Stay at home Moms are bad!!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Stay at home Moms are bad!!?
89
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:23pm
This is the kind of crap that I'm talking about when I say our country is falling apart.

How in the world this woman makes these statements and believes them is amazing.

Oh and here are her qualifications:

"Ritter is director of the Center for Women's and Gender Studies at UT and an associate professor of government and women studies."

Want to bet whether she is on the left or the right?

***********************************************************

Ritter: The messages we send when moms stay home

By Gretchen Ritter

'Well, I could have just stayed home and baked cookies." In the firestorm that followed her comment, Hillary Rodham Clinton learned that you should never deny the virtues of stay-at-home motherhood.

Nowadays, the candidates' wives prove their maternal merit by competing in a cookie cook-off every four years. In the decade or so since this line was uttered, women's rights advocates have grown silent on the topic of motherhood. Few dare to criticize the new stay-at-home mom movement recently discussed on this page in the Austin American-Statesman.

It is time to have an honest conversation about what is lost when women stay home. In a nation devoted to motherhood and apple pie, what could possibly be wrong with staying home to care for your children?

Several things, I think.

It denies men the chance to be involved fathers. This is a loss for them and a loss for their children. What does it mean when fathers are denied the opportunity to nurture their kids in ways that are as important as their work? What do the children miss when they don't have fathers changing their diapers, picking them up from school, coaching soccer, making breakfast or dinner and doing homework with them? On both sides, the answer is too much.

Women who stay at home also lose out — they lose a chance to contribute as professionals and community activists. Parenting is an important social contribution. But we need women in medicine, law, education, politics and the arts. It is not selfish to want to give your talents to the broader community — it is an important part of citizenship to do so, and it is something we should expect of everyone.

Full-time mothering is also bad for children. It teaches them that the world is divided by gender. This sends the wrong message to our sons and daughters. I do not want our girls to grow up thinking they must marry and have children to be successful, or that you can only be a good mother if you give up your work.

Nor do I want boys to think that caring for families is women's work and making money is men's work. Our sons and daughters should grow up thinking that raising and providing for a family is a joint enterprise among all the adults in the family.

The new stay-at-home motherhood movement parallels the movement to create the "perfect" child. It's not just that mothers are home with their children; they are engaged with their children constantly so they will "develop" properly. Many middle-class parents demand too much of their children. We enroll them in soccer, religious classes, dance, art, piano, French lessons, etc., placing them on the quest for continuous self-improvement.

Many of these youngsters end up stressed out. Children should think it is all right to just hang out and be kids sometimes. They should learn that parents have interests separate from their lives as parents. And we should all learn that mothers are not fully responsible for who their children become — so are fathers, neighbors, friends, the extended family and children themselves.

Finally, the stay-at-home mother movement is bad for society. It tells employers that women who marry and have children are at risk of withdrawing from their careers, and that men who marry and have children will remain fully focused on their careers, regardless of family demands. Both lessons reinforce sex discrimination.

This movement also privileges certain kinds of families, making it harder for others. The more stay-at-home mothers there are, the more schools and libraries will neglect the needs of working parents, and the more professional mothers, single mothers, working-class mothers and lesbian mothers will feel judged for their failure to be in a traditional family and stay home their children.

By creating an expectation that mothers could and should stay home, we lose sight of the fact that most parents do work — and that they need affordable, high quality child care, after-school enrichment programs and family leave policies that allow mothers and fathers to nurture their children without giving up work.

Raising children is one of the most demanding and rewarding of jobs. It is also a job that should be shared, between parents and within communities, for the sake of us all.

Ritter is director of the Center for Women's and Gender Studies at UT and an associate professor of government and women studies.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:58pm
All I can do is feel sorry for this woman ... she's incredibly close-minded. I know as a child (especially in junior high) I was stressed out, but it's for the opposite reason she states. I hated going home to an empty house after school. My mom certainly didn't want to have to work until I was old enough to go to college, but there was no way around it. I have no children yet, but when I do, I certainly hope I'll be able to be home for them.

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:15pm
That's absurd!!!

I am a new stay at home mom and I think it is the greatest gift you can give a child if you can.... I have no problem having my husband stay home. Financially, if i made more then him (ha ha ha) then I would have continued to work.... My son is 10 months old and I wouldn't have changed this situation for anything... I worked on Wall St. in a very lucrative position since 1987 and I gave it up easily to be with my son.... The rewards are endless.... I am contributing to society everyday by taking the time to raise a well-adjusted well-rounded little boy.... The possibilities for him are endless..... I can always go back to work or perhaps I will find other important ways to contribute to my family as well as the world. I never thought I'd have children and had no pre-conceived ideas of what would be right or wrong if I did.....

