My goal
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My goal
| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:05am |
So, for over 12 years now I have struggled with my weight, coming to terms with food as an addiction (not quite there yet, but I'm doing better), trying to lead a healthy active lifestyle, and be a more positive role model for my son.
And I have failed miserably.
I am, for whatever reason, sabotaging everything I try.


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This is a wonderful post you started. I, myself, have had some rough experiences in my life. However, I believe this is only a factor. The foundation started long before that.
You see, I never learned how to eat as a child. I would eat when I wanted, what I wanted, and how much I wanted. Plus, exercise was never encouraged. So, I developed these horrible lifestyles early, which in turn led me to gain so much weight.
Yes, I've also been through a lot since then, and it does factor in. I believe that part of the reason I've never been motivated before is because I had not dealt with those things that happened in my life. Call it lack of self esteem, depression, whatever you want, I simply wasn't ready to take care of myself.
Now, after years of therapy, drugs, and finally a unbelievable spiritual revelation, I am ready to heal both inside and out and change those lifestyles.
I commend you for your courage to post here, and I hope that someone is able to see you through this and any other tough time. Please let me know if I can do anything.
Denice
270/265/160
Kerstin,
I have never been in therapy, although I have considered it seriously for weight issues; also I have never had a particular abusive relationship or traumatic incident to associate w. my problems. My heart goes out to those that have.
But I have spend a lot of time analyzing the triggers and emotions, etc related to the times when I gained the most amounts of weight. I did find a co-relation. I started to gain weight at the age of ten, when several friends ostracized me at school, and I learned that the longer I stayed in the lunchroom, the less time I had to spend with them outside. And I began to really focus on food. I don't really remember much from this period but my mom says I was very overinterested in food. I think it just became a safe and comfortable way to deal with a social problem that didn't last very long.
Now, however, I haven't been able to ever really lose the weight and dieting has added other problems. I dislike the idea of being off/on a weight loss program, but cannot swear to give up "dieting". I also dislike aspects of my current efforts to lose weight, which include buying crap w. aspartame etc. And although I have an ideal healthy lifestyle I would like to achieve, it mainly seems impossible for me to practically achieve. But I am trying.
So good luck with this center. I think if you really analyse carefully, you might find some small parts of your history that make a pattern you can learn to change, in therapy or on your own.
Kristrin
Well girls, I for one am grateful to all of you for sharing your stories.
Fear
Besides this being a GREAT post started by Kerstin and contributed to by many, I can also relate with many things said here. Mentioned were people who like to eat and hate to exercize. Being traumatized by peers in school. Being raped. Being in unfufilling, unsatisfactory relationships. Fear of male attention, fear of thin, being revealed, noticed, observed. Existing and being pesent and accountable.
Can anyone relate to eating not out of hunger, but FOR THE SAKE OF EATING ? To chew and swallow something of a desired texture/taste/fat & sugar content ? And not really 'taste' it ? Or be able to stop at a reasonable amount ? Or feel full ?
I do this, and when I do, I AM COMPLETLEY DETACHED from the experience. Like I never ate it (physically), but mentally I am mortified, but somehow find a way to justify it.
Where is my 'mind' when I do this ? Why can't I stop ? Right now I am at work, and I am fully aware of the assorted Dunkin' Donuts muffins in the kitchen. I had THREE last night, PLUS a bagel. And could have eaten MORE. The whole box, sh*t you not.
I went to Calorie King online and added up EXACTLY what I binged on. 1,971 calories worth of extremly unsatisfying food. 1,971 units of self-abuse. Why ? Cause it was there, and I saw it.
And there isn't anyone to stop me !
Munch munch munch, snort, chew chew chew... Am I 'full'? NOPE! Did I eat more ? Not after the bagel. I did have a decent dinner (black bean and shrimp carribbean stew I made myself)and had planty of water.
After work I walked three miles and stayed up puttering until about 3 am because my body was so pissed off at me.
I have had YEARS of therapy for several reasons and usually my relationship with food comes up. Medication helps minimally, because the power of the mind is not given enough credit when it comwes to eating, desire for food and so on. It is my mind that is hungry and unsatisfied, anxious, stressed.
I feel as if two different people exist - the healthy Amy who walks once, sometimes twice a day for several miles and eats really good food..and the crazy Amy who stuffs as much food in her face when no one is around ('cause I'd be ashamed of myself, honestly)and eat as is I will never eat again.
I, too, sabotage myself and when I get down to 156, 157 pounds, I get this signal to ease up and 'live' a little and does THAT get out of control. Then I end up back at 160, 162 ....and once I was fully dressed ready to walk and I stepped on the scale (big mistake) and it said 168. I RAN out of the house. RAN.
Today I was 161. Not happy with that. I KNOW I can get down to 150, 140. Why won't I let myself ? I must be able to, because I weigh less than I did in HIGH SCHOOL.
WHY am I hungry ? Why can't I take a pill to kill my appetite ? Why do I go to buy things like stimulants/appetite supressants sold over the counter, and always put them back?
How long is this crap gonna go on ?
Sorry about the spewage.
Amy
Well my darling, that's exactly my problem.
Fear
Often times we don't even know we don't feel good but we still eat.
There are those who believe that when we finally face the emotions we feel and accept that we are feeling them, the need for food will diminish.
furry
OMG Amy, you said some things that sent off a trigger inside me!
Thats me!
I have to add a little something.
Come visit my page and say hi!Pages