Am I nuts?
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|Tue, 06-01-2010 - 10:00pm|
Had a difficult childhood. Decided not to have kids. I remember the moment that I decided that, I was 15 years old. Then had MIL difficulties to boot.
I went to counseling over the MIL problems. My counselor basically agreed that MIL was an old hag and the only way out of the problem was to remain no contact with her and wait for her to die. MIL died a little over a year ago.
Back to the childhood part. A while after I left counseling over MIL but before she died, my Mother flew off the handle at my Dad for something really stupid. I went back to my counselor. I had not discussed Mom with her very much, but she had said that Mom was not normal either. Counselor hypothesized that Mom has Borderline Personality Disorder and gave me some books to read. Those books were about my Mother. Many things that I did not mention to my counselor were there in black and white.
I have been working my way through childhood issues on a board for children of BPD moms. I realize that my decision at the time to not have children was the correct one. I was afraid of inflicting the kind of pain and unhappiness on a child that I had grown up with. I always felt like if the time was ever right for me to have a child, I would get the urge and want one right away.
Today, that moment came. I was thinking about how my life would have been different if I had been raised in a normal, non-abusive family. I would have had children. My sister has three wonderful sons who I adore, ages ranging from 10 to 18. They are pretty normal kids, they have their ups and downs. One has learning problems, another is an athlete.... Pretty normal family.
I started crying on the way home thinking that I was robbed of a happy childhood and that I was robbed of mother hood.
Then I started thinking, "What if I just go off of the pill and see what happens?" Kind of like that woman on TV with the 100 kids, "put it in God's hands", but just for one kid, not for umpteen million.
The reason that I ask "am I crazy"? My age. I am finally emotionally ready to have kids. MIL is no longer a problem. I've dealt with my abusive past and I know that I can overcome that. I really have no interest in adopting, though. The reason that I ask "Am I crazy"? I am just a couple months shy of being 50 49*. Older than most of you, maybe all of you. My husband is 52 and does have some medical issues - an autoimmune disease called Sarcoidosis. It goes in and out of remission. Some people live with it just fine, it goes away and never comes back. His seems to come back every few years. It was complications of Sarcoidosis that Bernie Mac and Reggie White died from, but most people with this disease die from other causes.
* Was thinking ahead of typing. I'll be 49 in less than two months, which means that if I did conceive, I would very likely be 50 by the time I gave birth... unless it happened very quickly.
So should I do it? Not actively try to get pregnant, but go off the pill, take good physical care of myself and take what happens? Or is it just plain too risky?
Edited 6/1/2010 10:04 pm ET by susileo
Edited 6/1/2010 10:37 pm ET by susileo
Edited 6/1/2010 10:39 pm ET by susileo