My husband plays an important role in raising our son.. He interacts with him everyday and does all of the same things that i do... He reinforces what I teach all day.... I come from a working, single parent home and I can honestly say that there are pros and cons to both sides.... Many of my friends have to have two incomes to survive and others simply wanted to keep working......Their children are not any different then mine....

Having an opinion is fine, but to say the things that she has said is just crazy talk.... My husband and I share the duties of caring for our son.... He works, cleans, cooks and interacts with our child as often as possible... All of this he does on his own... We have an open and fair relationship... We value each other as people first and then husband and wife and then parents... Maybe we are the weird ones or maybe we are just super lucky.... Either way, I wouldn't change any of it.... Each situation is unique and I truly believe that everyone has to tailor a plan that suits their family's needs.... We have lost sight as a country as to the importance of people.... The focus is on money..... Look how well that's worked out so far!!!!!

Anyone questioning their parenting skills has to work that out for themselves.... Those doubts can only be answered by you and your family..... Finding balance in life with or without children is very challenging..... Be honest and true to yourself and that's as good of a start as you can get...

Monica

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:02pm
I get roughly 3 - 4 hours an evening with my youngest child, that's what a workday and commute in DC will get you. I'd give anything to be able to Stay at home parent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:28pm
She should discuss her views with T. Berry Brazelton, William Sears, Dr. Spock and a plethora of researchers on the subject who have concluded that children do best in a home with a stay at home parent. I could drive a semi through the holes in Gretchen's story:

1. It denies fathers the chance to be involved in their kids' lives. Actually, just the opposite is true. If the SAHM is able to arrange for the running of the household (errands, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.) during the day, there is more time in the evenings and on weekends for the family to relax and enjoy each other. When I worked FT, dh and I spent most of the nights and weekends doing chores. Now I do most of it during the day, and we can have fun when he's not at work.

2. SAHMS are being selfish by not contributing to the society at large. I am a SAHM who also works as a freelance writer, who volunteers for the Cub Scouts and my son's school, who has served as an ordained elder and deacon in the church, who runs Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter food drives for our Community Food bank. To suggest that I am "selfish" for wanting to be here for my kids, and for wanting to contribute in the way that *I* see fit, rather than the way Gretchen and the Feminists say I should, is abhorrent.

3. SAHMs reinforce sexually discriminatory stereotypes. Most of the Feminists of the '60s and '70s were raised by SAHMs, and most of the new wave of SAHMs were raised by feminists of the '60s and '70s. Go figure.

4. Bad for society??? So, I should go out and get a job, put my kids in stranger day care for 10-12 hours a day which will cost half my salary, give another 30% of my salary to the govt in taxes, spend more money on food, clothes, commuting, etc., barely break even and complicate my family's life so that GRETCHEN will feel better about the state of our society?

See, Feminism is all about choice -- as long as you choose abortion, lesbianism or corporate ladder climbing. Choose something traditional, even if it's YOUR choice and it makes YOU and YOUR family happy, at your own peril.

I must admit, I could not fathom why on EARTH Dick Cheney would say what he said to Sen. Leahy. But suddenly, I have an incredible urge to swear.

What a JERK.

Avatar for baileyhouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:57pm
First let me say I do not agree with the writer of this OP, but I have heard/read plenty of derogatory comments about working Mothers also. To each his own I say.

What ever is best for your family. Personally I don't think I could ever be a SAHM. I have been working since I was 16y/o, full time for about the last 18 years. My gosh daytime TV alone would make me go insane or at least kill a few brain cells. Editorals/Writers like this just free thinking intelligent women a bad wrap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:59pm
Now that the most ridiculous article I've read in a long time. Obviously this person knows nothing about SAHM's and about what they do. I wonder if she even is a parent? She seems pretty clueless to me.

Just a couple of points I have to speak up about...

She keeps mentioning, "It denies men the chance to be involved fathers." That doesn't make any sense. Fathers are still/should be involved with every aspect of parenting. Except for pregnancy and breastfeeding, dads can do everything that moms do. Many dads who have a SAHM for a wife take over the child rearing when they get home from work since the mom has been doing it all day and is burned out.

She says, "Women who stay at home also lose out — they lose a chance to contribute as professionals and community activists." A women doesn't have to be employed to make a contribution to society! I know many SAHM's who are VERY involved in their communities, schools, doing volunteer work for various causes, staying current with their job skills by taking classes and going to professional meetings, etc. And most moms only stay home for a few years--they have the rest of their lives to be a "contributing professional".

I'm a mother to three children. I stayed home full-time for a total of over 6 yrs. I don't regret it at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:59pm
Aha! Now here's a topic that I really get passionate about! I am a stay at home mom, and I sure am going to have fun putting my two cents in here...

"It denies men the chance to be involved fathers. This is a loss for them and a loss for their children. What does it mean when fathers are denied the opportunity to nurture their kids in ways that are as important as their work? What do the children miss when they don't have fathers changing their diapers, picking them up from school, coaching soccer, making breakfast or dinner and doing homework with them? On both sides, the answer is too much."

