Am I nuts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Am I nuts?
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 10:00pm


Had a difficult childhood. Decided not to have kids. I remember the moment that I decided that, I was 15 years old. Then had MIL difficulties to boot.

I went to counseling over the MIL problems. My counselor basically agreed that MIL was an old hag and the only way out of the problem was to remain no contact with her and wait for her to die. MIL died a little over a year ago.

Back to the childhood part. A while after I left counseling over MIL but before she died, my Mother flew off the handle at my Dad for something really stupid. I went back to my counselor. I had not discussed Mom with her very much, but she had said that Mom was not normal either. Counselor hypothesized that Mom has Borderline Personality Disorder and gave me some books to read. Those books were about my Mother. Many things that I did not mention to my counselor were there in black and white.

I have been working my way through childhood issues on a board for children of BPD moms. I realize that my decision at the time to not have children was the correct one. I was afraid of inflicting the kind of pain and unhappiness on a child that I had grown up with. I always felt like if the time was ever right for me to have a child, I would get the urge and want one right away.

Today, that moment came. I was thinking about how my life would have been different if I had been raised in a normal, non-abusive family. I would have had children. My sister has three wonderful sons who I adore, ages ranging from 10 to 18. They are pretty normal kids, they have their ups and downs. One has learning problems, another is an athlete.... Pretty normal family.

I started crying on the way home thinking that I was robbed of a happy childhood and that I was robbed of mother hood.

Then I started thinking, "What if I just go off of the pill and see what happens?" Kind of like that woman on TV with the 100 kids, "put it in God's hands", but just for one kid, not for umpteen million.

The reason that I ask "am I crazy"? My age. I am finally emotionally ready to have kids. MIL is no longer a problem. I've dealt with my abusive past and I know that I can overcome that. I really have no interest in adopting, though. The reason that I ask "Am I crazy"? I am just a couple months shy of being 50 49*. Older than most of you, maybe all of you. My husband is 52 and does have some medical issues - an autoimmune disease called Sarcoidosis. It goes in and out of remission. Some people live with it just fine, it goes away and never comes back. His seems to come back every few years. It was complications of Sarcoidosis that Bernie Mac and Reggie White died from, but most people with this disease die from other causes.

* Was thinking ahead of typing. I'll be 49 in less than two months, which means that if I did conceive, I would very likely be 50 by the time I gave birth... unless it happened very quickly.

So should I do it? Not actively try to get pregnant, but go off the pill, take good physical care of myself and take what happens? Or is it just plain too risky?

Edited 6/1/2010 10:04 pm ET by susileo

Edited 6/1/2010 10:37 pm ET by susileo

Edited 6/1/2010 10:39 pm ET by susileo
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
In reply to: susileo
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 10:08pm
Well Susileo, I say follow your heart and you just never know.


Susan V

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
In reply to: susileo
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 10:23am
Thanks for posting, Susileo. Sorry you've had such a rough time of things. My childhood was no walk in the park, either, which probably factored into my delaying TTC until my very late 30s (after years of therapy!). As Susan V. said, getting pregnant naturally at your age will be difficult. Donor eggs are certainly an option; some of our board members have had lots of success with that method. Wishing you the best with your decision -- KUP!

Susan CB

TTC #1 at age (gulp) 42

June 2008: m/c

April 2010: IVF #1 -- chemical pregnancy

June 2010: starting IVF #2 with microflare protocol

Susan CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
In reply to: susileo
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 11:19pm

Thanks, to two Susan's from another Susan!

I won't be trying anything other than a natural child, if that even. Discussed this with a friend at work today. She and I are within two months of the same age. Friend has an adopted 2 year old as a single parent and is only a couple months older than me, same age at our ages! She tried artificial insemination six or eight years ago, but then decided to adopt.

She described what I am considering as the same thing that she and her fiance are doing:

Not trying, but not trying not to either.

Wouldn't it be wild, however unlikely if we both ended up having children at the same time! Between both being 49 and with the "limited" activity that we have since we aren't actively trying, pretty unlikely, but we would enjoy it.

I have not decided yet, but if I do anything, I'll just go off the pill and take what I do or don't get. Not trying to conceive, but not trying not to conceive either, but maybe deep down hoping for it...and accepting what's meant to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
In reply to: susileo
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 1:25am

Hi Susan and welcome! First of all, let me say that I agree that you should follow your heart. I also agree that it can be very difficult the older you get (I am 45) but it does still happen without any intervention, just not very often.

I also think that in order to TTC over 40 you have to be just a little nuts, as it is not an easy journey to embark on. Being nuts helps you get through it! Lol! Seriously though, with the exception of your friend, anyone else will tell you that you are crazy to be thinking such things. I doubt you will find that from any of the ladies here. If we really felt that way, we wouldn't be here ourselves. :-)

Let me also warn you, it is hard to just see what happens, the more you think about it being a possibility, the more you start to think about it the rest of the time. We are being a little more intentional about it but we are not doing anything special to help things along. What will be will be. For ourselves we have chosen to go on meds when my system refused to ovulate on its own, but otherwise we have mostly just let things happen naturally. The only real exception was when I used clomid for a few months a year ago in an effort to help improve egg quality. Not sure it did anything that way, all I know is that it did not result in a bfp!

I hope you are able to come to a clear understanding of what you want to do, what decision you will be most happy and comfortable with. Everyone's journey is very personal, but whatever path you decide on the ladies here are a great support.


Loving Mom to three


Loving Mom to three rambunctious 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: susileo
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 3:17am


I agree that you should follow your heart, even if the statistics don't look enthusiastic.