Need advice for a girlfriend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Need advice for a girlfriend...
17
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 12:15pm
Need advice for a friend.

Her husband recently told her he's not "turned on" by her anymore and that he wants to sleep with other people for excitement. They've been together nearly 5 years. He says her size bothers him now, and she has gained about 35 lbs since they've been together. He also says he still loves her, wants her to be in his life and doesn't want a divorce; he just wants to sleep with other people. He insists that sex and love are two separate entities.

The best advice for me to give her would be......???????????????????????????

I don't know what to say to her. My initial reaction is to tell her to kill him in his sleep (He ran into my knife! He ran into my knife TEN TIMES!) but I also know that she adores this man- loves him more than anything except for his children who she's raised since day 1 of their relationship. She's the only mom they have and she will not leave them.

I don't know what to say to her. Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 12:32pm

I guess my main question is whether this is something that she is ok with....if she doesnt want him sleeping with other women, then so be it!

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 12:58pm

Melody, first of all....that is my favorite quote from Chicago. ;)


I know if I was in her shoes I'd wish him the best and personally ensure that he comes across a Lorena Bobbit type. But that's just little, old vindictive me. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 1:26pm
Tell her to tell him, "If you want to have your cake and eat it too, buy a @#$@#%@#%-ing bakery. Two is company, three's a crowd in a marriage bed."

I can't believe the nerve of this man. He is asking her to acquiesce to his guilt and blaming it on her weight?!?!?!?!?! This is not respect; this is not faithfulness; this is not the foundation of a good marriage. Screw that. (pardon the pun.) Tell him he can sleep with whomever he wants right after the divorce and right after she gets 1/2 his income.

Children! Now there's another story. Couldn't tell you the # of jerks I've stayed with b/c I was helping to raise their children. I don't know how old these children are but I will tell you that they remember the positive influences in their lives. I got a call once from the daughter of a man I dated a LOT longer than I should have. I apologized for all the bad things I felt I had done to that child -- leaving the relationship among them. She said, "Don't worry. You gave me the best gift anyone in my life ever did. You taught me to read."

Blessings to all except this jerk,

S_C

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 6:23pm
As a guy, I can't believe her husband would have the gall to ask such a question (he might be trying to ease a guilty concience). I maybe a neophyte to relationships, but when you take a marriage vow, I believe it says for better or worse. If he doesn't want to have sex with her "because of her size", then he is f&@#%^g shallow. I think cheating on someone while you're in a committed relationship is the lowest thing a person can do, and I would deem that "emotional abuse" because it can lead to scarred emotions (re-read this sentence again to see why I didn't ask out any women for six years).

I just come up with a good quote:

"If you do not love all of me, then none of me you will love"--Tony

And to break out some religious philosophy (substitute "master" with "women":

“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other, or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other.” Matthew 6:24

In other words, he tends to love the one he's with.

Anyway, enought of deep angry thought.

Tony

323/270/220

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 6:42pm

I completely agree Tony, so not sure why you made the marriage reference to me haha

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 8:50am

Personally, me and my boyfriend have a very open casual relationship .... we both sleep with other people, (safely of course) and as long as I'm not being lied to I could care less who he associates with as long as I'm being put first in his life and I know he's coming home to ME .... and also of course, he's doing it safely and not bringing me any diseases home


But you know, that's a personal decision she needs to make ... some people can handle a relationship like that and some people can't ... she needs to decide what is more important to her and what she can't live with and live without ... I'll keep her in my thoughts ... I know it must be hard to have someone tell you that they aren't attracted to you anymore when you love them so much


I do have my small group of friends that I ummm "interact" with ... and I'm lucky because I found someone who can understand that I didn't want to give that up and I'm comfortable with him having his own little group of "friends" LOL...


As for your friend's husband,

 
 
 
 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 9:50am

Yea, that is what I was trying to get across but I dont think I was doing a very good job of saying it hehe

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 9:50am

First of all, it depends on whether she could accept it or not.


Deb 270/228/145ish  (updated 4/19/04. Next weigh-in: 6/1/04)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:03am

Ummm why did I think this post was started by Palomino Girl?????

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:04am

Deb,


I totally agree with you!

 
 
 
 

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