This is complete hogwash! The "modern" fathers of today, from my seat, seem to strive to take an active roll in their childrens' lives whether the mother is at home or not! The myth that it isn't "manly" to change your kid's diaper or cook them breakfast has been debunked, and it shows. With the exception of father's who have no interest in their kids lives, dads are taking an active role, no matter if both parents work or not.

"Women who stay at home also lose out — they lose a chance to contribute as professionals and community activists. Parenting is an important social contribution. But we need women in medicine, law, education, politics and the arts. It is not selfish to want to give your talents to the broader community — it is an important part of citizenship to do so, and it is something we should expect of everyone. "

I am 26 years old. I'm earning a degree through distance learning classes at my local U. I have PLENTY of time to persue my career when my children are grown and self sufficient. They're only young once. I'd rather put a career on the back burner now than spend the rest of my years sorry missed out on seeing my kids form into the people they will be while I climb the corporate ladder. Besides, there are plenty of women out there choosing NOT to have children in favor of careers.

"Full-time mothering is also bad for children. It teaches them that the world is divided by gender. This sends the wrong message to our sons and daughters. I do not want our girls to grow up thinking they must marry and have children to be successful, or that you can only be a good mother if you give up your work."

HA! Right now the message I get when I tell people that I'm stay at home is that there is something inherently wrong with me, that I'm hurting the feminists who protested so hard to be viewed as equal. People say "oh" in a very disdainful manner when I say I stay at home. Shame on people for making women feel as if they should be "doing something more."

"Nor do I want boys to think that caring for families is women's work and making money is men's work. Our sons and daughters should grow up thinking that raising and providing for a family is a joint enterprise among all the adults in the family. "

There are enough women in today's work force to get across the message that nothing any more is "mens" or "womens" work. Plenty of dads are staying home now too. But I don't think there's anything wrong with proving to your kids that you are dedicated to raising them. (This meaning that many people who can manage without two incomes in the family do, so that their children have a parent home with them...sacraficing extra money because their kids are more important).

"The new stay-at-home motherhood movement parallels the movement to create the "perfect" child. It's not just that mothers are home with their children; they are engaged with their children constantly so they will "develop" properly. Many middle-class parents demand too much of their children. We enroll them in soccer, religious classes, dance, art, piano, French lessons, etc., placing them on the quest for continuous self-improvement."

While I agree that sometimes some parents may go overboard with the engagement of children, I'm pretty staunch of introducing my kids to different things and keeping them engaged, and I have a 4 year old with a very prolific vocabulary, who counts to 50, who speaks spanish, who reads...and you know what...we still have time to just go outside on the swingset and swing, or play in the sandbox too...Shame on me, I guess, for wanting to encourage the pattern of learning when she's young and is most impressionable for the future!


"Finally, the stay-at-home mother movement is bad for society. It tells employers that women who marry and have children are at risk of withdrawing from their careers, and that men who marry and have children will remain fully focused on their careers, regardless of family demands. Both lessons reinforce sex discrimination."

OMG...this is just too much! I also happen to know of another new type of stay at home mom....the work at home mom...those who telecommute, who shape their work hours around their children....we (being females) still continue to prove that we try to do it all!

And some where in this pile of crap I saw something about children knowing that their parents have seperate interests....just because a parent stays home does not mean that they give up their interests. In my house we have reading time, and everyone reads their own book...just one example how I eek in some time for me, while being a parent. Man, oh, man, how I am destroying my children!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 6:04pm
" My gosh daytime TV alone would make me go insane or at least kill a few brain cells. Editorals/Writers like this just free thinking intelligent women a bad wrap."

But you just indulged a stereotype that if you're a SAHM you're watching day time tv. A lot of SAHMs I know are so hands on with their kids, there's no time for soaps or trash tv. The only tv I watch during the day is sesamee street or blues clues. The rest of the time is spent keeping the house, playing with my kids and working on my novel or studying when the kids are napping.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:25pm
Nice stereotype, there. "Daytime TV alone would make me go insane..."

Oh, please.

I live in a fairly affluent town, where the vast majority of mothers of school-aged children are SAHMs. I am active in the PTO, and in my community, and I know many of these women personally. They don't watch daytime TV.

I have been a FT WOHM, a PT WOHM, a FT WAHM, and now a PT WAHM. The transitions I've made over the past ten years have been made with one simple goal in mind: what's best for my family and my kids. Daytime TV isn't part of that equation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:24pm
SAHM's don't ever get a chance to watch any adults shows, LOL. The TV is always on PBS Kids, Noggin, Nick Jr, Disney, etc., and moms are too busy just trying to keep up with the kids and the endless work they create. Have you ever tried concentrating on a TV show with little ones around, LOL?!

Pages