Regrouping - again...and again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Regrouping - again...and again.
5
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:07pm
I feel like I've been here 10,000 times. But yet, once again, I'm here. I spent a week doing pretty good on Atkins. Then another week fighting to keep on track. Then this weekend I blew it big time.

Why? I just don't know. Some days I think I got it - that i don't have a supportive husband who inadvertantly sabatages me, or I have no one to talk to (I've bored everyone to tears...watch out this board may be next!), or that inside I just hate myself so much I really don't care if I die of fat.

I'm lucky, even at 150 pounds over weight I show no signs of it other than aches pains and my horrible self image. Maybe I don't have that life threatening risk (yet) to make me believe this is my only chance to survive - since my blood pressure is fine, my triglycerides, etc. Everything is normal.

I asked a thin friend of mine, who gained 30 pounds during her divorce, how she stays trim and how she lost the weight after putting it on. She did Atkins and now maintains successfully. Over the span of a couple months she got down to her goal weight. Seemingly effortlessly.

She just put her mind to it - so why can't I? I had another friend say he "just gets militant about it." Sort of giving himself orders and taking them. No questions.

I don't get it - why am I not focused. I want to be thin more than anything. I spent more of my life thin then fat. I have a terrific figure under all this but who would know?

I just hate that I had my baby 5 months ago and I've gained at least 20 pounds SINCE THE DELIVERY. I had held my weight constant during the pregnancy and was so proud of that. I was overweight going into it, but I came out even. And now I ruined it by gaining 20 pounds in 5 months - not LOSING 20 pounds!

I actually was so angry at myself I could sleep last night. I was so upset I almost got up and went to the livingroom to sulk. How could I do this to myself? What is wrong with me? Am I so self loathing I just perpectuate this until I die?

I'm afraid for myself - but also my two daughters. Will they end up wtih a fat mom, showing them how to eat fat, and be fat kids? I am so worried about that - I hope I don't do taht to them. I was skinny, really skinny when I grew up and I hope they are too. But so far my first daughter is not...and I fear I'm not being a good mom.

I also have absolutely no time to work out except at 8pm at night. After getting up at 4:30am with the baby and working hard all day, I just can't imagine working out at 8pm. I'm in bed usually by 9pm each night believe it or not. I just can't even breath.

I'm rambling - feeling very vulnerable. I got back on the wagon today -but feared getting on the scale to see the damage I've done.

I don't know if I told you this, but if I lose 70 pounds by 12/8 my husband agreed to go for child #3. I REALLY want another baby - but if I can't get the weight off, I'm not sure I can convince him to do it. It is a fun bet - but one I want to win. I've lost 5 months - do I honestly think I can make it up??

Someone please help me. I act all strong but inside I feel like a complete failure, over and over again. And I"m not sure what it will take to stick to a healthy behavior pattern. Be it low carb, low fat, low volume, all of the above - who cares, anything has to be better then gaining weight at hte rate I am year after year!

Camay

320(?)/315/185 (I'm so lost....)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:59pm

Camay....your post made my heart break.

  Shawna-- Proud Cl for 100 Pounds or More to Go 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:37pm
Hi Camay,

I am new here, but I can't help but identify with how you are feeling right now. My highest weight was 320 pounds too, and so far I have lost 60. I am here to tell you it is possible, despite how hopeless you feel. I think the biggest thing for me was to just start slow...and let that be OK. Every single thing you change in your lifestyle for the better is going to help. You don't (and can't) become an entirely different person with different habits right away. You can have small goals for every day. Eat more vegetables. Drink less soda. Add just 10 minutes of physical activity a day. A small step in the right direction is better than standing still, or worse, moving backward.

Personally, I don't follow any specific weight loss plan -- just all around sensible and healthy eating. I think any healthy program that WORKS for you, that you can plan to stick to as a LIFESTYLE is great. When I begin to think about my weight loss as the only goal for eating well and exercising, it starts to seem like an insurmountable obstacle. Everyone has set backs like these -- I know I have had a ton already. The most important thing is that you bounce back from them. The longer you wait to get back on the right track, the harder it is going to be. In the meantime, feel free to call on me for support any time you need it. Don't give up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:39pm
it's tough feeling like this isn't it! i'm right there too. i just wanted to throw this out there... Are you on birth control? since you just had a baby, you might be. i personally gained lots of weight when i was on BC. i was taking Depo Provera. i gained 20 pounds in 4 months. and that's just for when i was actually tracking my rate of gaining.

that's all i can think of for now.

Serena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:18pm
Hey Camay,

I can totally relate to your post! After my second son was born I lost some weight at first, but then started putting lbs on again. I was dealing a huge stress and a lot of emotional upheaval because of health issues that my son had (which is a long story that I won't go into) so I had plenty of reasons to drown my sorrows in food. Even since I've started losing I've had lots of ups and downs. I feel exactly the same as you when you say you don't know why you can't stay focused on it even though you want it more than anything.

My suggestions would be to first of all...give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself!! Five months really isn't much time when you've just had a baby! Don't think of it as losing 5 months, it's just been a break while you're adjusting to the changes in your family. They are over and done with...now make the next 5 months count!

If right now you can only exercise at 8pm, well do it then. Make it a priority and just do it. I bet soon you'll have more energy and be feeling better and it won't seem so hard to get up and do it. I do get to work out in the mornings, but lately I've been adding more exercise by also working out at about 8 or 9 at night. I usually feel really tired and the last thing I want to do is exercise, but I make myself do it anyway...and every time I feel SO much better afterwards!

If you ever need a pep talk, or a sounding board, or just some ideas let me know! You can even email me if you'd like aandfischer@yahoo.com You can do it, just hang in there and good luck!!

Amanda

285/247/150

Avatar for angelinoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:41pm
Hi Camay...a month after i had my dd i fit into my pre-pregnancy pants sz.14(barely though..lol) then within the next few months gained. I never weighed myself so i don't know how much i gained in what time frame.

My dd is now 6 and i weigh more than i did when i was pregnant =(

I think you just have to get in the mindset that this is a lifestyle change NOT a diet. And it's going to take awhile, i have trouble with that one i just want results now.

I guess the DH and pregnancy thing would be a good motivation since you want another baby but if you don't make it then just think that slow is better caus you'll be doing it heathy and that's what best for your baby and for when you do get pregnant again.

Good Luck getting and staying on track!