One woman's journey....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
One woman's journey....
10
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:18am
I just posted this letter on my website. It was written by a friend I met on the internet regarding how she came to be overweight, and how she feels when someone offers well-meaning, though not necessarily good, advice. Thought maybe some of you might be able to relate.

Today, for the millionth time, someone informed me that I could lose weight, if I wanted. This well intentioned person said if only I would stop eating so much, exercise more, and TRY then I would be able to be normal.

Normal. What exactly does that mean? I am not now nor have I ever been normal. I was born to teenage parents, drug addicts and alcoholics. From my earliest memories I can recall the feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy, the feelings of terrible loneliness and sadness. And I remember eating my way through those feelings- when my parents "munchies" affected them they affected me. Late night trips with giggling happy parents to a drive-thru or convenience store for this or that. Food was acceptance, love and attention when I didn't have it from the people whose love and attention I wanted so desperately. And it was comfort when the giggling became yelling and the smiles became slaps and punches.

When I was 6 a relative began molesting me. He told me I was such a pretty little girl, such a good little girl, and he bought my silence with warnings of how my parents would be angry and with treats. For 4 years I allowed all of this to happen, all the while eating my way deeper into unhappiness and farther from the reality of my life. My assailant often mentioned that I was so pretty and should diet so I wouldn't gain anymore weigh. I was so young I don't think I even realized what he was saying, but I knew that eating made me less appealing.

By the time I was 10 I ate as reward, punishment, for comfort and for protection. I moved often, living in a hotel and a car at times when my parents substance abuse outranked paying the rent and we were evicted. I had moved from school to school. I was unhappy unless I was eating. Then I discovered music, and sports, and I finally made a few friends. My extracurriculars kept my weight within reason, and my abuser was in prison on separate molestation charges. My parents divorced, my mom cleaned up, my stepfather moved in, and things became better. My weight was not out of control anymore, but it was all very tentative and, I was soon to discover, very temporary.

Teenage years came hard and fast. The fragile equilibrium I had acquired was in jeopardy. Depression had been my companion as a child, and was lurking beyond the edges of my consciousness all the while. My mother irrationally believed I was sleeping around and was convinced I was going to drop out of school and get pregnant as young as she had. In spite of my honors grades, constant praise from teachers and peers, and stellar report cards she was convinced. The more I struggled against her strict control the less reasonable she became, at one point threatening to put me in a mental institution. I was miserable. She was fast to lash out with words or hands, even when I was older. Food was still my solace. I became involved with a young man, and fell in love. We were married soon after graduating high school. We moved out of state to start school and the loneliness and depression began feasting on me as I feasted more and more on everything I could find. Less than 2 years and a divorce later I was living back in mom's house, going to school and working to alleviate the pain. I still used food to reward and punish myself, and my mother's voice echoed in my head- fat, stupid, wh*re, no one will love you, no one will want you.....and I heeded every word.

Fast Forward.

Today I am trying to lose weight. But I feel that a stranger's commentary on how simple it is to lose weight is just as harmful as my mother's shrill admonitions. I didn't gain this weight in a day or two, and I won't lose it so quickly either. But losing weight doesn't work unless I lose the voices in my head, lose the scars internal and external and the memory of how they came to be, lose the weight of a million terrible memories and release myself from the captors of my childhood. These aren't easy tasks, and they aren't the sort of thing labeled normal.

The next time you see a person who is heavy, before you judge their weakness, think about how much weight it is that person is truly carrying, and don't feel sympathy or superiority- simply be grateful that you don't carry it on your body or in your heart. And if you DO carry a similar pain, simply smile and keep your well-intentioned daggers to yourself.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 9:06am
Melody, I didnt get to read the whole thing since Im pressed for time right now, but your story is very compelling and I know alot of women will see themselves in you.

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:32pm
Hi Shawna....I didn't write it. A woman I met in a chat room and have become friends with did. I do see several parallels between my life and hers, but it's not exact.

I have been trying to talk her into coming here, and she's lurked a few times. She's very private, but also wants very much to find support and friends.

If anyone wants to email her, she said I can post her address.

charcourt_tn@hotmail.com

Her name is Carrie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:55pm
Oh dear, another troll...unless it's the same troll...who knows. Who cares?

And in case you didn't read, I was touched by this letter, I didn't write it, and I posted it for that reason, with permission.

You have no call to criticize any of us, and perhaps your heart needs some exercise as well- not physically perhaps, but emotionally.

Have a lovely day, and I will be ignoring further posts from you as you obviously can't comprehend the concept of SUPPORT group.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:03pm
Oh Im sorry, like I said, I just had to time to skim it and still havent read it in its entirity.

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 4:06pm

Then report her if you dont like it.

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 4:44pm
No problem Shawna...I do that when I am skimming too...last week I was confused over an email my husband sent me asking me to bring home a cow from the store....when I read it more carefully I realized he asked for cow juice (his euphemism for milk) and he was amused at my serious concern.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 6:00pm

That was completely unneccesary.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 9:33am
Ambrosia Pine,

I’m new to these boards, but I felt compelled to reply to your post. It sounds like you have never had a real weight problem in your life. If that’s true, then I’m happy for you. I, too, have had certain things go easily for me, but weight management isn’t one of them.

While it’s technically true that losing weight is a matter of burning off more calories than you consume, in the real world it’s not always that easy. There are many reasons why a person might be overweight. Those reasons range from heredity, health issues (such as thyroid problems), slow metabolism, emotional issues, or just a lifetime of bad habits to name a few. In my case, it’s partly heredity (both my parents were overweight and I have overweight siblings) but mostly it’s a lifetime of bad habits. These are not excuses, but a look at why I am the way I am. One must first find out why they are overweight before they can successfully lose the weight, especially if the reason is emotional issues. They need to deal with these issues on their journey to losing weight. I feel sorry for you that you cannot be compassionate enough to understand this.

As one poster previously said, this message board is a support center. It is designed to give support and encouragement to those who need it. If you are not one of those people that need it, and you cannot give support and encouragement, then on behalf of those of us who do, I would kindly ask you to refrain from posting on this board in the future.

To everyone else, if you see any more self-righteous posts from this person in the future, I would suggest that you just ignore them. Don’t let her harsh comments get to you. We have a lot of kind, supportive people on these boards and I would hate to have one person scare someone off that could genuinely use our help. Maybe if we all ignore her, she will just simply go away.

Ok, I said what I had to say. I feel better now :-)

Linda

~~Linda

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 10:49am
On behalf of everyone, I just want to thank you for pointing out that melody is overweight. Surprisingly, that's exactly why she's here! I thought the big purple letters that said 100 lbs or more to go would tip you off. And thanks for the advice about "eating less and exercising more". It's good to know you read a newspaper once in a while.

Sorry guys for this being my first post, but I'm a frequent lurker on all the diet boards. Currently, I work as a personal trainer in CA and am vacationing in New England/New York right now (go north for the winter, south for the summer.....see what California sun does to your brain?).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 11:42am
You picked a good time to come here to New England, it hasn't been this cold in years!!

Linda

~~Linda