Families can be so frustrating!!......

Avatar for trapperjane2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Families can be so frustrating!!......
12
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:10pm
DS and his little family are planning on visiting her family over the holiday week-end, and were going to stop over night and visit with my brother, niece and mother. Called my mother last night, she first said DS couldn't stay at her house, then changed her mind, in a very snotty tone of voice said she certainly wasn't going to cook, they'd just have to be satisfied eating at a restaurant. She ended the conversation by sighing deeply and in a very ungracious manner, said she would tell my brother and my niece. Well, folks, they already know as we've talked in the past before we visited because it seemed to cause less problems at the time. Now this morning DS called and wondered what Grandma said, I kept trying to put him off, saying she seemed a little grumpy and I was trying to get in contact with my brother. Now I'm sure his feelings are hurt, he's so proud of the baby and wants to show her off, looks like Grandma doesn't care! Plus my niece, and my mother are fighting so terribly, they can't be together at all. Isn't that just pathetic?? It's just ridiculous! I've tried to protect my kids while they were growing up from my mother's caustic personality, but sometimes, there's just nothing I can do. Heaven protect us all from mean-spirited, selfish bitter old women and help us not become one!!!!!!!.........TJ

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Avatar for brenner129
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:21pm
Amen, TJ
Bren
Avatar for quite_contrary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:52pm
awwww TJ that is sad. I am sorry to hear that your mother is difficult. If she had put it another way I am sure the young people would have been happy to take her out and treat her to a meal. I guess she will be the one missing out on the sweetest pleasures in life, doing for the ones you love and love you. Cheer up I am sure your kids probably got granny's number a long time ago. Did you get my email? MM
Avatar for emty_nstr
Community Leader
Registered: 05-25-1999
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 2:31pm
10-4 on not ending up like that.

But I have known people like that and I usually tell people, take the grandbaby to see grandma, for 5-7 min. Leave even if the old gal says something nasty. Someday.....not right now, but someday, you will think it was worth every chance you gave her. And I always told my kids just because someone is acting like an A** don't mean that you have to act that way. Just get in and out before the old gal has a chance to holler much and smile to yourself as you walk away.....

I know it is hard sometimes.....

I always think of the child that is living closest to the old parent the far away ones come and visit for a short time and wonder with you there why you aren't taking better care of her. When probably you spend more time catering to them than you did your kids..But if there is a dime left after the funeral all those who did nothing will be standing there with their hand out....you get nothing but and it is awful to say.....but relief.....Janet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 3:35pm
Oh TJ. My heart aches for you and your children and their babies. How well I know and understand that scenario. The hardest thing is to remember that it's NOTHING you or they did - it is her!! But, knowing that and understanding it in your head doesn't ease the hurt in your heart. Your son is so very lucky that you broke the cycle. Bless you and your lucky family. Hold tight, hang on and do the best you can to help them understnad that it's her loss more than it's theirs - they have you!!!!!

God bless and email me if you want to talk more. there are a few of us who understand all too well.

hugs

JJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-1999
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 5:31pm
Sorry you are going through this, TJ. The only thing you can do is resolve never to be like that yourself. I don't understand the bitterness that some people have when they get older. They must be very unhappy souls. Hugs to you.....BB
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 7:25pm
TJ,

you are not alone in this scenario. One thing that I learned as an adult, is that my parents are flawed people, just as I am. I think that that is the hardest thing in the world to come to grips with as we become adult children. I,like you, pray that I have my mother's wonderful qualities, and I go out of my way to avoid exhibiting some of her not so good ones. Your mother's children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren will find ways to deal with their relationship with your mother. Don't worry. Take care of yourself, Jane. We are all here for you.


Dannie

 

             

Avatar for krsecond3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 11:12pm
I don't understand why DS and his family would even want to stay at Grandma's if they know her moods. If Grandma doesn't want to go out to eat with the family, then why not the family bring the meal to Grandma? And then, you could visit her for a couple of hours and be on you way to your brother's. I hope this can be resolved and you can enjoy the weekend. Kathey
Kathey
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 11:30pm
AMEN! I WILL DRINK TO THAT! WE HAVE A GRUMPY OLD PERSON IN OUR FAMILY TOO AND I WOULD LOVE TO WRAP MY FINGERS AROUND HER SQUINTY LITTLE NECK AND SQUEEZE UNTIL HER EYE BALLS POP OUT. But then that we make me like her so I don't? I usually just smile and tell her "thank you for sharing that" a walk away.

My heart goes out to you big time! Good Luck!

Aloha,

Leilani

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 12:59am
Oh TJ, I'm so sorry you're having to face such hurtful words from your mother. Sometimes our parents set very good examples of how to *not* treat others. I'm sure it must hurt more when it effects your DS and his little family too. I'll say a prayer that your mother softens her hardened heart over this and will be looking forward to seeing them....Susie

Hugs,

..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2002
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 5:37am
Understand your feelings TJ, I guess we all have someone like that within the circle of our family and one thing it does seem to do, is make us resolve never to be like that ourselves. I always feel these must be basically unhappy people to begin with and in my opinion they wind up missing out on so much.

When my kids encounter difficult family members (in one instance...its their father)I tell them to look at the relationship and decide what they want from it and then just try to ignore the behavior of the individual involved. My ex-never visits his kids..even the one who lives 15 minutes away but expects them to visit him...this weekend my daughter graduated from college after going back after 15 years, as I sat there and watched her receive her diploma I said to my sister...her father doesn't even know she's graduating..when my sister said that's really sad...but my daughter felt he's hasn't shown any interest in her life, why include him. My daughter in NC has been there for almost ten years and her father has never visited her home..it use to really upset her now she doesn't let it bother her. I've told her he doesn't even visit your sister and she's fifteen minutes away.

When the kids who live out of state come home to visit, they can be her for a week or more..they always stay with me and they usually take a day and visit their father..their feelings at this point are that they spend time and visit with the people who visit them and show an interest in their lives...they have all spend so much time trying to include him, calling him, asking him to visit but he always had an excuse so now they just don't bother anymore.

Your DS and his family will have to do the same...visit your brother and niece enjoy their company and just don't take your mother's behavior personally...its not them..its her. He has you and the rest of the family, who love him and care and are happy to see him and his family..

I can't imagine ever being like that and I'm sure you never will be either. I hope they enjoy their trip and can ignore your moms attitude.

Val









                                      

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