Apple Crisp And A Funny Story
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| Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:21am |
I don't know about you guys, but I be lovin' that apple crisp. And other crisps for that matter - pear, raspberry, doesn't matter. So, the other day I was dying for apple crisp and dietician lady says I can eat fruit and oatmeal, so......HOW CAN I MAKE IT INTO DESSERT ??????
I was deep in the throes of PMS and I love to cook and felt like baking something, but wanted to do my best to stay within the parameters set by Weasel Face. (Sorry.)
I took 2 Macs, 1 Granny Smith, 1 Bartlett pear and chopped them up (and gnawed the carcasses.)
In a big bowl I dumped them and shook some Splenda on them and nuked about 1/8 of a cup of I Can't Believe It's Not Butta and threw a few drops of vanilla extract in, dumped that on the fruit, shook on some apple pie spice and uncooked Quaker oats and stirred the crap out of it.
Shoveled that into a glass baking dish and baked for, oh, I don't know, 40 minutes on 375 ?
Found the FF Cool Whip and OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.....
It's healthy AND it's !@*^&%#! YUMMY !
I am really bad with providing exact amounts in my recipes (just ask Lori) but I don't use books, either, unless it's something I want to make that I saw some where.
Funny thing is, I never used to cook, didn't like it, had NO interest. Several years ago while gaining weight, I had a boyfriend that was a cook, and made alot of French cuisine with sauces, reductions, things like creme fraiche and buttery croissants and HEY! when did I get to be 265 pounds?!?!?
Now that I have been out on my own again (did a stint with the parents and am moderately embarrased about it), Kyle and I have been living together for six months, and I have my own kitchen, all sorts of neat stuff/toys/gizmos/utensils and enough bakeware to open a cafe. I think the thing was, I was intimidated by cooking. I mean , I could do some basics, but always call Mom in a panic about how long to roast a chicken for. I figured, I could either be afraid of it and suffer with ramen noodles, or I could tackle it head-on.
So what do I try first ? Bisquick Biscuits. They seemed innocuous enough. Well, I've never worked with flour, dough, or anything of that nature.
An hour later I was dialing the phone with my nose to call my best friend to come over and rescue me from the Evil Bisquick Hell I had trapped myself in. It was on the box, the counters, my face, my hair, the sink, the floor - everywhere. The neighbor's dog wandered in and I'm sure some of it would have ended up on her but my hysterical profanity screech-fest I was on apparently scared her. I was nearly in tears because how could just two ingredients and less than 50 words of directions go so horribly wrong? WHAT KIND OF A LOSER CAN'T MAKE BISCUITS ?!?!?
So she come in just PEEING herself because she can relate to what I'm going through. She comes from a line of women who are wonderful cooks (screw making HER Challah bread for Hannukah! I can't even deal with freakin' biscuits!)and she had a rough start also.
So she chiseled me off, hosed me down, wiped my nose and helped me out.
I am now a Biscuit NINJA. Also a chicken and pork ninja. Pork ninja just sounds WRONG, doesn't it ?
Hope you like da apple pear crisp !
Amy

Have a great Wednesday!
Faith
Case in point, last year when I had my tonsils out before my 30th birthday, I was recovering in my room and my Mom was sitting in the chair next to my bed. I was dozing in a Valium haze (can I have a doggie bag to take some home, please?) and a nursing student came in...to give me a anti-nausea/painkiller suppository. I KNOW what she is here for and there is no sense in delaying it or getting embarrased, we're all professionals, right? And it probably wasn't the first ass she'd seen that day. So, I sit up and I'm like, "Hi, how are you? What side would you like me to lay on?" You know, very non-chalant and whatever about it. Mom is (a total prude) horrified and asks if I want her to leave while she does what she has to do. And I said, "No, she's just sticking something in my butt. Some people PAY to watch stuff like this. At least she's cute." Straight face, no blinking. Very matter-of-fact.
So my mother is about to die, the nursing student is hanging on to the bed about to fall over in hysterics. She had to excuse herself and come back.
I have a medical backround (EMT) and am friendly with several doctors at the local hospital. Last December I went into the hospital with pneumonia and needed fluid replacement and IV antibiotcs for a few hours. Poor Mom dragged me down because I was almost unconscious. After 3 liters of fluid (!!!!!) I perked up and had a chest X-ray. The doctor, John, came in and said he just looked at my X-ray, but saw something on there and wanted to rule out fluid or possibly just breast tissue. He asked me if I had large breasts and I said, "Well, John, they are a 38 C, but if that doesn't mean anything, your'e more than welcome to look at them yourself. The bra's already off."
Mom is used to this stuff by now and is just shaking her head. Dr. John on the other hand is ROFL and proclaimed I have made his day. If I can make someone happy and laugh because I'm a total ass, my role in society is rather clear.
And I'm also the person you get on the phone when you are transferred from 911 Headquarters. Scary.
Sense of humor is all that keeps me going some days. It is one of my more outsanding features.
I thank you for you reply and take it as a total compliment !
Amy
Amy
Thanks for being a soul sista:)
Faith
Howz Atkin's goin' for you ? I bop around between 3 boards here mostly and I bump into lots of people on all of them.
Glad you liked my profile !
Amy the Pork Ninja
I really need to do something about this stage production I call my life... I was thinking of writing a book about this bizarre little town I work in - and have lived in for a bit - because I SWEAR there is a big, invisible filter (like for Mr. Coffee) at the exit off the interstate to our town - and it's an IDIOT filter. A few years ago a friend of mine was moving back here (why I'm not sure)and was having trouble buying a home. I asked her did she fill out an application with the committee. She asks what committee ? I said the committee that is responsible for maintaining the consistency of resident psychotic freaks, and apparently she got rejected because her freak rating bracket must have been too low. Which made me wonder why I'M here. Hmmm!
You cracked me up about the grocery list... I write things weird or mispell them,
i.e, cow juice, froot, green leafy sh*t, cluck....
Amy