am i weird?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
am i weird?
5
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:29am

i am new to the board here and was wondering if i could get some advice about whether i'm crazy or not.

my husband and i have been happily married for over 12 years, and we have two beautiful daughters aged 13 and 11.

while my husband is away for work, sometimes weeks at a time, I spend a lot of time with our friends that live down the street. they are a young married couple too, and they really help with taking care of the girls when i need to do things.

the thing is that i am developing this totally irrational crush on the guy. we click so much and I worry about his wife getting jealous. my daughters love him to death, and i think they miss their father so much when he is away that they fixate their attention on the only other male in their life. now i'm afraid this is happening to me and i know its wrong but i feel powerless to stop it.

as i alreay said, i feel like his wife is jealous sometimes about how much her husband and i hit it off. her and i are great friends and i don't want to screw up my friendship with her. i spend a lot of time over at their place with the girls, and she and i have a friendly competitive banter. one night when the girls were asleep, she and i got pretty drunk and got in this faceslapping game where at first we were laughing but a couple of the slaps she gave me got pretty hard at the end there. we laughed it off and her husband thought we were nuts, but still pretty weird.

the other problem is the girls are getting in a lot more fights now too, and sometimes its over petty things to do with getting my friend's husbands attention. just the other day we had a hell of a time getting them to release the death grip they had on each other's hair.

i feel like maybe i should spend less time there, but my daughters love my friends, and they are really helpful for when i have things to do, as i said before.

the crush i have on him is harmless, as he seems to really love his wife, and i don't think anything will happen between us, but am i crazy to be pining over him, as my daughters seem to be too? is this a normal emotional feeling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:28pm

No you're not weird, you're lonely. So it's understandable. However, while it is understandable, it is still wrong. It's harmless now, but it's how affairs escalate. And actually, it's NOT harmless. It's beginning to harm their marriage if she is obviously jealous, it's harming your girls to see their mother flirting and whatnot with another man (they're pre/teenagers, they can see you flirting!), and it's harming your marriage because it's redirecting attention from your husband to this other man.


If you're "powerless to stop it" then you've got no choice but to cut all contact before you become powerless to stop something else. No, you're not weird for this, it's understandable. You really should speak with your husband and exhaust every possibility for him to be home more, because while he is being responsible as provider, he is being irresponsible as daddy and hubby, KWIM? Your daughters are craving daddy time and attention, but since daddy is gone they're settling for a substatute, you're craving manly time and attention, but since your man is gone you're substatuting. It's a normal emotion, but it needs to be remedied before it transcends into an unhealthy emotion for all of you.


Good luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:28pm
It sounds like maybe with your DH gone for long periods of time, you might just be feeling lonely without him, and when you see your friends together, it reminds you of what you have with your DH, and maybe subconciously its your way of coping with the away time you have from your husband.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:38pm

I think you need to make a very serious decision here if you intend to keep your family intact. Why would you put yourself into such a precarious position? You are playing with fire. It sounds pretty obvious that his wife does not approve...and can you blame her? Ask yourself if you think your husband would feel comfortable if he saw the dynamics of your relationship with this man.

Is it normal for you to feel this way? Yes, I think it probably is normal. Your husband is gone too much and you need him to be there for you. That is something you need to resolve with you husband as soon as possible. However, allowing these temptations to continue to fester is dangerous and sends the wrong message to your girls. Get away from this man and stay away from this man...then sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your husband about the importance of making time to be together as a family.

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 7:20am

The other posters have given you good advice, and I agree with what they have said. Yes, what you are experiencing is normal. And yes, it is also DEAD WRONG. My husband also travels Monday through Friday, so I know what it's like to be alone. That's why it's even more dangerous for you to be putting yourself in this tempting situation. The crush that you have on him is NOT harmless - it is harmful to your marriage, to their marriage, and especially to your daughters. You need to completely remove yourself from the situation - just like an alcoholic needs to completely stay away from a liquor store. Nothing good can come of this situation. You are putting your marriage and your children in serious danger - if you care at all about that then please stop. Losing a friendship is NOTHING compared to destroying your family. Good luck -

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 10:51am

Hi! Welcome to the board!


The advice I have, you may not like. If you just needed to vent, please disregard my advice below. It's just my opinion, from having been in this situation before.


RUN! Run away - fast! It sounds like your girls may be developing crushes of their own. If it's causing you stress this much, then it's maybe not as harmless as you think. If you truly value your friendship with these people, and their marriage (and your own!), I think - just imho - that you should severely limit or eliminate time with them. I'm glad they help. You need helpers. But it sounds like it's developing into something unhealthy.


Again, just mho, take it as you will. I hope it works out for the best, though!

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