Thank you Dear Friends, it's like this

Avatar for trapperjane2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thank you Dear Friends, it's like this
13
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:33am
There have been, like some of you, big changes in our lives the past five years. Unfortunately, when it should have made us closer, there is a wall between DH and I and I don't know how to get through it. We have drifted apart in some ways, I get jealous of any time he spends away from me, he seems more interested in "doing his thing" right now. As I think I said when I first found you, I've tried different clubs, churches, groups etc. over the years, it seemed there were friendships formed, but they didn't last for whatever reasons, some people went back to work, I found parttime work at different times, children grew up at different stages so we didn't have that in common anymore. I just couldn't find my niche. DH became active in the local Legion, I thought finally we belong somewhere, but the people we were friends with have left and it's been made fairly clear to me, since I'm "not from here", I don't belong there either. I do get critical of these people, but they've really hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid and unwanted. So now if I say anything about anything I complaining or (that word that would be censored immediately). He's a "member" so he's accepted and bends over backwards for them. I have acquaintances, but no real women friends now. I get very lonely and frustrated at times, jealous of DH spending time away, and frankly we fight. Guess I'm like a child..any attention is better than none. So that's what's wrong..might as well tell it like it is..........TJ

Pages

Avatar for kacee2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:10pm
TJ, so glad you posted this morning. Quite a few people worried about you and hoping that you are all right. Wish I had some answers for your problems, sorry. But please know that you can always come here and let your hair down and will find understanding,comfort,

listening ears and shoulders to cry on.((((Bug hugs)))) KaCee

Poof!!! I'm gone!!

KaCee

Avatar for quite_contrary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:56pm
Awwwww TJ you sure do sound bummed. I hear what you are saying though. Sometimes before I found this board I felt the same way. I could feel 'alone' in a room full of people. I don't have any real good advice for you either except that getting it off your chest always helps.

For many years I was a stay at home mom with a house full of kiddies and a work-a-holic husband. I am ashamed to say I did not have a drivers license so I was trapped at home until DH took time off work to take us somewhere or I impinged on the generosity of friends. He had his business acquaintances and clients and just didn't seem to have a lot of time for my needs. He wasn't mean just busy and well, lets face it, clueless. I spent a lot of time resenting my situation and him.

I finally got my drivers license and so that was my independence day. I didn't have to rely on him for necessary for pleasure transportation. Funny thing is I noticed after I got my license and was out there doing my own thing he would find a way to join us. Seems he didn't want to be the one left out.

I know you have tried to find your own thing too but don't give up. Maybe you just haven't found it yet in real time. Cuz you sure have found a place you belong in this garden and many loving and true friends.

Hope you feel lots better soon. This long drawn out winter and grim weather can make you feel hopeless too. Heres to better weather and happier thoughts. MM

Avatar for emty_nstr
Community Leader
Registered: 05-25-1999
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:25pm
TJ, I went through something very close to that a while back. All my friends work now and I have no sit down and coffee type things going on anymore. DH, is on the Fire Dept.and is an EMT and on the town board. Plus he works. He was really with the women on the FD mor than with me. It really wasn't a real you like her more type of thing but I sat here some nights by myself and just thought.....that is a problem. So I got a Nintendo. Brought it back here and while he was gone I played games. He really didn't tease me so much as I felt like he was. ....O she is back playing games.....type of remarks....The Nintendo broke after I had started cooking at the bar. Then my back go to bothering so bad I had to quit.....

Then it got to me again. That is when I bought the computer. I had really gotten into it and was reading and watching the tv shows on computer etc.....then I bought one. And I think he thought it was going to be just for games...but then I was able to talk and see the kids and grandkids and some of the people that he was with would call me for computer help and everything kind of melted together.

When we are working on our wood things and we are both in the shop at the same time we get TONS done. And we both like to fish and camp. So now things have mellowed out and if he has meetings 3 nights in a row I just come back here. And I am fine with it. I sometimes wish we live in a place that we had classes that were more accessable we are in the boonies now and have to travel too far most of the time. But I think if the had some classes on something that I really want to learn like Paint Shop Pro I would go.

Now he is happy and I am happy so I don't think about the time he is with live people and to be honest now that I have quit smoking others not old friends have asked me to do things and I turned them down....I wasn't good enough while smoking I don't want anything to do with them now...So there.....lol......that is kind of a power rush for me. Yes I still have my smoking friends. I hope you find that thing that helps you turn I know it is no fun to feel like a shoe bottom.......Janet
Avatar for klrambo
Community Leader
Registered: 10-19-2000
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:48pm
TJ, I'm so glad you told us what is happening. Sometimes we do begin to feel like we are living all alone in a lonely world. As MM said, 'alone in a roomful of people'.

