Do you ever wonder ....(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Do you ever wonder ....(m)
5
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 8:34pm

Hello Everyone,

I know this seems out there but my therapist and I were talking one day and this unknowingly came out of my mouth and it was like an eye opener.

I told my therapist that I wonder if the reason why I am unable to lose weight is because I am affraid that when I do I will either cheat on or leave my husband. OK stay with me on this. I will confess that I never in my lifetime have been faithful in any relationship except for my marriage. I think that I stay fat because I know deep down temptation would get the best of me, so not to hurt my husband I stay fat so men are not attracted to me.

Does this make any sense to any of you? This just made a lot of sense to me when I said it. He said once I get over that fear of being unfaithful it might actually be the answer to my problem of trying to lose weight.

Just wondering if anyone else can identify.

Cheers
Christie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:25pm

Hi Christie,

I am by no means an authority on this situation, but I feel as though I can relate to your feelings in part. I'm having trouble verbalizing my point of view, but suffice it to say that these feelings sound familiar.

Before I got married I had doubts about a lot of things, and I wondered if I was making the decision to marry based on fear of loneliness rather than real love. I did an enormous amount of soul searching and questioning, because I knew that a marriage of conveinience would be unfair to both of us. I eventually came to the conclusion that my fears were based on a desire for self judgement and self loathing rather than true doubt (a whole other story!).

In any case, I was wondering how your therapist suggested getting over your fear of being unfaithful? or did he/she?

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:31pm

Okay, Im really outing myself here, but what the heck...I'll lay my demons on the table. Yeah, I can indentify to that, to some extent. It's a long story and I'll spare you the details, but about 9 years ago, when my oldest son was just a baby, I asked my husband to be honest with me and tell if the sexual problems (ahem...blushing profusely) we were having was because of my weight (I'd gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy). He told me honestly that it was. Now, I'll always give him credit for being brave enough to be honest (honesty is and always has been a big thing for me), but that stung a lot. But it wasn't until about 6 months ago that I realized that part of the reason I hold onto this weight is because I'm scared. Scared that I'll lose it and the "problems" will still be there. Or worse that losing the weight will fix the "problems" and realize that it really was the weight--which would mean to me that he doesn't love me unconditionally.

So I'm not so much afraid I'll cheat on my husband, but more afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage (blush blush blush!! lol). And our relationship has improved a lot over the years. But I'll admit that this is something I'm still struggling with a bit. But I'm also learning that it isn't necessarily the weight alone. It's also about how I put myself out there (a friend helped me figure this one out). I didn't have any confidence in myself, any sense of self-worth. I didn't *feel* sexy, and certainly wasn't *acting* sexy, so why on earth would he find me that way? But over the years I've gotten more comfortable with myself, more accepting of the way I look. So I *act* sexier, and of course now I'm feeling it more because I feel a lot better about the way I look. And you know what? I can see the change in the way he acts towards me.

I'm curious, too, though, to know what your therapist had to say about that.

~Joanne

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:38pm
Wow, great post!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:49am

I havent cheated on my old man either...but, when I joined WW 3 years ago and lost 30 lbs very fast, I became very uncomfortable with the attention I was getting. My therapist, who I ain't seeing no more for other reasons, said,"stop reading more into then that and just enjoy it" I wasn't enjoying it...I hated it. I found out that that was one of the reason I gained weight in the first place.

I had a body to die for when I was younger. I was very uncomfortable with the stares and whistles from men, and the glares from their women. I was molested as a child and married sleazy co-workers made it perfectly clear they'd cheat on their wives with me...

It was like I was okay to be fooled around as an object but not anyone someone really wanted at their side.

I was shy withdrawn and quiet. It wasn't like I was a tease in every bar every weekend. I kept to myself, and never dated till after highschool, and didn't have sex till in my twenties.

I gained my weight so people would leave me alone...and they did for the most part. That's why when I lost a lot of weight on WW I became so uncomfortable with the attention I was getting, it was easy to fall off and gain it all back plus some. My comfort zone I guess.

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:56am

The cheating isn't really an issue with me, but I know I probably have lots of hang ups about losing weight. For awhile, and maybe still, I had a fear of being happy. Everytime I lost weight someone close to me died. I get scared that if I am too happy than it means something bad is going to happen to make up for the good going on in my life. I know that is silly, but I really believe that deep down.

Have you found working with a therapist has helped you with your weight issues. Did you look for one that only worked with weight issues? sharla