weight and the opposite sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
weight and the opposite sex
30
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 9:35am
Short version- Does you weight affect your sex life? confidence? Is it all your weight or is it more the psychological symptoms?

Why I'm asking this (optional)

Hello! I'm new, so let me give you some background! I am 23. I weighed 238 lbs when I was a sophomore in high school. (age 15 when I started the diet) I lost 126 lbs. in 7 months and was really skinny. I couldn't handle it and started slowly gaining it back. I got up to 219 again and went through various diets in college to try and lose weight, I'd lose and gain 15 lbs at a time, with little real progress. Now I've joined Curves and I am down to 188! This is the lowest I've been since I was on the upswing from HS! But I am being confronted with all sorts of emotional issues. I went to an all girls school and went away 3 weekends a month with my family. I ate because I had no real social life, and no boyfriend, which was a vicious cycle. I was raised by a family who felt that sex and the body were evil and were very strict and religious. They were loving when I was little, but once I got past the age of 12, they had no idea how to handle me, except telling me what not to do. I never learned what TO do. How to hanve friends, deal with boys, etc. I didn't even kiss a boy until I was 18. I always thought it was because of my weight, but I really think it was because i was so insecure and scared of guys and logistically because my parents prevented me from being with anyone but htem on the weekends! And beign in an all girls school during the week, I had no chance. Now I have a boyfriend of almost 2 years, who met me when i was 219 lbs and adored me and worked with me through all the scary things that I had on my soul from my past. I have never felt comfortable with my body around anyone except him. I wish I had realized how beautiful I was then and had been more assertive and gotten what I wanted out of life. But I guess I had to go through that to learn. I am not sure of this makes any sense, but I'm interested in seeing what other people think . . .

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 9:47am

Hello =)

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 11:54am

Sounds like you are on the right track now and found one of the few great guys out there ( I have the other one ).


Weight can absolutely affect your sex life.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 12:59pm

Hello and welcome to the boards.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 4:25pm
Hey you! I'm new also. I'm 24 (I'll be 25 next month) and I understand you completely. I have said in a different post how true it is that a layer of fat builds a wall from everyone. I read a book once and cannot remember the name of it, but it talked about exactly that. It said that overweight people are using their fat, their weight as a protective barrier from the outside world. And even when you meet someone that you want to share your life with, your body with, it's hard. I understand. I'm 310 pounds. My boyfriend just proposed to me, at my highest weight yet, so I know he loves me. We're getting married soon. My point is, however, I don't feel beautiful either. He tells me all the time how he loves my body, my curves, my skin. I hate it. I hate being fat. I hate not feeling feminine and light and pretty.

My second point has to do with the religious part of your inquiry. I grew up in a strict Pentecostal church. I was so brainwashed to think I was a dirty "whore" (pardon me, but that is how I felt) when I lost my virginity when I was 18. Guess what? It didn't stop. I had a couple one night stands, I had unloving relationships, I had casual sex a couple times. I couldn't believe myself. And all along, in the back of my head, was a voice telling my how dirty I was because I enjoyed sex. I can't believe the things I did. Yet I feel that I was pushed to it in a way. I loved it. I loved the feeling. Even other things like masturbation was preached against.

I can go on and on about this topic. It is one that is near and dear to my heart. What I will tell you, though, is that you are not a bad person. I swore up and down that I would never live with someone before we got married. Well, circumstantial things occurred and it just so happens that my fiance and I live together. Here's the thing: He loves me. He cares about me. And even when he wasn't quite ready for marriage, I knew that he loved me and he was the "one". I've never been in love before him.

I know I veered off the topic a little, but yes, your weight does affect your sex life and confidence, if you let it. And I do let it. I know I shouldn't but it does. It is a ton of psychological issues also. This about this: how will you feel at your goal weight making love to your boyfriend? Pretty good, right? Yes, because you will likely feel more comfortable, but also will you be closer to him? Yes, you will. The layer of fat will be gone. In a way that's scary because you're closer to him and it seems like you have some hard feelings and hurt from your past. For me, it's like getting rid of another person! I'll have to learn how to have sex again! :) LOL. You obviously have the drive and determination to lose the weight (you've done it before). Now you have a support in place (your boyfriend) and you're already down to 188!! Congratulations! Just keep your head up. Try to deal with your past because it does affect how you feel about yourself and sex now.

