Questions about body image

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Questions about body image
4
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:38am
Lately I've been having questions about how this weight loss is going to affect me emotionally... I mean, I've been overweight all my life, and it's really hard for me to have a picture in my mind about how I'm going to look and feel when I'm at my goal weight! I have NEVER had confidence in my body, at least not that I can remember, and now that my weight loss is becoming more and more significant, I'm starting to wonder about things. For example, right now, I look in the mirror and I still see a fat girl sometimes. But then other times I'll look at myself and actually see the difference....and think "wow, I have lost a LOT of weight" and "I'm really starting to look good!!" For the life of me, I still can't picture myself in a bikini, or in a shirt that shows my belly, because for as long as I can remember, I've always had a fat belly. Now I've got Andre (my boyfriend) telling me that he can totally see me being able to wear those kinds of things, but I just can't see it right now. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have enough confidence in your body to want to show it off!!!

Another thing is, I am thinking about how other people see me now. I tend to think very critically of myself, and I also really seem to care about how other people see me. I mean, people probably saw me as the "fat girl with a pretty face" before, but now I wonder if people even see the fat anymore!! I mean, I sure do, without question, but how do other people see me??!!? I'm probably sounding very analytical right now, but I am like that. Does anyone else ever have these kinds of feelings?

It's probably different for someone who has not been overweight all their lives, like I have. I mean, I can't compare how I feel now to how I felt when I used to be thin....'cause I never was thin! I look at myself in high school, though, and I think that I was actually not that fat at ALL! And it's crazy to think that I thought I was a cow! I absolutely hated my body, but when I compare those pictures to the ones of me at my heaviest, I can't believe I ever thought that way!! So now I think about weather or now I'm going to know when to stop losing weight! I don't want to become anorexic or anything, but how will I know when to stop? I still see myself as fat right now, and I have no clue how I'm going to be able to gauge my progress and decide what weight I want to stop at.

When you've been fat all your life, and you dream about what life would be like if you WEREN'T fat, you always think that life will be so much better if you could just lose that weight. You don't think about the negative aspects of losing a significant amount of weight. I know that my life will be better in the end, because I'll be healthy, strong and confident. But I am scared that such a big change might have a negative impact somehow....and I don't want to change too much!! My goal is to be a strong, independent, confident woman, and I don't want it to change my identity and my personality!! But any significant change like losing 100 pounds is bound to change me in more ways than I can understand right now!!

Sorry if I'm being too "deep" right now, but these are the things that have been running through my head recently. I hope I'm not discouraging anyone, because that is not my intention. I would greatly appreciate some input from everyone...I'd like to know if these are normal thoughts, and if anyone else ever thinks about what it will be like when they reach their goal weight! ~Sabrina 264/209/160, Atkid since July 17/03
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:09am

You are being very deep and rightfully so.

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:09pm
I can't answer your questions, but I can offer you a hug and an I know what you mean. I have never ever seen any reflection of myself other than the funhouse mirror version where I am too fat, too short, too ugly, etc. I look at pics of me when I was playing sports and doing marching band and weighed 150 lbs and I think MAN I want that again. But I know at the time I felt like a cow. I don't know when I will look in a mirror and NOT see the funhouse version and hear the cruel voices in my head, but I am looking forward to it.

BTW- I like your name. My DD is Sabrina Lynn, born in 97.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:48am
Thank you very much for your response, Shawna! I think it's really neat that we have similar stats, and especially that you felt the same way as I do now! It's really encouraging to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way! Sometimes I think I over-analyze things, and I think that stems from the anxiety I experience. I take Celexa for anxiety, and lately I've been wondering if I might need to increase my dosage. I have thoughts racing through my head, and I can't figure out if it's just the fact that I'm having these new, unfamiliar feelings about myself, or if it means I need to up my dosage. The scary part is that in the past, my anxiety has led to depression, and it was very scary to me. I was trying to get through my nursing program at the time, and it was one of the scariest things I think I've ever been through, because I felt I was losing control of myself...I couldn't function properly, and I started to get depressed. The Celexa and the support of my bf helped me through tremendously, and I'm doing very well now. That's why I'm a little scared that the depression might return. Also, I'm going through a lot of crap at work with these bitches I work with, and it causes me a LOT of stress!!

I'm just curious...have you been overweight all your life like I have? And how tall are you? I'm 5'9. It's so nice to be able to relate to someone, and talk about our feelings and have someone understand! I wouldn't mind chatting with you on MSN...do you use it? If so, let me know and I'll give you my email address. I'm not online a whole lot, but I try to go on for a little while every day.

Your post really helped me feel better! Thanks again! ~Sabrina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 11:47am

Im glad that my post helped you Sabrina!

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go