Crawling back on my hands and knees…

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Crawling back on my hands and knees…
6
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:08pm
I am not really new, I have been here before. I guess it was about 8 or 9 months ago. I was really active on the message board for about a month, and then I blew everything. I lost a total of about 10 lbs, and now I have put that on plus some. I am really disappointed with myself. Recently I have had some issues in my life that have caused me to start thinking about losing weight again. For one, people who might remember me know about my daughter Rhiannon, who passed away in November of 2002. Two months later I was pregnant again with my daughter Aydyn who is now 20 months old. I never really made the time to cope with my first daughters’ death, and I turned to food. When I was pregnant with Aydyn it was fine because she took all of the nutrients of everything I ate, and I ended up only gaining 10 lbs the whole time I was pregnant making me only 230 lbs the day I had her (I say “only” because I am 5’8” and when I am 220 or less I don’t see myself as fat, just pudgy which I like.) After the birth of my last daughter I gained 45 lbs in what seemed to be overnight, but it was more like 6 months. I have gone totally out of control, and it sickens me. It has changed my attitude, and it has turned me into what I feel to be a horrible and bitter person. Then in March I discovered that my boyfriend of almost 4 years and father of my two children had been cheating on me with a “co-worker.” I know it had nothing to do with weight because this woman (I think that is the nicest thing I have ever called her) was like 5’2” and couldn’t have weighed less then 330lbs, so I know weight is not an issue with him. (It also wasn’t an issue that she has a mullet!) In the past months he has seemed to have straightened his act now. I have made him quit his job, and he decided himself to go back to school. Anyway, I guess it has got to the point where I am so unhappy with myself that I act like a (insert “B” word) or so my BF has called me. I am currently and strongly trying to come up with a “comeback” plan. I need the support of this message board, because I don’t really want to involve him that much in the process. I find him to be non-supportive, and untrustworthy. I want him to see the results not only in my body, but my attitude as well. And in the long run, if it doesn’t work out (I am having a REALLY hard time getting over the anger of the whole cheating thing) then I will feel comfortable putting myself back on the “dating market.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not only just doing this to save this relationship, I am doing it for my daughter and myself. I started college again this semester (I have been taking internet courses so I wouldn’t have to go to the school because I hate the way I look.) I walked to my class the first day, and when I walked in I had to hold my breath to control my breathing so no one else could hear me huffing and puffing from walking up the walkway. It was humiliating. I could feel myself sweating and I’m sure I was blood red in the face. Then the coughing attack started. Well, there is some background as well as new information about me. I have not actively started dieting. I would like to make a plan for myself that will be easy to stick to. The only thing that I know for sure is that I feel very strongly about setting “baby” goals for myself. My first goal will be 5 lbs. Over all I would like to see if I can get down to 200lbs, but honestly if I can get down to 220 I will be happy and then decide where to go from there. I currently weigh 275lbs. My birthday is this coming Wednesday. I will be turning 27. The thought of almost turning 30 and being on the verge of almost 300lbs is taking a hell of a toll o me. If anyone has any ideas on exercise, proper nutrition, calorie intake, ect I would love to hear about it. I would also like to hear about things that are working for you all. Anything to help me set up my hopefully “no fail” plan. Thank you for listening to my rambles, thank you for any support given, and in return I hope that I can be of some help and support to all of you. Thanks again! – Christie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:42am
I remember 27. This was an age my sister and I both had a hard time with! Of course, at 42 looking back I wonder why I was nuts about it, but there it is.
I don't know how you're going to feel good about yourself with a boyfriend who is "unreliable, unsupportive" and is very obviously unfaithful. I have always admired women who try to make their marriage work because of the sanctity of marriage. You're not married to this man and it just seems to me that he has been a better sperm donor than a partner. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but men like this really irritate me.
Whatever you decide to do, I found that exercise can begin slowly, at home, with regular household items to help.
1) Cans of vegetables as hand weights
2) Leg lifts both from a sitting position (strengthens the knees and quads) and form a lying position on the floor lifting dependent leg up and down then top leg up and down.
3) Etc., etc. The internet can provide a host of exercises to start with. And eating is a matter of choice. Allow yourself everything but make healthy food choices, i.e. vegies, lean meat, whole grains, and if you have a sweet tooth, have SOME, not all. I lost 15 pounds right away just by not eating in my car. I was really packing away the calories while driving.
Blessings to you Christie - from one Kristi to another :o) <><
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 10:31am

Welcome back Christie!

I'm sorry things have been tough for you. But you know the old saying "That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger." I'm a firm believer in that saying.

As for suggestions on how to go about changing your lifestyle, there are a few things you can do. There are a few websites you can use to help you track calories. My favorite is www.fitday.com. There are others, and I am sure some of the other girls who use them will point them out. I suggest finding one that you like and using it.

Next, the inevitable exercise. It's really necessary not only to your losing weight, but also in giving you more energy and an overall happier attitude. Some of us use various DVD/Video tapes to work out to. I like the Walk Away the Pounds series. This series has such variety and you can start out slow and build up. I know a couple of girls also enjoy jazzercise, so if that's something you're interested in, I know there is a jazzercise website that will let you know if there are available classes near you. And if you don't care for any of those, just get out and walk. Walking/running is really the best way to get consistent exercise.

My last suggestion is more personal. Sit down and evaluate if you can continue to live like you are living. Make a list of pro's and con's about everything, your diet, your living situation, your b/f, all of it. Find out where your stressors lie and then work from there. Keeping a daily journal of your food AND your feelings is also highly helpful.

I'm glad to see you back. I hope you stick around and we can enjoy your successes with you!

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Fear

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 12:22pm

(((((Christie))))), I lost a daughter myself, so I know EXACTLY what you're feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 5:10pm

Hi Christine,


You can do it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 9:31am
Good luck with changing your lifestyle. You CAN do it. As for the boyfriend, once a cheater, in my opinion only, ALWAYS a cheater. I married a cheater, didn't keep him long, couldn't keep "it" at home where it belonged. I too agree with Mary. Keeping him around for the child is not good for her. Someone needs to break the chain. Let her see you deserve respect and a man who is totally devoted to the women he loves and can be faithful. Good Luck :-)Stephanie 280/255/223 for now
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 10:59pm

Thank you all for your advice and your kind words.
Klyn5: You made me laugh so hard at the “sperm donor” comment that I shot drink out of my nose! Harsh or not, it WAS funny! Thank you for the exercise ideas. I have been using workout programs on the TV that our cable company lets us watch for free. They must work, because I sweat like a pig when I do them. lol
Kcwhat124: You are totally right about me needing to sit down and weigh the pros and cons. I have never thought about doing that. It is a great idea, and it will also help me clear out my head.
Ladyirish317: Bless your Margaret, I will say a prayer for her before bed tonight. Thank you for your kind words. As for the 3 blocks, that sounds great to me! It is a lot more then I have been doing, and I admire your determination!
Blythe one: Congratulations to you! Thank you for your support!
Steph 6951: I agree totally with your opinion! You got “it” right!

I’m sorry it took so long for me to reply to this message. It has been a really busy week, but I do appreciate all of your help and support. Thank you! Christie