Amy's QOTW (2 Parts)

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Registered: 04-19-2004
Amy's QOTW (2 Parts)
14
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 4:58am
Hello ! I will preface this post with the reason I am asking it. A while ago on the Anti-Diet Board, I read something that made me think, and I wasn't able to come up with a definite answer, so I refrained from answering. And you people KNOW I always have something to say. ( I was told once, that I were to be decapitated, I WOULD KEEP TALKING through the bloody stump of my neck.)

So my question(s) is this - Whether you started off thin and became fat, have been both multiple times, have always been fat and are trying to become thin..

1. Do you think (being fat) your attitude towards life has changed, i.e made you a tougher person emotionally, made you a timid or ashamed person, or had no effect on you at all ?

2. It's no secret we are all here and trying to lose weight, however we choose to do it.

As we go from fat to thin (or whatever you are aiming for), do you think you will always see yourself as a Fat Girl ? (This is a mindset I find particularly hard to shake no matter how much weight I lose.) Also, what would the difference be to you if you were young and only fat for a short time vs. being older and fat for a long time ? Would the Fat Girl mentality be easier to shake for the younger, haven't-been-fat-forever crowd ?

Bonus Question - Do you think having/keeping a Fat Girl mentality/attitude is a boon or a bane ?


*Disclaimer* I am not usually this deep at 4:30 in the morning. I'm just feeling inspired by the people here and this has been on my mind for a while. Plus, Officer O. isn't up my butt at the moment.

Any thoughts would be appreciated !

Amy

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Registered: 04-16-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 7:45am
Good questions! I have actually been struggling with some of these things, myself. I've never been "thin", at least not in my eyes, so I wonder if maybe it'll be harder for me to be fully satisfied with my body when I am down at my goal weight. For a while, I went through a bit of a panicky state, where I thought "what is the point of losing all this weight if I'm not going to be 100% satisfied with my body later?" But now I'm beginning to realize that it's not going to happen overnight!

I have been technically "overweight" all my life. Before I started to take action and realize that yes, I DO need to lose weight, I guess I was in denial that I had as big a problem as I did. I was still able to feign a certain amount of confidence, but I was truly NOT happy with my body at all. I didn't think I was capable of sticking to a weight loss plan, because I didn't have enough confidence in myself to make one work. In high school, I was technically "overweight", but I am shocked to compare pictures from high school to pictures of me at my highest weight...I can't believe I EVER thought I was fat in high school!! I think I looked pretty damn good! I think the time I gained most of my weight was just after my mom died, when I was 20. I just find it odd that I didn't even see it as that much of a problem. Somehow, I adapted to the fact that I was 264 pounds, and I didn't even care. Mind you, I didn't KNOW I was that high...i didn't own a scale! I carried my weight rather well, though, because I'm 5'9 and have a large frame.

The fact that I have a boyfriend who is very supportive of my weight loss journey is a BIG plus...he encourages me SO much, and loves me no matter what. His encouragement means a lot to me because of course, I want him to be attracted to me...and he's become a LOT more attracted to me now that my body is starting to look so good!

I would say that before, I was probably 20% truly satisfied with my body. Right now, I'm probably about 65-70% satisfied. My goal is to be 100% satisfied, but that may be a more difficult feat than I originally thought. I guess I didn't bargain for everything else that was going to change when I started to lose weight. I suppose part of it is that I never, EVER thought I would be capable of losing 100 pounds!! Now that I'm more than halfway there (58 pounds) I have no doubt I'll reach my goal weight!

There are some consequences to losing 100 pounds, though. One is that I didn't think about what my skin would look like after losing that much weight. I'm finding that it's getting sorta saggy and loose...and I know I have a number of factors working to my advantage to tackle that... being young (25), drinking a lot of water, using vitamin E cream on my problem areas daily, exercising...but it's still hard sometimes to think that after all this work, I might NOT be 100% satisfied with my body!

My attitude towards life has DEFINATELY changed! I have become a much tougher person emotionally! But that is sort of another one of those consequences. Don't get me wrong, it's a really, really great thing that I'm more outgoing and confident, but sometimes it catches me offguard and makes me feel like I'm a totally different person that I used to be. That is not always a bad thing...before I was timid, self-esteem was about ZERO, and I had a tendency to let people walk all over me. But now, I'm really beginning to love myself..and I'm proud of myself for this accomplishment. It's just a bit...weird, because I've never had this true confidence, and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to end up being a bitch or something LOL!! I don't want to be one of those people who is all high on themselves and thinks they are right about everything...because people don't respond well to that kind of attitude. If possible, I want to be, at the core, the same person I was before, except in a different body...but I'm beginning to see that it might be more of a challenge than I initially thought!

