I can't do this to myself anymore!!!!
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:37pm|
I feel icky! Not sick icky, but icky icky. Just downright crappy. I feel tired. I feel fat. I feel pale. I feel ugly. I feel whiney.
I just need a good swift kick in the can. I WANT to do this, but yet I can't seem to keep my motivation up. Every evening while I wait for DF to come home, I sit and think that tomorrow will be a brand new day. That I'll get up at 5:00 and take an hour-long walk. That I'll eat a small, healthy breakfast. That I'll come to work and have a healthy lunch. That I'll take the stairs on my multiple trips between the floors. That I won't snack excessively during the day. That I'll come home and do my 1/2 hour Pilates tape. That I'll fix a light, healthy dinner. That I'll go to bed early, get up the next morning, and do it all over again.
Then tomorrow comes and reality sets in.
I get up at the last possible minute. I head directly for the shower and leave the house with my hair still damp, feeling like hell because none of my clothes fit anymore. I stop for breakfast somewhere between home and work and eat something carb- and calorie-laden. I get to work, I snack throughout the morning, and then I eat way too much for lunch. I snack through the afternoon, even though I'm not truly hungry, and am in misery for the 2nd half of the day because I feel so hopelessly bloated. I take the elevator between the floors at work. I go home, make something to eat, and plop in front of the TV to eat it. Then I have a dessert or two, also in front of the TV. I'm generally in bed by 10:00, then I get up the next day, and do THIS all over again.
I know I have to stop this vicious cycle. I not only feel generally icky, but I feel a little depression trying to creep back into my life, and that's just not acceptable to me. I've been there before, and it isn't a happy place.
I'm so embarrassed to tell all of you this, but my weight, as of this morning, is back up to 202 lbs. I haven't been this heavy in over a year and a half. Not really a long time, I know, but it's time for me to truly face facts: this isn't getting better. I'm not even maintaining the almost 30 lbs. that I lost. I'm just mindlessly filling my face and my weight is spiralling out of control again.
I see some of you being so successful, and it hurts. Don't get me wrong - I'm extremely happy for those of you who are doing so well and making progress, whether your progress be fast or slow. But I'm sad for me because I just haven't figured it out yet. Why are you finding the motivation and doing what it takes, when I can't seem to do much more than drink my water? Why am I so damn dense?
I should have plenty of motivation. We just lost one of our own dear friends here on the board. I've got a history of heart problems on both sides of my family. That should be the motivation, right?
I just don't know what my problem is with food. I've never been abused, I've never been teased for being fat (my problems with my weight didn't start until about 5 years ago), I'm happy with my fiance and our relationship, I don't have any major negative issues at all. I don't know what in my life is lacking that causes me to turn to food. I've thought and thought about it, but I just can't figure it out.
Anyway, the purpose of this post was for me to own up to myself and to all of you about the reality of where I am today, and for me to make this declaration:
IT STOPS HERE!
I don't want to die young as a result of something that I've done to myself. I don't want to feel like $^!# anymore. I don't want to disgust myself when I look in the mirror. I don't want to feel like I should avoid certain social situations because I can't find anything acceptable to wear. I don't want to look and feel so old.
Right this minute, I'm going to start adhering to those promises that I make myself every night. To exercise every morning, whether I want to sleep in or not. To eat better. To live smarter. To live BETTER. I've got my membership to Weight Watchers online. The program makes sense, so I'm going to use it. For real this time.
Also, from now on, I'm going to be more straightforward with myself. No more denial. No more self-pity. No more "I can't", because I CAN, and if I don't do it now, I might not ever have the chance again.
This is where I stand.
And I love you guys for being here when I need to say these kinds of things.