I can't do this to myself anymore!!!!

Avatar for emileyw
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I can't do this to myself anymore!!!!
15
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:37pm
When I say "THIS", I mean that I can't lie to myself anymore.

I feel icky! Not sick icky, but icky icky. Just downright crappy. I feel tired. I feel fat. I feel pale. I feel ugly. I feel whiney.

I just need a good swift kick in the can. I WANT to do this, but yet I can't seem to keep my motivation up. Every evening while I wait for DF to come home, I sit and think that tomorrow will be a brand new day. That I'll get up at 5:00 and take an hour-long walk. That I'll eat a small, healthy breakfast. That I'll come to work and have a healthy lunch. That I'll take the stairs on my multiple trips between the floors. That I won't snack excessively during the day. That I'll come home and do my 1/2 hour Pilates tape. That I'll fix a light, healthy dinner. That I'll go to bed early, get up the next morning, and do it all over again.

Then tomorrow comes and reality sets in.

I get up at the last possible minute. I head directly for the shower and leave the house with my hair still damp, feeling like hell because none of my clothes fit anymore. I stop for breakfast somewhere between home and work and eat something carb- and calorie-laden. I get to work, I snack throughout the morning, and then I eat way too much for lunch. I snack through the afternoon, even though I'm not truly hungry, and am in misery for the 2nd half of the day because I feel so hopelessly bloated. I take the elevator between the floors at work. I go home, make something to eat, and plop in front of the TV to eat it. Then I have a dessert or two, also in front of the TV. I'm generally in bed by 10:00, then I get up the next day, and do THIS all over again.

I know I have to stop this vicious cycle. I not only feel generally icky, but I feel a little depression trying to creep back into my life, and that's just not acceptable to me. I've been there before, and it isn't a happy place.

I'm so embarrassed to tell all of you this, but my weight, as of this morning, is back up to 202 lbs. I haven't been this heavy in over a year and a half. Not really a long time, I know, but it's time for me to truly face facts: this isn't getting better. I'm not even maintaining the almost 30 lbs. that I lost. I'm just mindlessly filling my face and my weight is spiralling out of control again.

I see some of you being so successful, and it hurts. Don't get me wrong - I'm extremely happy for those of you who are doing so well and making progress, whether your progress be fast or slow. But I'm sad for me because I just haven't figured it out yet. Why are you finding the motivation and doing what it takes, when I can't seem to do much more than drink my water? Why am I so damn dense?

I should have plenty of motivation. We just lost one of our own dear friends here on the board. I've got a history of heart problems on both sides of my family. That should be the motivation, right?

I just don't know what my problem is with food. I've never been abused, I've never been teased for being fat (my problems with my weight didn't start until about 5 years ago), I'm happy with my fiance and our relationship, I don't have any major negative issues at all. I don't know what in my life is lacking that causes me to turn to food. I've thought and thought about it, but I just can't figure it out.

Anyway, the purpose of this post was for me to own up to myself and to all of you about the reality of where I am today, and for me to make this declaration:

IT STOPS HERE!

I don't want to die young as a result of something that I've done to myself. I don't want to feel like $^!# anymore. I don't want to disgust myself when I look in the mirror. I don't want to feel like I should avoid certain social situations because I can't find anything acceptable to wear. I don't want to look and feel so old.

Right this minute, I'm going to start adhering to those promises that I make myself every night. To exercise every morning, whether I want to sleep in or not. To eat better. To live smarter. To live BETTER. I've got my membership to Weight Watchers online. The program makes sense, so I'm going to use it. For real this time.

Also, from now on, I'm going to be more straightforward with myself. No more denial. No more self-pity. No more "I can't", because I CAN, and if I don't do it now, I might not ever have the chance again.

This is where I stand.

And I love you guys for being here when I need to say these kinds of things.

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Avatar for heidikristen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:49pm
Well... you CAN do it to yourself. If that's what you choose, Emily. I'm not going to try to psychoanalyze your eating habits. Seems to me you're doing a fine job trying to get to the underlying root of your problems. But... what I can do is remind you that what you eat and how you feel is to a great extent your own choice.

Choose to spend some time thinking and planning and dreaming. And then choose to do what you already know is best for you. I think you said it perfectly yourself. Maybe print out your post and fold it and keep it in your pocket all of the time. Pull it out to remind yourself of the line you've drawn in the sand.

In the meantime, we'll be right here to listen, cheer and hand out hankies.

Hugs...