When I was in that panicky state, thinking I'm not going to be satisfied with my body at the end, I was so scared about the way I'm going to view myself when I'm 160 pounds. I guess that's because now, I look at myself in the mirror and I can still see all my flaws. I know I still have a big gut, I know my thighs are flabby, and my arms are also a little flabby. But I'm coming to realize that now, what is SO much more obvious than my flaws is what I have accomplished!! People at work are more encouraging than they realize. When people say "Wow, Sabrina, you're looking good...how much have you lost?" it makes my heart soar, because just the fact that they are acknowledging my accomplishment meants so much to me. And when I tell them how much I've lost, they are SHOCKED, and say "wow, you can really tell!!" It surpises me, really, because I don't see THAT much of a difference...I still see the fat most of the time. I guess that's just the old, timid Sabrina, the one who didn't think she could ever lose so much weight. I notice that people listen when I talk now...and people have a lot more respect for me now that I'm getting down to my goal weight. And the thing that means the most to me is that I can be an inspiration for others! It's amazing, really...last year at this time I would never have thought that people could think so much of me! I was perfectly content, or so I thought, eating like crap and getting bigger and bigger. What a difference! ~Sabrina 264/206/160-165 Atkid since July 17/03

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Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:53am
Being overweight has definetly given me a thicker skin. I also used to use my weight as a defense mechanism, hid behind it, and only recently did I experience a little panic about having lost all this weight. I am exposed. Nothing to hide behind. I have been overweight for over ten years. I don't know what it is like to have this new body. New shape, new clothes, turning heads. Weird. I have been ashamed of my body from time to time, and constantly compared myself to other women. Now, I am confident enough that I feel that *I* am my only competition. I CAN'T compare myself to anyone. We are all so different and diverse - it's not realistic. Just don't ask me to think this way while I have my period.

As far as the second question, I will always be a fat girl (in my head). I am actually thankful for that, because I have the perspective of having 'been there, done that'. I feel that having a 'fattitude' gives you the upper hand in the empathy department as well as holding your ground when necessary and picking your battles. I am my own toughest critic and I realize that NO ONE ELSE is really paying attention to me, because they are to busy paying attention to themselves to even noticve me and my self-inflicted paranoid delusions that everyone thinks I'm fat and disgusting.

In all honesty, I have to say that yes, I wish had never gained 105 pounds. I wish I didn't suffer the looks, the 'tsk-tsks' of people who thought that they were DOING THE RIGHT THING my trying to shame me, as if I wasn't ashamed enough. I have learned to get by on my brain, personality, sense of humor and empathetic nature instead of getting everything I wanted without working for it because I was 'hot'. I'm NOT saying ALL hot chicks have the life of Riley, obviously, but I feel that turning to different aspects of what makes me who I am and not relying on the superficial, it built a character that I don't think otherwise would have emerged had I not been essentially forced by society to be this way.

I might not be the strong, resilient smart-ass I am today if I had not been overweight.

I feel grateful to have shed the weight while still very young. I think it's a 50/50 split as far as who has the more traumatic experience being overweight - the short term younger fat girl and the older overweight women who have had a lifelong weight issue. Being young and fat is traumatic because those formative juvenile years can be awful and leave permnanent psychological damage because let's face it - children from the age of four to nineteen can be HIDEOUS NASTY LITTLE DEVIL SPAWN sometimes. On the other hand, being fat for a zillion years can really wear you down spiritually, especially if you are not happy with yourself.

I don't have all the answers to my own questions and I contradict the little person in my head all the time. Which is why I'll always be a fat girl, but that's okay with me.

'Cause Fat Girls ROCK.


Amy(Fatazz Shark)

265/164/145ish




Edited 4/26/2004 1:55 am ET ET by barkingshark

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Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:58am
Great post, Sabrina ! I almost copied and pasted your reply and used it as mine because we have had almost identical experiences, weighed the same thereabouts, and have the same goals. We are more alike than I thought !

Now if we could just agree on that damn Atkins ! LOLOL ;)

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:08am
1. Do you think (being fat) your attitude towards life has changed, i.e made you a tougher person emotionally, made you a timid or ashamed person, or had no effect on you at all ?

I think it's made me more aware of how reactionary and judgemental human beings are. It has not made me tougher; in fact, I think that my being fat is a symptom of my bieng weaker and encourages weakness. As a fat female, I can easily side step shallow people. It automatically cuts them off. I am not a target. The thinner I get, the more I will have to deal with men desiring me, and making overtures. For the most part, I don;t deal with that on a day to day basis. It's been very easy to discern who really wants to be with ME. Noyt so easy as a thin girl. I think I stay fat because I'm UTTERLY F&$^#*% PETRIFIED of being the center of sexual attention. And whats ironic baout my behavior is that I was a slut in my teens and twenties. I desired it when I could control it, I guess.

2. It's no secret we are all here and trying to lose weight, however we choose to do it.

As we go from fat to thin (or whatever you are aiming for), do you think you will always see yourself as a Fat Girl ? (This is a mindset I find particularly hard to shake no matter how much weight I lose.) Also, what would the difference be to you if you were young and only fat for a short time vs. being older and fat for a long time ? Would the Fat Girl mentality be easier to shake for the younger, haven't-been-fat-forever crowd ?

