What is your story?
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What is your story?
| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 11:01am |
I know that several of you have talked about how you got to this point, but I have forgotten and was thinking about my own weight gain journey.

Shawna
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I was recently thinking about when I was in high school. I'd kill to be that thin now. I was never skinny, and all my friends were ALWAYS thinner than me. But I wasn't FAT. But, I'd go to the mall and try on clothes. I'd look in the mirror and feel literally sick to my stomach, butterflies in my stomach, because I looked SO BAD. I thought I was supposed to be skinny. I thought I was supposed to be as thin as my peers. I thought I was supposed to look like the girls in movies and in magazines. I am NOT blaming the media for my weight. I think they present the wrong image and pressure people to unattainable appearances. But what was wrong with me, or my mindset, that being a size 11 was TOO BIG? Oh yes my friends were thinner, but I'd give an organ to be a size 11 again. So what I'd do is I'd put the clothes back on the shelf and then say "f*ck it!" and go to the food court and get nachos with extra cheese and then some ice cream. "I'll never look like so-in-so" (friend or magazine model), so I might as well pig out on yummy food".
I know it was MY actions, and that the media didn't stuff food in my mouth. But I had NO reason to believe, NONE, that I was beautiful then. Picked on in school, short list of friends, no boyfriend, etc.
It's awful to look in the mirror and feel imperfect. I do feel that way now more than ever, but I even did when I was a size 11 teenager.
I'm not sure the 'story' behind my 243.5 pounds, except that at 226 I said "how'd I get thsi fat???" and tried to lose weight. Since then I've been battling (down to 204, up to 243.5) to get the weight off while battling food cravings so strong I feel like a drug addict and end up in tears.
It's hard.
Lauren
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When I was a child, I grew quick and developed quicker. I was wearing a bra in 3rd grade, was 5 feet tall when I was 10, and 5'5 and 128 pounds when I was 12. I got my period at the tail end of 9 (WTF!!!)and somewhere I read that girls who go thu puberty young tend to be heavier when fully mature (you ain't kiddin', Jack).
I was never a heavy kid, but muscular like my dad, and i had really wide shoulder and hips. Just the way it was, KWIM? I had a nice figure when I graduated HS, weighing 160 pounds and carrying that on a 5'7 body. I was never into sports, but I was not sedentary either. I participated in gym class, and even ran track (STOP GIGGLING!)and was active all around. I never had an issue with food until the end of HS (and I noticed that's where alot of the problems seemed to start).
I then launched myself into a series of abusive relationships, but what got the ball rolling was a man 14 years my senior that I date for four years. I won't get into it here, but what he did to my head has forever changed me. I am not the same person before I started dating him. Moved on from him to a super-sweet Taiwanses hottie I worked with. Against his parents wishes, he dated me, and moved in with me.
Did I mention his family owned a Chinese restaurant. Yeah. Nuff' said.
Well, two years and 20 pounds later (180ish now), I discover that my boyfriend has gotten A COWORKER PREGNANT and they are getting MARRIED. Just. Like. That. I found this out thru a client of mine - a psychologist who's nails I did, because she knew what Yao looked like, but he did not know her, and SHE LIVED NEXT DOOR TO THE GIRL. Well! I get privy to everthing I need to be, go home, and tell hin to get the !@#!#?! out. He is on the phone (talking to her most likely, because it's in Chinese and the fifty words I know that he uses with his mothere were absent). Long story short (he wasn't moving fast enough and I thew his bubble jet printer out the 3rd story window).
So, I move to NH with mom, who moved in with her longtime boyfriend when I graduated HS. So, living at home, combined with depression, poor food choices, being sedentary, then meeting a man who could cook the pants off Emeril (and not to mention the fact he was 300 pounds)I went from 185 pounds, to 265. All in all, I gained 105 pounds from 1991 to 2000. Long story short here, we ended up breaking up and I was terrified I'd never meet anyone because I was so freakin fat, and who would want to see me naked? That, combined with stress, being extremely sick with inhalation pneumonia from a fire scene I was at for 8 hours in the dead of winter, and semi-starving myself, I blew off alot of weight very quickly.