I know I rambled, but when I was reading your post, I completely understood! Sorry. This is your life...take control of it (that's as much for me as it was for you).

Shannon

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:29am
Hi!

I don't totally know where you are coming from, but I am similar. I weigh 277. And I have had a similar experience in the way with guys and all. I am different from you b/c I went to regular public school, and my parents wanted me to go out MORE than I did, and make more friends, but I was too afraid. My sister was this thin beautiful blonde, and here I was, this heavy brunette(which at the time i thought was so plain and ugly.) I had no confidence, guys never showed interest in me at all. So, I stayed home all the time, never really hung out with friends from school b/c they were just going to parties to meet up with guys on the weekend, and i was always afraid that I would never get a guy, period. Eventually, I didn't care, I'd dress like a boy, never wore make-up, and hung out with the wrong crowd.

When I got to my senior year of HS, I started seeing this guy named Omar. He totally turned my life around. I mean, we only dated for a month or so, but he totally changed me. I was heavy, and he thought I was beautiful and sexy. I felt good about myself. He was my first kiss. So, after Omar, I started seeing myself as a woman. I liked all the attention I got. But then Omar moved, I was single yet again, and that led to bad things. I became so starved for attention from not having it for so long, getting it, and having it taken away suddenly, that I got with anyone. I slept with several different guys after that, and they all worked for my brother-in-law, and were all trashy jerks. They would even make fun of my size after we slept together. They'd be at work, and talk about "the elephant". But I slept with them anyways, b/c I thought I was too fat to get any better; I thought I was lucky to get it at all.

Finally, this year I met my fiancee.

When I met him, it all made sense. THIS is how I am supposed to be treated..like a person, like a woman. He tells me every time I see him how much he loves me, how beautiful and sexy I am, and how he can't wait to marry me...and like, I still get teary over that. Someone actually wants to marry ME. And I never get sick of hearing that of course!

My size is good to him. I am trying to lose weight, and he says he totally supports it b/c I want it, even though he doesn't think I should and tries to buy me junk food all the time lol. I think he really likes me the way I am. And so, I am REALLY rambling, but to sum up what I've said...no matter how big or how small you are, I don't think it matters at all. There is someone for everyone, and when you find your #1, they aren't going to care what size your tag says, or what the scale reads. All that matters is that you're you. I found that out the hard way, but really, I wouldn't change a thing. If I hadn't had the bad, I wouldn't appreciate the good.
~Sayruhb02
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 9:11am

Wow. I'm so glad you found someone nice. I felt so bad for you when I read about your experiences with the buttheads that worked for your brother-in-law. I understand that you were just young and scared and took comfort where you could. Even if it was fleeting.

Deb 270/228/145ish  (updated 4/19/04. Next weigh-in: 6/1/04)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 9:58am

<>


Man, I can REALLY relate to that! Part of me

Deb 270/228/145ish  (updated 4/19/04. Next weigh-in: 6/1/04)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:56pm
I am a guy who has been overweight since elementary school, and obesity is definitely a drain on sex life and confidence. After reading all the posts about feeling invisible and feeling alone, it brought up a bunch of issues that have been going on for years that I have only vocalized to maybe two other people.

Here's a mini-biography that probably rambles on, but may give insight to an overweight guy's POV:

When I hit adolescence, I changed from a hyperactive kid to a couch potato (no medication needed). Thus, my weight balloned, leavng me with stretch marks everywhere. On top of that, I was a "nerd" who read voraciously. Needless to say, I wasn't on girls' radar for most of Jr. High and High School.

I got thinner during high school, but I still saw myself as being fat. I had zero-confidence talking to girls. I did recieve some attention, though, but I didn't know how to handle it, or my nervousness made me clam up.

