New, but I have a hesitation

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
New, but I have a hesitation
7
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 11:53am

Hi All,

I am thinking about trying to lose the 100 odd pounds I need to lose. Let me tell you my reasons, and my hesitation.

Reasons:

1) I had my first baby 4 months ago, and the delivery was, quite frankly, a horrid nightmare. I want to have other children, but I can't physically pull it off until I lose 100 pounds or so.

2) I want my daughter to learn good eating and exercising habits, not to mention the fact that I don't want her to even touch emotional eating.

Hesitation:

I am on the verge of divorcing my husband because of the verbal and emotional abuse he has heaped on me because of my weight (and other things) -- starting from the honeymoon when he told me my body made him want to vomit, and he didn't want to have sex with me until I lost 100 pounds. I was a virgin when we married, so this was particularly devastating for me. I don't want to lose the weight, because he will win. I know it sounds petty, but that is how I feel.

Yes, I know my reasons don't include doing it for me. What can I say? I am struggling a little with depression right now, and I don't really want to lose weight for me. I do think, however, that eating right and exercising would really help with the depression.

Okay, any suggestions?

-Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:08pm

Well, exercise will definitely help w/the depression. But it will only go so far. Perhaps you need to talk to your doctor about this.

I will tell you tho, that when that little one gets going, you will want the energy to keep up w/her! They can run you ragged pretty quick.

Losing the weight will not make your spouse win, it will make YOU win....it will give you the confidence to stand up to this man and leave him and show him what he is losing. Emotional abuse is tough to get over, and you will need help with that. But knowing you can accomplish this will give you a good feeling, too.

Its not about him anymore, its about your daughter. do you want her to grow up in a house where this type of stuff is going on? No, of course you don't. Especially if he is ragging you about your weight...that will only cause HER to have problems (eating disorders, etc.).

Do this for YOU and HER.

You can do it!

Dawn

Avatar for brens2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:51pm

Welcome and ~hugs~ to you.Dawn said everything I was thinking as well...but she did it with alot more tact ;o)My choice of words wouldn't fit in with IV's TOS,lol.Anyways,You need to look at this for you health,and the well being of your daughter...not as if your husband will win in the end if you lose the weight.Hope you stay.The ladies here are wonderful and very supportive.

Bren

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 2:56pm
Denise,
Congratulations on your new little one. It sounds like it has been a rough road to this point but you are looking to do what is best for yourself and your family. Good for you! If you are feeling depressed be sure and talk with your Dr. (or even the pediatrician) about post partum(sp?) depression. Keep coming here; it's a nice place. Take care. LK
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 4:44pm

Congratulations on your new baby!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 11:17pm

Thank you, everyone, for your words of encouragement.

I agree that abuse is wrong in all its forms. I would never think of staying even a single day longer if I had any inkling that my husband would repeat on our daughter what he did to me the first two years of our marriage. My husband, however, is in therapy, reading books, and making huge changes in his life. He is no longer verbally abusive. Also, my husband has a son from his first marriage. I have seen in real life how he will treat my daughter, because I have seen how he treats his son. He is an amazing father. His formal verbal abuse towards me was connected to significant others in his life, for many reasons, BUT NOT CHILDREN. Ever since he was a child, he has studied about how to interact with children in positive, uplifting ways. I realize it may be hard for others to believe, but I am an intelligent woman, with only a dissertation left to write to complete a PhD. I KNOW my husband would never treat our daughter the way he treated me.

I want to be clear that I am no pansy. My husband treated me that way, and yes, I took it for a while, but only a while. I stood up to him and didn't let him treat me that way anymore. My reason for wanting a divorce is not because the abuse is current -- he has completed changed the way he interacts with me. My reason for wanting a divorce is because I lost my love for him while he treated me that way. I think love is something you can get back, and I am working on it. He is a wonderful father, and our daughter already adores him. Even if we did divorce, I would live next door so our daughter could spend time with him every day.

Thank you for all your loving concern :)

-Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:57am

Hey there Denise---


I dont think Ive replied to you yet so welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 8:39pm

Hi -

I'm so glad you wrote this...I often feel that losing the 150 pounds I need to lose should be a "no-brainer"...yet there are really complicated reasons for keeping the weight that I'm trying to overcome.

But honestly, as a friend put it, it comes down to this: "do you want to live or do you want to die?". Despite your husband's crap-o-la attitude, you sound like you have a LOT to live for: your little girl.

And on a catty note, look at it this way - you are going to get healthy, even more beautiful, and even sexier - and he isn't going to benefit AT ALL unless he eats some major crow! I think that would be GREAT revenge - talk about a win-win for you? Wouldn't it be great to be full of confidence and beauty, and have your husband panting for you, and you tell him how his shallowness, meanness, and horrible attitude makes YOU want to vomit? I'd say this as you sashay out the door to a world full of other men who are going to adore you, but that is just me.

Whatever you decide, good luck!!!