SELFISH BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
SELFISH BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!
5
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 12:58pm
I have all these yucky thoughts right now! ;O(

DH and I wanted to visit a couple who recently had a baby (about 3 mos) so we called and arranged a date. I was a little worried that I would feel a little bad seeing the baby since we've been TTC #1 for over a year now. But we're thrilled for them, they had a m/c before this baby and they're dear friends. I thought it would be nice to just sit quietly and hold the baby and chat with her about her c-section and recovery and the experience of new motherhood, etc.

Then husband emails DH and says, "Hey, I've invited Dick & Jane too!" Great. This couple has 3 girls, one a little over a year. They were at the baby shower for this couple who we planned to visit and the wife was telling me they were considering another baby. She got PG a month later. So now there's a new baby and a PG in front of me. Then, Dick & Jane suggest we all meet at their house. Fine. Whatever. "And I'm gonna email Tom and Harry too!" These guys are both married with kids. So now it's turned into this big 'ol group event.

You know all the girls will go to one end, all the men to another. All the ladies will be asking the new mommy about her experience then they'll all start discussing their pregnancies and deliveries and I'll be sitting there feeling like total %$#@.

All I wanted was a quiet visit with the new baby. I feel bad for feeling so down and angry but I can't help it. And I can't not go DH is really excited to see everyone and they really are all our good friends and they know we've been trying but don't know how upset I am about not being PG yet and I don't feel like having a group discussion. I did communicate to DH how I felt but told him not to worry I'd put on a brave face and go and it would be fine. I'll have my pity party by myself on Sunday when he's a work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 1:11pm
Hey Susan,

I totally know how you feel. We have two sets of friends who also have infants, and they are all ttc again. They don't know we are also ttc though. It is hard to be around them while they talk about their babies and future ones. I would probably join in the talk too, but I don't know how much longer this is going to take, and it bothers me how they just assume it is going to happen, I thought that also, and I'm on month 5. But I don't think you are out of line at all in how you are feeling. I would be very jealos and feeling a little sorry for myself also. But like your dh said, brave face and chin up! That is about all you can do when you are around that. It is definately hard while you are sitting around talking about pregancy, delivery and babies and you can't join in the conversation. Actually I think that is a bit rude,(especially if they know you have been ttc for over a year). Hopefully they will make you feel comfortable and welcome and not only talk about that stuff. Just keep in your head that it WILL happen for you, and think how sweet it will be when it does happen for you. Then you will get to listen to unsolicited advice! But I'm sure you won't mind, now will you?? Try to enjoy yourself though. I hope you have fun!

Stacy

ttc#2,C5,CD6
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker
Avatar for craveababe
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 2:37pm
UGH!! WHAT A DANG NIGHTMARE! I'm sorry you're in such an awful position! Can't you fake a stomach virus? I'm trying to fake sick to get out of a baby shower this Sunday-I just don't need to be around that right now. Thing is-I really like this girl and her husband is just about a relative-i've known him all my life. I don't know what to tell you, girl. I can't possibly sit through an evening with the "Mommies". I would cry in front of them. But don't be like me, put on your bravest face and suck it up for DH because it obviously means a lot to him. Good luck, and BFP vibes to you this cycle.

Just remember this: when it comes to this board-it's not being selfish. This is the only place I'm allowed to be like this, no one holds judgement because we're all in the same boat!

LOLove,

Danielle, 28, TTC#1, C10, CD29, almost onto C11, HSG performed C10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 2:38pm
I can understand how you feel! My situation has been being around my family -- older bros and sisters that all started families before I was even married. Once I was married they all started asking WHEN it would be for me! I think that is when I got a little paranoid and dreading family get togethers. We weren't even TTC so I felt like saying "Lay off!" (but I held my tounge and endured it). People can be pretty insensitive about a very private matter.

amy

TTC#1 (gosh won't my family be surprised when it does happen!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 3:29pm
I hate to say this, but... THANK GOD you feel this way too! I often feel this way! Women go off to their corner and talk about the "cult of motherhood," while guys get to chug beers and talk sports. Why can't women just talk about something else?!?! =)

But you and I are probably from the same camp... we dread these things, but we'll still go. Just hold your chin up and hang in there.

When my DH and I arrange these types of friendly get-togethers, we now agree on a "check-back time." We'll find a way to break away from the segregated-sex environment so he can find out if I'm doing okay with all the kids and pg people, or if I need a break. If I need a break... we make an excuse for leaving early. If I'm tolerating everything okay or enjoying myself, we stay.

Oh - and I don't agree with your "selfish" self-assessment. You're just feeling the same thing as anyone else in your shoes would feel!

Tami
Mommy to Anna 7.7.04 & Ben 11.19.06

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 6:36pm
Aw, you guys make me feel so much better! Thanks, and perhaps I AM being a little hard on myself and maybe it isn't so selfish of me. I was reading the replies you all gave, to DH right now and he thought it was really neat that I get to communicate these thoughts and have such a great support group. Even earlier when we spoke about the party he said, "I understand and we don't have to go if you don't want too." But I said, no way. We're going, we can't ruin the excitement of the new baby's coming out party and the mommy and daddy are really dear friends of ours and that just wouldn't be kind to do to them. And honestly, it's not even so much the new baby, who can't look at a new baby and not smile, even if you're dying for one yourself. I'm dreading the conversation part. But he liked the suggestion of meeting up a few times throughout the party to see how things are going and said, "Honey, you just say the word and we'll take off." I feel so much better now, to have a loving, understanding guy and this group of wonderful, supportive and understanding women. You've all turned my day around and I thank you and will continue to pray for BFP's for all of you! Thank you and I hope you all have a spectacular weekend.

PS, I may forgo the pity party on Sunday and go shopping for drapes and new accessories for our just-painted, just-carpeted bedroom! See what magic you girls can work!? :o)

Susan