The one thing that I know has always helped me when I have been at one of those points in my life is to 'volunteer' somewhere that is about people or pets. It doesn't make any difference where! But it forces you to open up to another living being. You will begin to interact with your co-workers even if you work at an animal shelter! You may find that you get so involved with something that your DH begins to wonder what you are doing and wants to be a part of it too. But even if he doesn't - you will be fulfilled.

I am praying you will find your niche soon.

Kt

Co-Community Leader at:
50 & Up Friends | Menopause & Perimenopause
 
My Web sites:
50 & Up Friends | Ladybug’s Recipes | Menopause Oasis

You are loved ~~ far more than you may ever know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:00pm
TJ, sure hope you will find your way in this season of your life. Recently, have also had some chgs in mine and still processing and making new friends, interests. So glad you could come here & share. Take care. God bless.

Joan

Take care.  God bless u & yours,


Joan

Community Leader
Registered: 10-01-2002
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:06pm
TJ I am happy to see you here! It sounds like you are down.. Maybe with Spring coming things will look a little bit briter when I am down I walk to clear my head... I will send you a hug and smiles Maybe that will help...
<
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-1999
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:11pm
Oh TJ, I am so sorry for the hurt you're experiencing. I can tell you're in a lot of emotional pain. Can you plan a time with your DH that the two of you an sit down and talk about it? Make an appointment with each other, if you have to, maybe go out to a nice quiet restaurant for the evening. Tell him just what you have told us. If you can make him understand how deeply you are hurting, and how serious it is, surely he will make an effort to spend more time with you, or at least be more considerate of your feelings.

I also like KT's idea that you find somewhere to volunteer or get involved with another group of some kind.

I hate seeing you so down. We are here for you anytime. Hugs.....BB

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:42pm
TJ, I am so sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I really don't have any answers or advice to offer. The advice that you have already gotten seems pretty good to me. I feel like I can identify with what you described, because my late DH used to "go off" and do his thing,too. It was a very lonely time for me. I agree with the suggestion (BB's, I think), that you make an "appointment" to sit and talk this over with your DH.

I hope that you know how special you are to us on this board. The only disadvantage is that we cannot be there for you in person. Please come here anytime that you feel the need to get things off of your chest. There will always be someone here to understand.

 

             

Avatar for hope_bou
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:10pm
TJ- glad you came back and shared with us. I find it helps when I let go of what is bothering me. I have no specific advice to give you, but I will say that every day is a challenge. I have had to adjust to having dh home 24/7 since his illness. I have no time alone in the house. He is always underfoot asking what are you doing etc. We always did things together, but now I am learning how to do them alone. Friends stopped calling since he became ill. I've had to reach out and create a new circle of friends. The biggest problem I deal with every day is guilt. Guilt at going to a movie, a support meeting, a concert, a dinner- without him. I've had to accept that he is no longer the man I married. I think one of the reasons I didn't retire was because I feared having to be home 24/7- too much dependecy. I like MM & Kt's suggestions- I need to learn to drive and have a volunteer position ready for when I retire. Life is full of surprises. I didn't expect to be alone while still married. I thought we'd be in the Caribbean driving into the sunset, like in the commercials. C'est la vie. We will survive. This board sure lightens the load.

Hug

Hope

Hug Hope
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2002
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:21am
So sorry TJ to hear you are in such emotional pain. This time in our life can bring so many changes and some of them are difficult to get through.

You can certainly try talking to DH and making him understand how you feel, sometimes they really have no clue. However if that doesn't work I think the best thing you can do is find your own interests...it may take time to find your way but it will make you feel better. Many of the suggestions that have already been made are very good ones.

I hope you can find something that interests you, your own friends..how about taking a class..is that a possibility? I'm starting a new yoga class with the local adult ed.

One of the reasons I took the part-time job with Yankee Candle was I needed a change of pace...I travel alone to visit my kids..

People who make you feel stupid and unwanted are certainly not people you need to be spending time with...start doing your own thing and old DH may suddenly wonder "what's going on with you"

I hope you start to feel better soon, in the meantime you know we love you and are here for you.

Val



                                      

Pages