Fast forward past a couple other ex-holes to 2003 and Kyle. We have known each other for years, and when we started dating (and I thought it was Crusty Old Auntie Amy taking Kyle out for a drink cause he turned 21. (He had other plans)I weighed 210 at the time, and for some reason, the weight statred coming off. i had strated watching what I ate, and did a version of SBD, and was at 190 by Christmas (and yes, sex with a 21 year old will burn calories. Lots of them. I recommend a 21 year old to EVERYONE).
I start Atkins HARDCORE in january 2004 and get down to 180 ish, then have to go on a low caeb/low fat diet by a dietician because of my cholesterol. I went from 177 to 165 in under a month, and whacked 80 points off my total cholesterol numbers.
Today, I weigh 157 and can't remember weighing this little EVER, maybe when I was 16 or so, but for some reason, my body looks better. (I'm losing m' boobs, though!:( )
I think what helped me lose all the weight in the end, was a nurturing, caring relationship. The others were mentally abusive (and only one guy dared to attack me in my apartment and I pushed him down the stairs and broke his hand in five places when I stepped on it. WARNING! I fight back!) I am so comfortable with Kyle because he doesn't BS me, is open and honest and loves me for who I am, regardless of what I weigh. I feel like I should feel good on my OWN and not depend on someone else's view of me, but unless you go thru life completely alone, we are all connected and involved to some extent. Which makes us that more human.
Amy
**barking and chewing my butt***
Anyway, my contribution is as follows:
I was a very thin, hyperactive child until I reached fourth grade. That is when I was plucked from my regular class to attend academically gifted classes. Before then, I just zipped thru homework and went outside to play. However, the way to "challenge" a gifted student was to assign them more reading and homework. So, my playtime decreased as my homework time moved to the ridiculous range. Also, I felt depressed because I was among the lower socio-economic kids in the class. So I ate, and ate, and ate. Then I learned to cook, and ate even more. I gained weight so fast, that I have a plethora of stretch marks all over my torso.
By seventh/eighth grade, I was around 200 lbs. I got my tonsils out that summer, and lost 25 lbs. The doctor told me that was an ideal weight for me as I neared 6ft. If I could control my eating, I would be ok. Well, I did ok thru high school. I weighed about 210 at graduation, and thought I was soooo fat (I would kill to be 210 again). Anyway, I gained about 25 more pounds in the next two years, and when I graduated from community college, I was at 235.
When I got to East Carolina, I packed on the "freshman 15" in a month, and gained about 20 more pounds over the next two years. Luckily, I walked everywhere, and that kept my weight down, even though I ate like crazy. When I came home for my internship in DEC 1999, I was 270. By graduation MAY 2000, I was 300 lbs. (I cried when I saw the scale). After graduation, I bought a house, and stayed home alot. By June 2001, I was at 315, when I modified my eating for the first time. I reached 270 around Thanksgiving 2001, and finally felt confident to ask girls out on dates for the first time since high school(I was now 24).
After some dating fiascoes and lots of rejection, I returned to my old ways, and in JUNE 2003 I was up to 325. I was depressed again, because I had allowed myself to (1) gain all the weight back, and (2) get suckered by a girl, again. I read about this discussion board in a newspaper, joined up, and then joined Fitday. I was back to 270 at Thanksgiving 2003, but things didn't work out between me and my ex-girlfriend, and I ate my way back to 290. This is where I was at two weeks ago. Right now, I'm at 283, and I'm putting my stuff back in Fitday.
The hard thing over the summer is with all this time off, it's easy for me to make big meals and snacks. It gets kind of lonely here, and all of my friends are busy with their families or work. Also, I'm not dating (and I've never had sex), so I'm comforting myself with food (at least it's reduced calorie, fat free stuff). I hope I just don't lose control again. This is my most psychological and physiological battle, and it will take more willpower and fortitude than anything else I have ever done.
Well!!! That was theraputic, to say the least. The cool thing about this message board is that it helps you reflect on yourself, and figure out the root causes of our "problem(s)".
Tony
323/283/220
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