OT- I need Advice Too......Love Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
OT- I need Advice Too......Love Advice
32
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:35pm

I could use some advice ladies and gents.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:22am
Rely~~ no one here can say anything about how your relationship should go…. Only you can do that marriage is important to others and to some its not,,,,but we can give you all the support you need to make your choices, Frankie and I are not married…. But we been together for 10 years and are on our second kid we own a house together cars the works its just not on paper….. I always say hes my husband I mean he basically is… yes I thought about the marriage thing and when I got pregnant this time he said well I guess we are getting married now… I was like oh no we are not I didn’t want him saying we got married because of this baby…. Do I see us growing old together? Yes I do…. Do I ever seen us married? Im not sure…. I guess time will tell if its important to you then you need to address it and let him know how you feel…. No ultimatums are never good…. But you can tell him how you feel and then make your decision upon his reaction…. Best of luck ((((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:40am
"...guys can be DENSE, totally oblivious, don't have a clue, duh, etc. " What!? Never?!!! Are you Crazy?

What was I talking about? :/

Oh yeah, we can be all of the above. Rely does he know how much marriage means to you? Many men put too much into the phrase "if it aint broke, don't fix it". Prehaps one or both of you are afraid of change. Maybe he is afraid of how marriage might change him, or you might have stayed in the relationship cause you were comfortable with it. If you are truly happy, then stay and talk to him about it. If you are still with him cause you know what to expect then do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Just my opinion. I could be DENSE, totally oblivious, and might not have a clue :)

What ever you decide to do, good luck. I wish you the best.

Avatar for jess9802
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:10am
I am so sorry you're going through this. My best friend and her boyfriend of four years (ages 25 and 34, both virgins) are in a similar situation. Every birthday, anniversary, and holiday she expects him to propose...and he never does. Her feelings are hurt, but she won't talk to him about it because she's afraid of scaring him off or putting too much pressure on him, and at some point she lashes out at him. His response is that they're not ready for marriage if they can't communicate openly. He's got a point.

I think that's where you're at. If marriage and being married is important to you, then you should let him know! And if you don't feel comfortable telling him, "We've been together a long time. I want to marry you. I want our commitment to each other to be official and recognized by our family and friends," then when WILL you? Are you ready to spend the rest of your life deferring to him on where to live, when to have kids, how many kids to have, etc.?

If you can't stomach the thought of talking to him about this issue before you break off the relationship, maybe YOU'RE not ready for marriage, or maybe he's just not the one. You were what, 18 when you started dating him? And seven years have passed, which isn't much time in the grand scheme of things, but you've probably changed and grown so much since you met him. Most people change in their early 20s--you have, and so has Tom.

Whatever you do, I don't think you should put off talking to him. You need to let him know that you're considering ending the relationship, and that you're putting the ball in his court. But whatever you do, don't spring it on him a few months from now. He can't read your mind. He may not *really* understand how important this anniversary was to you. As hard as it may be, you should tell him that you were hoping he would propose.

Sorry to ramble. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you need to have the difficult discussions and go from there. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 4:27am
Rely, I second Karrie's advice ! We're here for you if profanity and chocolate don't provide immediate relief !

And tell him to quit screwing off, you have a life to live.

(Just my 'lil 'ol two cents)

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:33am
Lol Rob! And then there are guys like you who have it totally together and definitely are a shining example of what guys SHOULD be like! You have to admit, though, that there are many guys who are "dense, totally oblivious, and don't have a clue" when it comes to relationships/women--okay, women, and what we "feel" is really important. (They don't call us complicated creatures for nothing, ya know). Hopefully Rely's sweetie will realize what is important for her and things will have a happy ending!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:59am
hey rely...

just a thought...since it is LEAP YEAR...you do know tradition has it during leap year a woman can ask the man to marry her?

i know a bit of humor in a very serious matter but maybe asking him might give him a start that this is really important to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:01am
sarah...

and that is something i am learning. you can't walk away when you hit a bump no matter if the relationship is 1 month old or 6 yrs. if you think it is worth the effort you have to try and work it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:03am
i am so seconding that...men are dense and they do not want to confront what they are feeling either
Avatar for brens2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:38am
((Hugs Rely)) I can't imagine that's an easy decision to make.I think you need to follow what you feel in your heart though...no matter how tough that may be.I will say though,that my boss had dated her boyfriend for many years...each year she had hoped he would propose.I don't know what it was that changed his mind finally,but he did propose and they are now married.My boss had tried a few times to leave him,but never went through with it because she loved him so much and had come to decide that even if they just lived together,she knew he loved her so much that that little piece of paper meant nothing.

You could always propose to him as well ;) I know,not the way most women imagine a proposal to go...but you just never know.Even though you guys have talked about it,he may be scared of proposing.I was living with DH before we got married,and had a son together...he was STILL nervous,lol.

Whatever you decide,good luck and know we are all here for you.

Bren

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:17am
I agree with all the others rely.

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go