I finally got my first date when I was 17, and dated three girls that year. I learned a hard lesson: girls don't like it when you're too nervous to kiss them (much less, anything else) and being too respectful hurts more than it helps. The ladies also found out that I was Mr. Nice Guy, and took advantage of that, which perplexed me to no end. That's also when I heard the phrase "The guy every girl wants to marry, no girl one wants to date".

So, then I go off to college with low self-esteem, Mr. Nice Guy attitude, and plenty of female "friends" (note the absence of the prefix 'girl' in that quote). Girls started talking to me like I was one of them, and I got to hear everything they ever commented on. Thanks to these inpromptu "psychology lessons", I became even more self-conscious about my weight, as well as were my shoes the right color and other inane details.

Now, in addition to analyzing everything I said to a prospective date, I now analyzed everything she said or did. And because of my self-esteem, I took rejection very hard. So hard that I wouldn't ask anyone else out for six months. I'd then get rejected again, and the process would begin anew. Or I'd get a bigger hit by being stood up. Therefore, I never had a date in college. But I got more "friends" and more phone calls over guys who did them wrong, and figured out that I was simply not attractive enough to date.

In the 3 years since college, I have had 5 dates, 4 of them blind dates. I've learned to analyze facial expressions quite well, can tell within the first five minutes whether she's going to give me a chance or not. In fact this last one was behind my current weight loss. She wasn't particularly attractive herself, and let it be known thru a friend that I wasn't "hot". Exit confidence, enter depression.

It's not like I don't talk to women. My profession is 90% female. I talk to women all day long. However, it's easy for me to talk to them because nearly all of them are married, and I'm not trying to get a date with them. When I do find one who is single, I get nervous again. It's also not like I'm a ugly guy. I'm just "average". I hear comments everyday like, "You are such a nice guy. Why are you still single?", to which my usual retort is that the "question has answered itself".

So, in summary: I'm a 26 year-old virgin who hasn't even kissed a girl in 7 years, who has low self-esteem and wouldn't even know what to do if a woman actually paid attention to me. In fact, I probably wouldn't get the hint (guys never do). However, I do have a good job, a nice house, and seem to be progressing in respect to my master's degree. So I guess I'm not a total loser.

Anyway, just writing this seems to have been theraputic for me. I feel that I've gotten alot off my chest. Reading back over it, is seems as if none of it is on topic, but thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Tony

323/273/220

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 1:40pm
Hi Tony,

Boy can I relate to the blind date thing. I've had internet personals on a few sites over the last couple of years and intentionally do not have a photo posted. The point of that being I could meet somebody and we could get to know each other and maybe they'd like me for me and not what I look like. Totally backfired at least 6 times that I can think of immediately. I'd get great responses and feel like I'd really clicked with these guys and feel 'safe' sending a photo after days or sometimes even weeks of exchanging emails and phone calls. A couple were nice enough to politely brush me off, the rest just stopped emailing me. And these are guys in their mid to late 30's who are not exactly model material themselves. Shallow much? I personally would love to meet the guy who every girl wants to marry but nobody wants to date. I think he's underrated.

Andi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 1:55pm
Hey Tony,

I am really glad that you posted. It is so good to get a guy's pov on this subject.

Before I met my SO, I was on a lot of personals sites too. I think it is a good idea to put a picture on the ad. What if a woman is looking for someone exactly like you, but disregards your ad b/c of no photo?? For that reason, no matter how ugly I think I am, I always put a pic on there.

You really should have more confidence than you have. You are a really accomplished person, you seem like a really great guy, and even though I have never seen you, I bet you aren't some kind of troll!! You have a lot to be confidant about!!

A lot of women would want to date you, you've just not been finding the right kind of women. Heck, I would love to date you if I weren't engaged and live in TN. I have read your profile, and see you're from Pikeville, and I actually have relatives there, and have been there. I know the quality of women in that town are...limited..lol but you should really keep trying. I know you are going to find a great woman one day, and one who loves exactly who you are and what you're about. Keep your hopes up and your chin high!

Sara

~Sayruhb02

Pages