Tough time adjusting

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Tough time adjusting
10
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 2:36pm

Hey there-it was been a little over a week since I quit my job to SAH with 2.5 yr ds and 3 month old daughter. I am having a hard time adjusting for a number of reasons

-have always worked and it is weird not to since for good or bad, it defined who I was for a long time
-family income dropping considerably- we live in an expensive area and keep feeling pooh even though daycare isn't an option I'd consider right now and feel that this is the best situation
-finding it daunting to venture out with toddler who is prone to temper tantrums-end up inside a lot
-find it exhausting to entertain toddler and nurse three month old, in turn feel guilty for not playing with toddler enough, can't shake feeling guilty
-have found it hard to make friends with people in similar situations-friends that have kids, have children that are older/younger, also have found that there are a lot of parents that don't discipline their children about hitting.

Anyway, I could go on, but basically I am in a funk and I am just wondering if this is normal in the beginning. A part of me thinks, give yourself a break, you are bf, you have an infant and a toddler...it will only get easier.

As for everything else...I want to be happy with our financial situation right now. I know that in the end, money doesn't=being happy but with having grown up really poor - it was hard to give up a lucrative job....I am not even that materialistic-it is just the fear of being poor again that eats at me.

As for feeling guilt- I find it hard to entertain my son and feel bad that he seems bored/is watching too much tv.

thanks for reading.

Ana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:05pm

Welcome to the board Ana!


You're not alone. I think a woman could fairly be called a liar if she said she

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:06pm

You are totally normal!!! I could have written your post 8 years ago - and let me tell you that it took me a YEAR before I stopped thinking that I had made the biggest mistake of my life when I decided to stay home. I was so bored and lonely that I would literally go up to strange women at the park and introduce myself, just to have someone to talk to.

So here is my advice:

1) Give yourself some time to adjust to your new life. Staying at home is a huge decision and will be a huge adjustment. Don't beat yourself up if you don't love it immediately. In time you will find your niche in your new world and you will be fine.

2) You'll have to find yourself a new support group and a whole new set of friends who are in the same boat as you. Check out Mothers of Preschoolers (www.mops.org), the Mom's Club (www.momsclub.org), and Mothers and More (www.mothersandmore.org) to see if they have chapters near you. In addition to that, see if there are any neighborhood playgroups around you - you may even end up having to start one yourself. All you have to do is find a few moms who want to get together for coffee each week with the kids. You can meet other moms at the public library during Storytime, at Gymboree classes, and at Kindermusik classes (just a few examples). Also, check out local churches and hospitals to see if they have any mom support groups. I joined my playgroup nearly 9 years ago and at first did not even click with the women in it, but now they are some of my best friends. But it took years for me to come to that point.

3) Finally, take care of yourself! Go to the gym, join a book club, take up a new hobby. Make it a priority to do something for yourself at least once a week. Otherwise you will lose your mind. I know that the kids need you, but they will not die if you leave them for an hour each week, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Trust me - I have been in your shoes and I survived. You will too, but you have to take care of yourself. Good luck!

Paige (mom of 3 boys - 9, 8, and 6)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:22pm

Hello, I am mainly a lurker (a little posting shy) but I think all SAHM's have felt that way in the beginning and then again at different times. I came home with my dd (now 4) and freaked out for over a year that I had given up a career. I had a hard time feeling validated b/c there was no one to give me a pat on the back for doing a good job cleaning or doing a craft with dd. It took me a while to realize what a wonderful gift this was to my child - even though during the time of my doubt I could talk about it like I felt nothing but the greatness. :)

Just give it time though and you learn how to fit all of those feelings in and create an environment that you are comfortable in. It's so important to find a group/activity that you can identify with and feel comfortable being a part of.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:24am
thanks so much for your posts. It really helps to hear that it is normal for there to be an adjustment period. thank you again for taking the time to read and reply
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:54pm
Wow I so know how you feel I have been a SAHM for two years I had a job that payed extremely well ai was single and shopped and partied and basiclly did what I wanted really. Then i met my DH who has custody of his three kids we were also pregnant soon after we met. We married and are prego again! I felt completely powerless as a SAHM my husband is from the south and holds SAHM's in the highest respesct I am from Northern Canada and only knew one SAHM growing up I felt like my place in the world didn't matter I felt tied down I couldn't do anything without a huge master plan and I descibed myself as "just" a SAHM now I feel comlpletely different about it I am proud of where I am (big help from DH) I am now proud to say I have no intention of working outside the home I have plenty of work here and I stop people in their tracks when they say I am "just" anything I am raising four soon to be five kids who need me and I was worried about what to do when they were grown but then I realized everyone has to retire some day. Because of the financial part of giving up work and changing countries I did something not everyone would agree with but I felt it was necessary I had my husband sighn a prenumpt saying I would have custody of my children in the event of a divorce and he would be responsible for maintaining a lifestyle my children and I were accostomed to. I did this becuase my parents were married for 13 years and my Dad walked out, our my mom was a SAHM and had no education she stuggled for years to get back on her feet. I promised her when I went home to raise my kids I wouldn't make the same mistake and be left with nothing, this is just my experience.
Danielle

