OT - Hamsters

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
OT - Hamsters
7
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:18am
Okay, I swiped this off the RELIGION deabte board, from a poster called shortee79....I can't even see straight I'm laughing so hard.


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story

below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his

room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can

you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer ___expression on my face and followed him

into his bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do. "Honey", I called, "come look at the

hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we

didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my

most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to

be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the

miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter

of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do

think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We

don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."

Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,

giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with

the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they

could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females

in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,

Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women

can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one

thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the

little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a

c-section?" suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I

gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,

Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,

like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did,

lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.

Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife

offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then

even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the

woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS

manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm

picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for

more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our

son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Hamsters ..... $10

1 Cage ..... $20

1 Trip to the Vet .... $30

Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's wacker. .Priceless







iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:43am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

 

Lilypie Baby Birthday

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:29am
HEHE

 

  Shawna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 11:44am
ROFLMAO!!!!! I should have read that one from home, not work! I'm trying not to laugh too hard at my desk, I don't want people to think I'm any stranger than they already do!! I can't believe you found this on the religion debate board. What were they debating on this one? LOL!

~~Linda

~~Linda

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 6:48pm
"what were they debating about on this one?" The sin of hamster masterbation, of course.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LMAO! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:20pm

Okay I am not going to tell you what happened to me......memories very similar came flooding back.


hahahahahahah


furry


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:34pm
Not even going to ask....

Some scary thoughts did come into my head, though lol!

~~Linda

~~Linda

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:07pm
Im just gonna say...EWWWW

 

  Shawna