A Little Better Explanation ~
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A Little Better Explanation ~
| Sat, 04-26-2003 - 3:58am |
I didn't know this board existed or believe me I would have been here before! For those who replied to my message, thank you for your love and support! That means a lot. I am 58, but the man in my life is 48 and his son is 14. We have been together for 3 years May 11th and have lived together for 2 1/2 of those 3 years. When he came into my life I felt as though I had finally met the man I'd waited for all my life, I still do. We have both been through terrible marriages and divorces. I was married for 19 years to my last husband. Had to go through extensive therapy and a wonderful support group to learn who I was and that I mattered too. Men can really destroy you and take you down. Anyway, aside from making some wonderful friends in the support group and we have all stayed in touch for 5 years now, I was experiencing the joy of independece and having my own home, but still lonely when I met Neal. We hit it off right from the start. The only thorn in this whole thing is his son. I admire him for being such a good dad, but by the same token, I think he goes overboard a little too much. When his ex-wife re-married and moved an hour and a half drive away and it's become too difficult for him to go pick up his son after school anymore, which by the way he's been doing 3 days a week, that's when he started thinking about getting an apt. across from his school so he can see him more. How do you fight someones love for their kid?
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The funny thing is that the kid he devoted all his time to back then became a spoiled, selfish person, who's now 34 and they haven't spoken in many years. He has a good relationship with his other children and also with my three.
There really is nothing you can do except let him do what he has to do. This boy is 14 and the fact of the matter is that pretty soon he'll be getting involved in his own life.
You're hurting right now but really what I would suggest at this point is that you start doing things for yourself..do you have friends to get together with, interests of your own. If you try to put yourself in between him and his son, it won't work. He may also be looking at his son growing up and growing away from him which is why he's trying to hold on so now.
Look at all you've been through and realize that no matter what happens you're strong and will survive this also.
If this relationship is ment to be, it will work itself out, go back to enjoying your independence and your home and look to make a life for yourself. You have your health, you can live independly and who knows what's out there waiting for you, go out and find something you enjoy, start living for you.
In the meantime we're here to offer support and listen, keep coming back..
Val
I just visited your web page, you have a lovely home..you created a great website and you have all those furrbabies.. enjoy them.
Are you kids and grandkids closeby?
Val
I am happy to share my life experences if I think it will help someone with a situation they are having in their life.
It seems that aside from this problem..your life is good...girlfriends,family close by and how about that 4 year old granddaughter. Gotta tell you I have a granddaughter who will be five next month and she is just something else. I wish I was lucky enough to have her close by but she lives in VA and I only get to see her every couple of months.
I have two other grandchildren in NC, who I also get to see a couple of times a year. I have one grandson here and try to get to enjoy him as much as possible. I miss the others but consider myself lucky to be in a situation that allows me to go and visit them as often as I can.
Try to focus on all the good things in your life for now and while I hope things eventually work out for you, I know that whatever happens you'll be fine.
Go get that little girl and give her lots of hugs, it'll be great for both of you..
Val
I read both your initial post and this follow-up. I feel sad that this has happened to you and your SO after so much new-found happiness together. But ... I really don't know what to say except ...
Remember the words from that song? You can't make soneone love you if they don't. Sad but true. If you and he were meant *to be*, it will happen. If not, know that you are a strong woman and will go on to do wonderful things and enjoy a wonderful life.
Many blessings to you at this difficult time.
BTW ... I'm Francine, 58, from SE Massachusetts.
I like that name. Anyway, I don't think that I have had a chance to welcome you to the garden. I hope that you like it here and will become a part of our great group of women.
I usually don't stick my nose in about problems like yours unless it is a family member, then I am all over it. But you seem to need some type of support. I think that your should not try to compete, if you will, for your sweethearts affection if it means that he has to decrease the time he spends with his son. Boys, especially boys his son's age, need their fathers more than you need your friend. He is fourteen, and that is the age where what a man turns out to be is determined. Your Honey is doing exactly as he should, in my humble opinion ( and please understand that this is only my opinion and not some sort of judgement). What I think is that I would not want to be with a man who did not take care of his children as much as possible. I don't mean spoil them, but parent them as much as possible. It really is his obligation to do so. In four years, or so, the boy will be grown and on his own, and then the two of you will be able to make a life together. Just be patient.
In the meantime, come and join us here. We have lots of fun and it makes things less lonely. I know. I am widowed and have two daughters. I am glad that you have a circle of friends and family close by. That helps. So let your Honey do what he has to for his son, and that is be as much of a father as he can in these important years. Too many men are not willing to do that after a divorce.
I hope that I don't sound like Dr. Laura, or some preachy person, because that is not my intention.
Welcome to the board.
Dannie
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