Thanks so much for the encouragement!
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| Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:52am |
Ya'll just don't know how much ya'll words have helped.
I've done alot better today...not great, but I don't feel as insane in the brain as I did Saturday and Sunday.
We hardly know each other, but yet, even the best of friends couldn't have came together on such a topic and helped made me feel better.
My dad is remarried, has a catering business, and has terminal colon, prostate, liver, bladder cancer. But, he has responded well to chemo and procrit shots, and has his DR. thrilled that he is still here. We don't question it...we take it day by day and cherish each moment he is with us. There are bad days. Days when daddy himself questions if it's still worth it. He's entitled to feel sorry for himself. If it was me, I don't think I'd even bother getting out of bed.
Momma lives with us. My husband and I and the dog and the 3 birds and the occasional visit from one of the kids we helped raise. My momma is just so good-hearted, and sweet, and non complaining, and brave...she doesn't deserve breast cancer...no one does really. She's diabetic also, and has a long line of heart disease in her family. It terrifies me that she might go through some of what daddy has. I don't want her to suffer, I don't want her to go through agony like daddy does on his bad days. I don't want her to be sick. I don't want to lose either one of my parents...that would mean I'd have to grow up.
I have one brother that helps daddy with the cooking business. Now that daddy can't get around much...Russell helps cook for the weddings, and company parties, and anniversaries, etc. Daddy has 2 employees, and his wife that are the backbone of all this now. He "hires" my 14 yr old neice,and my 12 yr old nephew to serve food, and pour the soda's and carry trays back and forth. The catering business is not easy work. It's one of the hardest professions I think. Planning, cooking, cleaning after a family is work enough...try for 300 people.
Since I don't help out on their jobs ( I can't...too much standing, walking) I go with daddy to his chemo if his wife needs shopping for a job. Or, I go sit with him and watch cooking shows on his bad days. To see my daddy at what he's become from doing the work of 3 people in the hot, humid Louisiana weather in the middle of the summer for a festival, or fair just tears my heart out. Up until he got sick, he was strong and healthy as an ox. Even in his late 60's.
My DH supports me anyway he can. But his job is very demanding of him right now. He works 18 hr days, and more than that on the weekends. I have to schedule an "appt" time to just be able to talk to him or have dinner with him. Most times, we are in the living room together with our laptops...him working, or me socializing, or we are in the computer room doing the same, but at least we are together.
I've worked for the PD for the past 20 yrs, and that was shift work, weekends and holidays included. . In June of last year, I was promoted and now I work straight nights. 2pm till midnight. At least it isn't all night, and there is no switching from days to nights to nights and days. But, it's taken it's toll. I still can't sleep worth a flip. 20 yrs of topsy turvy is hard to unravel. Eating patterns, sleeping patterns are all left up to whatever goes now. I would not trade my position now for anything in the world. To go back where I was would be hell on earth. I am still under a great deal of pressure, trying to learn everything I can, and do the right thing.
Being an insomniac sucks, and if I'm lucky, 3 hrs straight sleep is good as long as I can catch an hour power nap before I leave. My memory is so bad it has me uptight because I want to do the best I can. So, as you can tell, I'm lonely, and stressed, and sad, and overwhelmed. You know, I take meds for migraines...I get all the symptoms of a headache, but without the actual headache. I also take meds for depression, and it dawned on me the other day, that this medicine may do the same thing. Sometimes I feel something under my skin I can't put my finger on it. Something bothers me. A dark cloud...something. But thanks to the meds, I can't identify it and deal with it. So, how do I deal with the dull ache it leaves behind? I eat. It's not always bad feelings either. It can be good news, or boredom, or just not knowing what to do with myself. Some if it too, is obsessive/compulsion. These ff/sf snacks that are available? I ain't happy if I don't eat the whole box of them...so, I cannot buy them. I can be so sick of them, but if I ain't actively throwing up, I can still eat till it's all gone. Believe me, you don't wanna hear what happened last weekend when I ate an entire box of Girl Scout Samoa's. That is definately Satan's cookies. I am powerless over them.
Well, I never intended going on and on...now you know most of my dark side.
Well, it's 241 in the a.m. I have to bring momma to see the Dr to set up her chemo. And daddy to the same Dr for his procrit shot. That ought to be interesting having the both of them togehter in the car. If I'm lucky, I'll sleep till 5. get up, do what I have to do, get dressed, and nap in the chair till it's time to go. then I'll drop them both off to go to work and either stay late, or come in early Wednesday to make up anytime if i'm late.
so, until tomorrow...
Take care, and thanks for listening.
Stacy.

Stacy,
It sounds like you have a lot going on right now so it is no wonder that you are stressed and tired. My mom had breast and lung cancer so I understand the toll it takes on the caregiver. One of the things that helped her on her bad days was to find something to take her mind off of it and to relax her. It sounds like you do that with your dad and the cooking shows. With us it was me playing the piano and singing all of her favorite hymns. I think it would really help if you were able to get some time each day for yourself to exercise(a great stress reliever.) or to read a book. anything that relaxes you. Hang in there. Everything will get easier you just have to give it some time.
sharla