Stay at home Moms are bad!!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Stay at home Moms are bad!!?
89
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:23pm
This is the kind of crap that I'm talking about when I say our country is falling apart.

How in the world this woman makes these statements and believes them is amazing.

Oh and here are her qualifications:

"Ritter is director of the Center for Women's and Gender Studies at UT and an associate professor of government and women studies."

Want to bet whether she is on the left or the right?

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Ritter: The messages we send when moms stay home

By Gretchen Ritter

'Well, I could have just stayed home and baked cookies." In the firestorm that followed her comment, Hillary Rodham Clinton learned that you should never deny the virtues of stay-at-home motherhood.

Nowadays, the candidates' wives prove their maternal merit by competing in a cookie cook-off every four years. In the decade or so since this line was uttered, women's rights advocates have grown silent on the topic of motherhood. Few dare to criticize the new stay-at-home mom movement recently discussed on this page in the Austin American-Statesman.

It is time to have an honest conversation about what is lost when women stay home. In a nation devoted to motherhood and apple pie, what could possibly be wrong with staying home to care for your children?

Several things, I think.

It denies men the chance to be involved fathers. This is a loss for them and a loss for their children. What does it mean when fathers are denied the opportunity to nurture their kids in ways that are as important as their work? What do the children miss when they don't have fathers changing their diapers, picking them up from school, coaching soccer, making breakfast or dinner and doing homework with them? On both sides, the answer is too much.

Women who stay at home also lose out — they lose a chance to contribute as professionals and community activists. Parenting is an important social contribution. But we need women in medicine, law, education, politics and the arts. It is not selfish to want to give your talents to the broader community — it is an important part of citizenship to do so, and it is something we should expect of everyone.

Full-time mothering is also bad for children. It teaches them that the world is divided by gender. This sends the wrong message to our sons and daughters. I do not want our girls to grow up thinking they must marry and have children to be successful, or that you can only be a good mother if you give up your work.

Nor do I want boys to think that caring for families is women's work and making money is men's work. Our sons and daughters should grow up thinking that raising and providing for a family is a joint enterprise among all the adults in the family.

The new stay-at-home motherhood movement parallels the movement to create the "perfect" child. It's not just that mothers are home with their children; they are engaged with their children constantly so they will "develop" properly. Many middle-class parents demand too much of their children. We enroll them in soccer, religious classes, dance, art, piano, French lessons, etc., placing them on the quest for continuous self-improvement.

Many of these youngsters end up stressed out. Children should think it is all right to just hang out and be kids sometimes. They should learn that parents have interests separate from their lives as parents. And we should all learn that mothers are not fully responsible for who their children become — so are fathers, neighbors, friends, the extended family and children themselves.

Finally, the stay-at-home mother movement is bad for society. It tells employers that women who marry and have children are at risk of withdrawing from their careers, and that men who marry and have children will remain fully focused on their careers, regardless of family demands. Both lessons reinforce sex discrimination.

This movement also privileges certain kinds of families, making it harder for others. The more stay-at-home mothers there are, the more schools and libraries will neglect the needs of working parents, and the more professional mothers, single mothers, working-class mothers and lesbian mothers will feel judged for their failure to be in a traditional family and stay home their children.

By creating an expectation that mothers could and should stay home, we lose sight of the fact that most parents do work — and that they need affordable, high quality child care, after-school enrichment programs and family leave policies that allow mothers and fathers to nurture their children without giving up work.

Raising children is one of the most demanding and rewarding of jobs. It is also a job that should be shared, between parents and within communities, for the sake of us all.

Ritter is director of the Center for Women's and Gender Studies at UT and an associate professor of government and women studies.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 10:38pm
I have read all the messages and all I have to is .... sorry but I did give birth to my son just to hand him over to strangers to raise him and teach him their values and morals. Also I want to be the one who goes through all his milestones with him. Like I want a caregiver calling me to say "Guess what Aaron just took his first step"! Yeah that's why we have children to let others raise them. If you can't afford children, then why are you having them???????
Avatar for baileyhouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 10:54pm
Ahh it's 20 years ago all over again...Was this little rant meant for the author of the OP that started this thread or to all of the working mothers who posted in it? Amazingly enough my children have morals and values too. Working mothers are not monsters. I was with both of my children whan they first smiled and walked and I took care of them when they were sick. I even managed to raise my first alone until she was 12. Oh yes I'm not only a working Mom, for 10 of the first 12 years of my daughter's life I was the dreaded Single Mom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 11:17pm
What happened 20 years ago?

