Big change of plans to TTC ...
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Big change of plans to TTC ...
| Wed, 07-30-2003 - 5:22pm |
Dh and I are having a few problems ... every argument/disagreement ... he gets REALLY mad and tells me, "then I don't want another baby". I do not throw things in his face, or bring up the past. Most things we argue about are his fault because he is not as attentive to me as I need him to be. you know what I mean ... the "typical" male. And I know he has it in him because when HE wants something ... he is attentive and kind and helpful.
So, my thinking is that he uses the "then I don't want another baby" because he really doesn't. I am extremely confused about the whole thing, because one day he is all gung-ho and the next he doesn't want any part of it. July was HIS choice to TTC. It is wearing me thin and I am sick of getting hurt by this game.
The bottom line is that I cannot be on hormone birth control because I get severely depressed and he refuses to use condoms. If he ever even gets sex again ... he will just have to take a chance on me getting pregnant and deal with it then. I love him very much ... and do not plan on leaving. I guess we will both have to live with my decision and consequences of it or what happens.
Any thoughts?
Yvonne

Maybe you could (if you haven't already) sit down when you're both not angry and have a really calm, rational discussion about the whole thing. Tell him you need to know what her really wants, not what he says he does or doesn't want in the heat of battle.
If all else fails, have you considered counselling? You sound committed to your marriage and to your husband, so it might be a good idea. Sometimes all you need is an impartial outsider to help you see things -- and each other -- differently.
When my DH and I were engaged we went to a marriage course (we had to because I'm Catholic, but we both wanted to anyway). It was really good. We learned better ways to argue (which sounds funny, but anyone who's married knows that NOT arguing is a lot worse than arguing because it probably means you're holding stuff inside and letting it fester).
For one thing, they pointed out that people have a tendency to say, "You always..." or "You never..." when they argue, which is just adding fuel to the fire. It's a sweeping generalization and makes the other person feel defensive and guilty.
They said you should always turn it around and say, "When you do A, it makes me feel B..." or "When you say A, I think you're saying -- or I hear -- B" That way they can get a better understanding how you feel -- and therefore why you've reacted the way you are. So instead of an accusation, they hear something on an emotional level that hopefully they can relate to.
It's hard to remember, but we try really hard because we've both been guilty of the dreaded, "You always..." or "You never...".
Anyway, I hope you have a chance to sit down and have a really good heart to heart with your DH. Maybe he's scared about having a second child, or about getting older, or about money -- who knows. I hope he'll open up to you so you can sort everything out.
Best of luck, and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Kristin
TTC #1
I am going to quote you here ...
>>They said you should always turn it around and say, "When you do A, it makes me feel B..." or "When you say A, I think you're saying -- or I hear -- B" That way they can get a better understanding how you feel -- and therefore why you've reacted the way you are. So instead of an accusation, they hear something on an emotional level that hopefully they can relate to. <<
That is EXACTLY what I do ... I just have to get DH doing it.
We did discuss it yesterday ... and he said he does do it to hurt me because that is the only thing he has on me. I am very good at choosing my words and I am conscious of making DH feel special and good about himself, our marriage, his capabilities as a father, etc. Because he deserves it.
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Yvonne
I admire your courage and your ability to put aside what you want right now to focus on your marriage. You're smart and strong and I wish you lots and lots of luck.
(((HUGS)))
Kristin
Just want to put my two cents in.....We also learned in couseling that in the heat of an argument if it feels good to say it, you should not say it. Although venting is good for a marriage, there are hurtful ways to vent and that is one of them.
Good luck to you.
Logan