Heidi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:50pm
I know how it feels. The best way to begin again is to start with one little thing you know you can do like drinking enough water. Just do that one thing for a week or so. Once you get that down add in another thing that you think you can manage.

You don't have to jump in and do everything perfect when you start cause it can be overwhelming. If you fall off the wagon give yourself a pep talk and get back on. You only fail when you quit not when you have a bad day!

And I'm one of those people who just can't exercise in the mornings. I can barely eat breakfast in the morning but I've learned to force myself (learned it when I was preg). And drinking any water is out of the question in the morning until about 10am. So some things you have to personalize. Maybe you can make a healthy breakfast and leave it in the fridge so when you get up it's there. Lay your clothes out the night before so when you get up they are ready to go. That way you don't have to get up so early and you may have a bit of time before work. Then drink up that water during the day.

Really you can do this, it's all a matter of believing in yourself and wanting it badly enough. You deserve to be healthy and happy!

Diane (piper3)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:16pm
Emiley,

I can't wait to read your post tomorrow and see all of the success you have. It sounds like you have really drawn a line in the sand and I bet you will see some lifestyle changes as a result. Someone said to me once "Don't quit before the miracle happens" and I believe 100% that it will for all of us if we just don't give up. Maggie

Avatar for emileyw
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:02pm
I needed that, Heidi. Even after being tough on myself, your post was a much needed slap in the face.

I've printed my post and put it in my purse... it's a small purse, so everytime I reach in there, I'll see that piece of paper and remember that the words on it came from me. I've also bookmarked it, so everytime I go to the link for this board, I'll see that link, too.

I really want this.

Thanks!

Avatar for emileyw
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:07pm
Thanks so much for the ideas. Something as simple and obvious as laying my clothes out the night before or making breakfast the night before would never have occurred to me. :)
Avatar for emileyw
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:10pm
It's strange... I feel sort of excited by the prospect that I could finally get this right. I haven't actually felt excited about the idea of doing what I need to do to be healthy in a long time. I know that the feeling will probably wane, but as long as I can keep up the good habits, that's ok.

Thanks for having confidence in me!

Avatar for wendalynnj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:17pm
You've made the all-important first step. You KNOW what you want, you know that you feel awful, so now you have to just do it. It isn't easy, but nobody can do it but you, period. Hopefully you are as ready as you think you are and doing it will become an awesome experience very soon. Until then, you just force your butt into gear. And every time you think about making a choice that doesn't fit into this new life plan of yours just pull that post out and read it and know it isn't worth an extra hour of sleep to feel like crap for the next 16, not to mention the cycle you are perpetuating!

I'm not real good at butt-kicking (goes against my non-confrontational nature, LOL) but it sounds like Heidi already did you good :)

Just make sure you think of every food you look at in terms of Points, that is how I am doing so well on WW online. I am eating grapes right now and I picked them up and the first think I thought was...One point per cup. My bracelet really helps in counting points, I am making them, very pretty, if you are interested you can email me at wendalynn@msn.com but anyway, I count off the points on the bracelet every time I eat so I have a blatant reminder right there on my wrist!

In the morning set that alarm clock and GET UP when it goes off. If you are determined to exercise first thing, you will have to force yourself up every time, but you will feel so much better at work all day long. Do it for just a week and tell yourself if you don't feel better by then you can stop making yourself get up...you WILL feel better, but I think you already know that.

Good luck, Sweetie, I can't wait to hear how awesome you do each day!

Wendy

Avatar for emileyw
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:31pm
Thanks so much for your post - it really did help. And I'm definitely interested in the bracelet, so check your e-mail shortly for one from me!
Avatar for cl_mickie135
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:37pm
Whoohoo Emily You go girl!!! I know how you feel and unfortunately there is no ONE answer, everyone is different and we each have to find for ourselves what food is replacing. You are on the right track now!! Set up some goals and plans and take it one day at a time. I know for me once I start thinking about how far I have to go or how much Ive regained I get down and start eating. You are starting fresh at 202 you have to think of like you were never 30 lbs lighter but that you are starting today and moving forward!!

You can do it!! I know you can and most importantly YOU know you can

Hugs

Mickie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:53pm
Wow what a powerful post....I have to say I feel as if I could have written it to a cerrtain extent...for some reason unknown to me I have been unable to stick with any plan or lose any weight and I constantly sabotage myself without even thinking....UGGHHH.

You've got a good attitude about changing your behavior and you WILL find something that works for you. You say you lost weight before well you WILL do it again....and we will be here to help you along the way!

Goodluck!

Hugs, Kimmy

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