 

           

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 2:58pm
Unfortunately, being a mom is not a lucrative job. Staying at home is tough, in that you are isolated. Period! I was never a career person, and i am not afraid of being poor so i don't worry too much about that, so i can't offer words of wisdom for that. I don't know, why did you give up your job if it was so lucrative? And was it to be home for the kids, or is it more cost efficient considering day care and your personal expenses while working, cause having a career requires expenses too. I don't know the particulars of your situation. About a career defining someone, i have never been this way, cause i don'ttake careers seriously, thats just me. Although, i probably could have had a career had i seriously wanted one. I feel the only word of wisdom, i can offer is do what you think is best. Mothering requires sacrificing, what cosmopolitan living deems significant, prestige, money, perceive power, distinction. It is a choice you have to make nobody can tell you what is right for you, nobody. I was having coffee this sunday and there was a career woman there a banker, with two small kids, she in my interpretation was a career woman, more so than anything else. However, like i said, it depends on who you are and what you really want. There is no right or wrong, just choices.
I feel being a stay at home mom, is a lot easier than any career, this is just my opinion, though, after a few years home you will tackle any career and excel. Staying at home forces you to commit to others, and this hs been real gut level growth for me, it is not lucrative though, but, soulfully, indespensible.
Just my two cents worth.
arie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 4:31pm

Ana - I just posted about a similar issue to yours, but it sounds like our situations are a lot alike! I just wanted you know that you have a newbie SAHM buddy with a 3 year old and a baby due in April.

Also, I wanted to mention a couple of things. I can totally relate to the finances issue! I quit my job where, with commission & bonus, I was actually bringing home MORE than DH. I still don't know how that's going to work out, but I am doing some jobs from home to help with money. If that sounds like something that would help, you should definitely look into it. Everything I'm doing is all online, as I have time, and I do things at night when DS is in bed, or when DH is home.

I think someone mentioned a Y membership, which I just started looking into this week. I am really thinking about doing this, once I get the hang of paying bills with one income. Especially since you've just dropped a large part of your income - you might qualify for a rate reduction if money is an issue. If you go to www.myy.org, you can look at the income guidelines and see how much you can get one for based on your income.

Just wanted to offer a little support and let you know you're not all alone!!

~Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 11:23am
Hi there. I'm new to iVillage so this is my very first posting. I read your note from this morning and I thought, wow, there really are women out there who feel the same way that I do. I became a first time mom at 39, now 40, and have been experiencing a lot of the same things that you are. Grew up with not a lot of $, worked my whole life, made a good living, got married to a wonderful man and had a baby. We now live in an expensive area where daycare is not an option and I can't seem to figure out how to meet other moms in the same situation. I feel guilty putting my 6 month old in the Jumperoo in front of the TV so I can play online or take a shower for a few minutes. I feel guilty that I can't play with her more, but sometimes, she doesn't seem to want to play, I think she gets bored with me also, plus I feel guilty about being home with her all day and not doing dishes/laundry/shopping/etc... I too am inside a lot and I HATE IT, but it's too cold right now to venture out with her and not feel guilty about that. Guilt guilt guilt. I am feeling like being a stay at home mom is my JOB and I'm not doing well at it. It's weird, I used to love having my annual evaluations at work--I'd be afraid to have one now! haha...lol. Anyway, just venting and feeling your pain. Hang in there, I hear it gets a little better as they get older :-) Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 3:51pm

WOW! If I didn't know better I would have thought I wrote your e-mail!! You've received lots of responses and I'm sure you are sick of it by now! :) This is my first week as a SAHM (not by choice). They downsized where I worked. We have 3 kids under the age of 7 with another one on the way. Definitely struggle with one income. I did, however, join my local Y (and they never turn anyone away for inability to pay. Years ago while in college they let me only pay $20.00 a month because that's all I could afford.) So talk with them and let them know if you can't afford the membership currently. They definitely will work with you. My local Y charges $2.00 an hour for babysitting 2 of my kids after I drop the older one at school. It's such a relief for an hour!! I'm pregnant so I just walk on the treadmill and watch T.V. for an hour. It's completely worth it!!! And once in a while I actually have an adult conversation with the person walking next to me. I also joined my local mom's group and will give that a try for a while. I refuse to stay home every minute of every day and stare at these walls day in and day out!!
Good luck to you and as you have read from the other postings there are plenty of us out there in your same situation. You're never alone.

(P.S. I also pray!!!! :) :) I need that little extra help some times just to get through the day!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 10:08am

Hi there- thanks so much again for the great responses. I am feeling very much at peace with my decision. I think that this is in due in part to the fact that I was offered a part-time job with my company so I had to face the prospect of returning to work two days a week and figuring out childcare. My dh and I talked it over and decided that even though we could save money if I worked, it wouldn't be worth all of the aggravation and stress. We've decided that for the next two to three years we are just going to assume that we will not save but we will focus on enjoying the time our kids are little.

thanks! I look forward to getting to "know" you