OT- I need Advice Too......Love Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
OT- I need Advice Too......Love Advice
32
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:35pm

I could use some advice ladies and gents.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:44pm

Oh Rely.

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:53pm
Rely...

FIRST off HUGS!! I wish I had the words that would be an encouragement to you.

I do understand wanting to be married. I guess maybe since I am very old fashioned and my faith is strong in this but I believe it is important. It is a since of belonging and of rightness.

I can simply offer my support in you decision, offer my shoulder for you to cry on, and my hand to hold for strength.

If you need to vent, yell, use profanity, or eat chocolate email me and I will be there.

Avatar for suamomi
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2001
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:12pm
Rely...I wish I knew what to tell you! I think just like with Karrie's situation, only *you* can make this decision!

You can love someone dearly and not be *in* love with him. I think that if I were in your shoes I would be writing EVERYTHING down that I thought about the situation...kind of a "stream of consciousness" writing where you write anything that comes into your brain...good or bad or embarrassing. it can be very revealing! Examine your own feelings and then talk to him. Tell him how you feel and explain that you feel frustrated that it hasn't happened yet and make sure he knows that you don't want to force him into marriage but you need to know where he stands because you do want to be married one day and whether that's to him or someone else you don't know yet. (how's that for a run on sentence??) You need to have an HONEST conversation with him and find out where HE stands. I'm sure it will be a hard conversation to initiate but you need to do it at some point. I think just leaving before you've made these feelings clear is just going to be harder on him...it will seem out of the blue.

Rely, I just had a really hard conversation with my husband about his weight. Before I talked to him I was so frustrated and depressed and I couldn't figure out why I just wanted to leave. I felt really shallow and horrible when I realized that a big part of it was his weight. I mean, I've ALWAYS had issues with my body image and here I am thinking about how I want to leave my husband because he's fat and I'm not attracted to him (that wasn't the only issue but it was the hardest to talk about). I felt like such a b**ch for even bringing it up. But I did. I didn't tell him that I was thinking about leaving because it wasn't relavent at that point...but I am so glad we had the conversation. He said he's actually suspected that for awhile and he was glad it was that and not that I was cheating (!) on him or something. We still have issues to resolve but that one is out in the open now. And he knows that I love him and I didn't just say that to hurt him (heck, *I* was the one who was crying the whole freakin' time). I'm still not sure where I stand in regards to being *in* love with him but I am working it out. We got married 6 months after we met and it will be 7 years in May...they say the seven year itch is a common phenominon...perhaps that's what this is.

Anyway, that really has not much to do with *your* situation but my point is that it takes a lot of tension out of a situation to have an honest conversation. And how can he know how you're feeling unless you tell him?

I guess I did know what to say after all! Good luck Rely...you have my thoughts and prayers!

Sarah

Sarah


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:17pm
JMHO, but marriage IS very important. It's easy to live together, but it is not the commitment that marriage is. Seven years is a long time, long enough to have figured out by now one way or another. BUT, matters of the heart are never easy, even if the path to take seems obvious. The question would be, how important is it to you that he asks you to be his wife? If it is important enough that it causes resentment if he doesn't propose, I think that answers the question.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you--make the choice that will be best for *you* in the long run. You have all of us here for support regardless of which path you choose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:21pm

Thanks guys........it's not that I want this to be happy (I'm generally happy), it's just that I want a family.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:24pm
Gimme his email, Doll. I'll write him a letter and tell him to step up. :-D

Just kidding- Love ya!

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:25pm
lol.......I was writing my response as you and Ivy were I guess.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:31pm
Well, let's see, how to put this delicately--heck, there isn't a way--guys can be DENSE, totally oblivious, don't have a clue, duh, etc. "Should I just ask him when he thinks he'll be ready to get married?" I would--what do you have to lose? At least you can say that you tried everything, including asking him point-blank. He could be operating in a fog and not realize how much this means to you.

Go for it--this is your future you're talking about woman! **HUGS**

Avatar for suamomi
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2001
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:36pm
I think that if he really loves you he'll understand where you're coming from. He'll appreciate the honesty.

Maybe try to put it out there like you're really confused about where you two are headed. Tell him that you're confused...you've talked about this wonderful life together but it feels like it's just a fairy tale that you'll never really live. Ask him if there's a reason he hasn't asked you yet. You may or may not like the answer but at least you'll know.

From what you've told us about him it seems like he's a good guy...maybe just a little nervous about the committment of marriage and a family. It is a huge committment...you can't just walk away whenever things get bad.

More big Hugs Rely

Sarah

Sarah


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:49pm

Hey Rely!!


I can somewhat relate but things are really different also . I went through this kick "i want to get married" to joe awhiel back and asked him wtf is going on? I am good enough to have your baby and clean your underwear and sleep with but not good enough to be your wife...why? He didnt have an answer...well that basically tells me that us being married isnt that important to him..and thats fine now..it hurt my feelings at first but now I relaize I DONT have to settle for someone who thinks me merely mediocre .


Not saying that this is liek your situiation..but you want and NEED to know where this relationship is heading..should you invest another 5 or 6 years if hes "not sure"? I wouldnt but thats just me

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