Why won't I allow myself to lose weight?
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Why won't I allow myself to lose weight?
| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 12:22pm |
I've never posted on ivillage before, was referred in a round about way from the fattitudes website. I am a stay at home Mom to one girl (4/02) and a Navy wife to my husband (9/00). I'm 5'5 and weigh 255 pounds. :o( I don't know how I got to this weight and I don't know why I can't allow myself to lose it. I have been battling my weight since childhood, up and down, up and down. I lost 50 pounds right before I met my husband 9 years ago. I lost 30 pounds before I got pregnant with my daughter. However, now, for the life of me I can't lose weight. Its all I think about, all I dream about. Every night before bed I pray to wake up skinny. I know it won't come true but I put myself to sleep at night thinking how my life would be if I did wake up skinny. And then I get up and eat sugary cereal, and sit in front of the computer doing nothing. I know I should exercise, I know I should eat better, I know how to lose weight. Why won't I do it? Something is holding me back and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. I know I use my weight as an excuse, such as, if someone doesn't like me, its because of my weight. I blame my weight for everything. I am so obsessed with it but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I set myself up on these impossible diets or exercise plans and I know I am setting myself up to fail but I can't stop. When I try to set up something sensible, I just procrastinate and never start it. I have to lose weight. I have no energy and it not fair to my daughter. She is almost 3 and she loves being outside, she loves being active and I am turning her into a couch potato because of my lifestyle. I don't want her to go through the same pain I have. I am very careful not to enforce my food beliefs on to her but I know that overweight parents often have overweight kids and I just don't want that for her. I make sure not to make her finish her food, if she doesn't want to eat it I don't make her.
If anyone has any suggestions for me, or maybe some insight because you have been there. I would so greatly appreciate it.
If anyone has any suggestions for me, or maybe some insight because you have been there. I would so greatly appreciate it.

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I think that is the $100 million question! For me anyway... I've been trying to lose weight for a long time now, and I have lost more than 40 lbs. But it has taken me a really long time, and it was 50 at one point. There's always something that keeps me from doing the things I really need to do. I keep waiting for IT to happen, that one time when I really start working hard, when I eat only foods that are good for me, and nothing can keep me from working out. The one time when I change my bad habits for good. I really wish I knew what is keeping me from losing weight. Its probably something emotional, but heck I have so many emotional issues who know which one(s) are holding me back. I honestly don't even know how to begin figuring it out...
I don't know when or if IT will ever happen for me. But I have learned that the most important thing is to keep on going. As long as I keep trying, as long as I keep getting back up there on that wagon, even if only briefly...regardless of the results, THAT is when I am succeeding. I'm only going to fail when I stop trying.
I'm hoping someday I'll get past whatever block is keeping me from my fullest weight loss potential, but until then I'm going to keep plugging along through all the set backs and slip ups. And you can do it too!!
Start small, make one little change at a time, don't overwhelm yourself. Just start doing *something*, even the tiniest step toward a goal is still a step.
Good luck to you and I hope to see you around on the board!!
Amanda
285/242.5/230(for now)
Amanda
mom to Ethan (7), Ryen (6), and Katelyn (2)
Have you read the book FATTITUDES (I noticed you mentioned the board) It's REALLY, REALLY good and will give you some insight. Personally, I wonder if it's because your every dream centers around being skinny that you CAN'T lose weight... Probably on some level, you're aware that really, thin or not, you'd still be you with your same hang ups, fears and problems. (Of course, you'd also have all the great strengths you have too!) If you lost weight though, you wouldn't be able to have the scapegoat??? Just a thought.
Anyway, I wish you tons of luck. I think wanting to get a healthy mindset/body for your little girl is great... The power of having a mom who loves and takes care of herself is a phenomenol start in the same direction for kids.
YOU CAN DO IT. Baby steps. Like today, go for fifteen minute walk (at your child's pace!) and don't snack after dinner.
I agree. I don't know if its healthy to lose weight for someone other than yourself, but I think if I started doing it for my daughter it would have more of a chance to happen. Know what I mean? I'm such a giver, and its hard for me to do things for myself so I think if I started doing this for my daughter...then it would give me more of a reason. I know I should do it for me. But whatever gets me there, right? :o)
Thanks so much for responding to my post.
-Nicole
<<>> I know, right?! Its like a whole mess of yarn that got all knotted together and I guess its just a matter of untangeling it. I wonder if that is why they say to keep a journal. I know sometimes when I write a letter to a penpal or something I will come up with insights that I didn't even think about before I sat down to write. Hmmm, I guess it would be worth a try. I'm so lazy though, even the thought of starting a journal makes me tired. LOL
-Nicole
Your story is heartbreaking because it shows the raw emotion that alot of overweight women carry around.
Well I am reading "Beauty for Ashes" by Joyce Meyers. She says that one of the underlying reasons some women are overweight is because they don't want the attention from men. This may be due to some type of physical, mental, or verbal abuse from a parent or a partner.
I think that is a true statement...even though there are many more reasons....
You can get copies of this book at ther web site address joycemeyers.com or at any WalMart or book store.
Sussie_Q
And I SOOOOOO agree with you. I think that is a reason I keep myself overweight. I forgot to mention it before. I was molested as a child and I am very uncomfortable with attention from men. I also had an abusive stepfather who was on drugs (we didn't know it then) and he would have violent fits and throw things at us. One New Years dinner he threw our dinner table against the wall, the meal flying all over us. Another time he threw a lamp at me because I wasn't doing my homework when he thought I should be. That is when I first started gaining weight, when my Mom got with him. So again, I am uncomfortable around men. Even my husband I don't feel comfortable getting any sexual attention from him. I have to go to him or I just can't get in the mood. So I think that is a big reason I keep myself at this weight. My little sister (19 yrs old) is a real beauty with the perfect body and I don't like going out with her because of all the attention she gets. Or I saw this guy at work really really flirting with this girl and I just felt so yucky inside. So one part of me wants to be sexy and vivacious, and then another part wants to hide inside this fat body so no one will pay attention to me.
Thank you so much Sussie for bringing that point up. I feel so much better since I have gotten this off my chest. :o)
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