When I was younger I was thin. I was a gymnast, and rode dressage. I A L W A Y S saw myself as fat. Since, essentially, jr high when I was about 140#, I have always been big, but not necessarily fat, and have thought myself as fat during those times. And of course, I think of myself as fat now. I would be right. i have finally reached my image. :tard: It doesn;t answer your line of questioning really, but thats the way it's been for me.

Bonus Question - Do you think having/keeping a Fat Girl mentality/attitude is a boon or a bane ?

Depends on what you consider to be "fat girl" mentality. I think it is wise to always be aware of how one is differently treated fat or thin. I do not think it is in my best interest to always think of myself as fat.


Edited 4/26/2004 2:14 am ET ET by katharinern

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Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:17am
Amy, I just realized that you and I have very similar stats...How tall are you? ~Sabrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:29am
*teehee*

You're right, Amy, I thought the same thing when I read your post! It's so nice to be able to identify with others...helps me see that I am NORMAL!

And about Atkins...I honestly think that it's great that you have made it work for you. I sometimes do my own "tweaking" to make it work for me, too. It can be hard when you don't like to cook, and you live alone...cooking is not as enjoyable.

We can just agree to disagree on Atkins and leave it at that! The main point is that both of us are in this for the right reasons and becoming healthy, and that is definately something to celebrate! ~Sabrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 9:11am


1. My attitude has not changed at all due to my weight. It has changed in my early 20's because I realized that my granddaddy was wrong and I was a wrothy person. To answer the question more throughly, my weight has never played a role in who I am. I don't view myself as being a fat girl (only during that one day of PMS when we think we are slugs with straw fro hair). I am very independent and strong and that will never change because I might weight 260 or 160. My weight does not define me.

2. For me again, I have never viewed myself as a fat. I don't want to answer for others since in some areas I have not walked down the same path as others.

3. I don't agree with the fat girl point of view at all. I believe we need to look to who we are and take pride in that. Looks no matter if you are skinny or overwight fade but the character of who you are will endure until you are gone from this earth. Focus on who you are in a total package and take pride in that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:08am

Good questions Amy and I have talked about some of this before on the boards, but here goes.


1. Do you think (being fat) your attitude towards life has changed, i.e made you a tougher person emotionally, made you a timid or ashamed person, or had no effect on you at all ?

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:19am
1. Do you think (being fat) your attitude towards life has changed, i.e made you a tougher person emotionally, made you a timid or ashamed person, or had no effect on you at all ?

I have been fat since I was 6 years old. It has made me both timid and ashamed of who I am. I honestly feel that people look down on me because I am overweight and go out of my way to impress others.

2. It's no secret we are all here and trying to lose weight, however we choose to do it.

As we go from fat to thin (or whatever you are aiming for), do you think you will always see yourself as a Fat Girl ? (This is a mindset I find particularly hard to shake no matter how much weight I lose.) Also, what would the difference be to you if you were young and only fat for a short time vs. being older and fat for a long time ? Would the Fat Girl mentality be easier to shake for the younger, haven't-been-fat-forever crowd ?

I don't see myself as fat. In fact I am always shocked when I look at pictures and realize how overweight I am. I think others will always see me as fat. Are you confused yet? I guess the inner me is thin, but I will never be able to shake the image others see me as fat.

Bonus Question - Do you think having/keeping a Fat Girl mentality/attitude is a boon or a bane ?

It holds me back from showing the world who I am. I hide my true self behind layers of fat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:05am
1. Do you think (being fat) your attitude towards life has changed, i.e made you a tougher person emotionally, made you a timid or ashamed person, or had no effect on you at all ?

I have been fat since 1996. I experienced a myraid of attitudes. At times, ostrich-like, I've put my head in the sand over it and tried not to think about it, hid myself away, agoraphobic-like. Other times I've employed the "50 yard stare" to not see the disaproving looks and just brazened it out. I still do this today when I am having a vulnerable day.

2. It's no secret we are all here and trying to lose weight, however we choose to do it.

As we go from fat to thin (or whatever you are aiming for), do you think you will always see yourself as a Fat Girl ? (This is a mindset I find particularly hard to shake no matter how much weight I lose.) Also, what would the difference be to you if you were young and only fat for a short time vs. being older and fat for a long time ? Would the Fat Girl mentality be easier to shake for the younger, haven't-been-fat-forever crowd ?

I'm trying to get away from the whole I'm fat/I'm thin mentality and just focus on the fact that we're all human and in this world together. I think it is more difficult for the young. Especially in these media driven times where the ultimate woman is a size 0 and has a D cup. Silicone must not weigh that much! This is a big reason why I largely boycott the media. The only shows I watch are the "Soprano's" and "Six Feet Under".



Deb 270/228/145ish  (updated 4/19/04. Next weigh-in: 6/1/04)

 

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