Anyway, I think that last post was just one person's opinion of why she stays home with her kid(s). It's a narrowminded one, in my view -- but no moreso than the OP article we're discussing.

I found that article most interesting in that it struck me as a feminist hitting the "panic button." There has been a movement in the last decade or two toward staying at home; articles abound in women's magazines and on the Web talking about how to survive on one income, how to start a home based business, etc. etc. As a former WOHM FT and PT who's now a PT WAHM, I obviously read a few of those articles :)

My main problem with the OP article is that it fails to square with the feminist mantra of "choice without guilt." Choose work, but don't feel guilty. Choose abortion, or homosexuality, and don't feel guilty! But now, as more and more women are choosing their homes and families over work, out comes the guiltpile. We're ruining society, robbing the community of our potential (to which it has some inalienable right?!), preventing working mothers' kids from having enough resources or clout to demand government programs to care for their children while they work, and excluding our children's fathers from the family equation. It's a disturbing viewpoint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:58am
Well, it's funny I ran across this article. And let me tell you why....

For the past 8 years I have been battling in my mind rather to stay at home or be a career mom. I mean I have literally stressed really hard about this. And my husband has always told me that it is my decision rather I work or not. Well I worked for probably 3 years out of the 8. And was totally miserable when I was at work. There was no satisfaction for me putting hours into a job/career that I didn't care about more than my children and their well being. DO we really know who is raising our kids. People get so caught up in life that they put the kids on the back burner without even realizing.

But even after I quit my job to stay home with my kids, I still felt a guilt. So I talked to my husband about it. And here is what he told me....

There is no job in this world more important than being a stay-at-home mom.

You are the the base commander. And we need that. You run a tight ship and that is important to our kids. You teach them and love them. And when they fall you are the one to pick them up and kiss the boo boo, not some lady at day care who doesn't care as much as you. Because nobody will watch your kid or love your kid as much as the parent. Throwing them out to the wolves is not the answer. Babies/children need their mom or dad at home. The big question is which one? Someone needs to be home to make sure the base is under control. So here I am at home every single day of my little one's lives. And I am so secure with that now. And my children love it too. In this cruel world, I'd like to spend as much time and give them as much true love as they can have. So when they grow up they will do the same for their families. PS I just found out a week ago that I am pregnant with our 3rd child. And I can't wait to stay at home with he or she and raise them. That has got to be a comforting feeling to this child if he or she could understand, wouldn't you say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:26am

I'll infer that your opinion is that SAHMs without preschool kids are somehow less "legit" than those with, because while the kids are in school "all day," what're the moms doing?


ROTFLMAO!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:39am

What are you talking about?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 6:42am
Darn. I will never get the hang of these boards. I should've looked to see exactly which post you were posting to. Sorry!

FYI -- I've been a freelance WAHM since 2001, and I think it's protected me from the economy somewhat. I have a range of clients, and if one closes shop, I just go out and get another. While there is an insecurity of income month-to-month, if you're financially equipped to ride it out (and you have a steady income from another source, like your hubby :) it works pretty well.

I like cooking, too. Can't garden to save my life though.

Avatar for baileyhouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 7:56am
>>I just don't find laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, mopping to be 'fulfilling' in the least. However, I do love to create meals & I love my gardens!)<<

Not my favorite way to spend my freetime either,(something I continue to remind my husband and kids) but I do manage too get it done, plus get to my son's baseball games. I guess there is enough hours in the day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:29am
>>>Everytime I am off work during the week I go crazy looking for something decent to watch<<<


Maybe you could do what some sahm do and plan to do something other than sit channel surfing in the future.


>>so many took such offense<<

nope, didn't take offense, just the statementalluded to the idea that if at home one must get bored and watch tv.


>>>I said before I have taken plenty of slams in the last 20 years for being a "working mother".<<<

I no more support that than those who slam sahm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:39am
>>>Working mothers are not monsters<<<

Nope, my mother was a working mother and my sis and I were very very proud of her.

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