This one needs a lot of work.
I don't know how much work it needs - I "get it" now.
"It is with a strange malice / That I distort the world." -- from The W
Thanks for your comments.
I despise such boards.
I'm so glad I found this board!
I would simply change two punctuation choices.
1. 1st stanza -- delete comma after pink2. last stanza -- comma after returned instead of semicolon
enjoyed your poem excerpt :-)
Don't pay any attention to those self-inflated wannabetyrants who give brutal critiques designed to humiliate without having talent recognized by other editors, publishers, readers, etc. That's why I love this board - critique is actually helpful and friendly. Other than the coments here, one of the kindest, most helpful critiques I have received was in a rejection letter for a few poems I'd submitted to a publication of the Saskatchewan Writer's Guild. The poetry editor for that edition was a local writer whose poems and fiction have been published for many years, in her own books and in anthologies of poetry and short stories, found in bookstores and libraries throughout Canada and probably North America. Although she rejected my poems she explained WHY they would not be included in the publication with brief, insightful, helpful, encouraging comments on each one! That's a real professional, and a classy human being. Don't waste your time feeling discouraged by attacks from people who think they look good if they can tear others down.
As I said earlier, I don't think this poem needs expansion - it says just enough.