid back. He is also much more attached to mommy so the leaving technique might work better with him.
2) It's not just a question of how strict you are or how many rules you have but the tone and manner in which you enforce those rules. We recently left our DD (5) with my in-laws overnight. They are raising their 3 YO grandson and are pretty strict. When we returned to pick her up we were in the house for about 15 minutes and I was completely stressed as we left. I spent some time pondering the same question you have because I was worried that maybe we are too lenient and that's why my DD acts up. But as I examined the incidents that made me stressed I realized it wasn't the rule it was the tone and manner. Here are the examples-my 11 month old reached for a glass potpourri jar. I said No Ian, not for touching and gently moved his hand away. My MIL didn't say anything but moved the jar out of reach. My FIl shouted Big boy, you have to learn not to touch things here. The rule was the same in each case-you can't touch the breakable object but my FIL's response certainly raised my hackles.
Second instance, FIL was throwing a soft frisbee to the children in the living room. My DD threw it more sideways than straight and it flew behind his head. I was stunned when my FIL snapped at her, "That is totally unacceptable behavior. You can't throw it like that"
Final instance, the two children started squabbling over a jar. DH and I both said something about sharing and that they would need to work it out. MIL said something similar to the grandson. FIL announced they were both in timeout and when the children started to cry, commented that crying is not allowed in his home. Timeouts are halted and start over when a child cries. Again, I think the rule is similar here (the children were pulling the jar back and forth) but the method and tone of enforcement differed.
You certainly have to set boundaries and decide between you and your dh, as to what is acceptable, and what is not, and the appropriate consequences to the child. My mom was quite easy going, but if we broke trust, we KNEW there was a price to pay. It rarley happened (especially as we became teens, we had LONG since learned!) But my dh's mom was a tyrant. Even his dad was scared of her. She ruled the house and everyone in it (even if you were a visitor) with an iron fist. Example, when we were on our honeymoon, if dh didn't call home everyday, he knew she would make him come over when he got home and she would sit him down and scream and berate him for hours. We went to Thialand, from Canada, so it wasn't a cheap call! I made him not call for the last week we were there, and said if she had a problem, she could deal with me when we got back, and that dh was a married man (almost 30 at that time, and no longer was it mommies job to watch over) He has always resented her and his childhood. She was to the extreme, that is just a nicer example of what she did, it gets way worse! I have always thought my mom did a great job, she set rules, if we broke them we paid. Maybe the loss of a favorite toy or activity for a set amount of time, maybe missing an event, we learnt not to continue that behaviour. Good luck to you!
Lesley