When spouse picks on weight often....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
When spouse picks on weight often....
15
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:47pm

Do any of you have a spouse who seems to take digs on your weight frequently? Let me give examples that have happened recently:

1. Made a bowl of soup and a sandwich for myself and finished both. Husband came into room, gasped and said, "You ate ALL of that food??"

2. Am currently getting over a bad allergic reaction that I need to take prednisone for. When I told my husband that there's a risk of diabetes with prednisone, he grumbled, "You're probably borderline now as it is".

3. Today, when I talked to him at work, he asked how I was doing on the prednisone, and his final comment before getting off the phone was, "Watch the food", because he knows prednisone can cause an increase in appetite.

4. Husband needed something from upstairs and asked me to get it for him. I told him I was comfortable watching TV and didn't want to go do it. His response, "You need the exercise anyway".

Sure, I know he married a bride of 180lbs (5'4") 15 years ago, and I now weigh 300lbs, but I am NOT a bad person!! I have a LOT of great gifts and qualities, and I feel like he just can't see past my weight. It's not like I nothing all day. I am a teacher, I do "Mom's carpool" 5 days out of every week, I do work for him for his business, I do all the outside yard work as well as all the car and house maintenance. I do all the house paperwork and bills. I care for our aging parents. I am a very very active person. He often says that he'd hate to lose me because he couldn't do all that I do each day....so why is he driving me away with these little digs??

Am I the only one who is dealing with this?

Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 6:49pm

I am so lucky to have the wonderful husband that I have. Although I have to often remind of the things that I do he is very supportive. I think what I would do is sit down with your husband and tell him how badly this hurts you. Don't lose weight because of h im you need to do it for yourself or you wil never be as successfull at losing weight or you might resort to doing it in a unhealthy way. Tell your husband that to lose weight you need his support and not the rude remarks that he is making because it only makes you feel worse about yourself.

I hope this helps.

Lexi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 7:32pm

You are absolutely right about it making me feel bad about myself. I'm typically a comfort eater anyway. So I could have a great day, all day, on my eating, and then when he gets home, he gives our son hugs and kisses, and then turns to me and says, "How'd you do with your eating today?". I mean, no kiss? No hug? No "Hi Honey, I'm home"? Just immediately to the food and weight issues. It makes me want to just break my diet and eat for a fast feeling of comfort...but then of course I feel bad because I 'blew it'. When I respond with a snappy "What, no hello?", he shrugs and just ignores me and focuses on our son.

I suppose he thinks he's helping me, and I've said to him before that his idea of "helping" just isn't helping, so when he continues to do it, it's not only hurting my self-esteem, it's also hurting my love for him. I feel like he doesn't love me if all he can see is my physical size and not the true me, and I get angry and hurt by that. As much as I love my husband, I keep feeling that there is some man out there who would "truly" love me just the size that I am, and I shouldn't have to put up with the snide remarks, ya know? I deserve to be happy.

I think Dh and I need to sit down and have yet another talk about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 7:44pm
Im also lucky to have a very supportive husband but he also knows that I would
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 11:23pm
He probably does think his comments are helping by giving you extra motivation. Men are so stupid sometimes. Definitely have the heart to heart. And Shawna's right--don't sugar coat it. My first husband acted like that to me and I know how painful it can be. I'll say a prayer for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 10:02am

I really feel bad for you. I have a wonderful husband who has NEVER said a negitive thing about my weight. I love him so much. He doesn't even understand why I want to lose weight. He thinks I should be happy the way I am. Stephanie 280/254/223 for now.

I don't think your husband is very nice and I would have a word or two with him. Sorry if I am so blunt but I have been where you are and got rid of that man. I don't beleive it is love when they constantly but you down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 10:19am

Hi Taylorblue,

Yes. I know what it is like. I hate it but it has brought me to a realization, which is mine and I don't expect anyone to share these feelings but I'm wandering through trying to make sense of things so I hope you don't mind if I share them with you.

First of all- some of the comments:

When I eat food he'll look over and say- "did you taste it?!"

"That's right honey, I know you need a lot of calories to keep your body running"

"you should only eat fruits and salads, it's explicit in the bible"

When I want to explore a weight loss program- "You don't need that. Just eat less and exercise more."

The thing is he's right in knowing that eating something quickly isn't good for me or my weight loss- but the way he says it makes me embarrassed and angry - but it also makes me conscious of how quickly I eat. It just stinks the way he says it.

There have been times where he said he loves me no matter what and that I have a pretty face and that's all he needs- well intentioned but still a little degrading. It may also seem shallow but he is not a shallow man. He just told me, if I listened, that looks matter to him.

There have also been times where he has said to me- "this is all you have to do to lose weight- eat less and exercise more-" and the truth is he is right. He's done it himself.
There are many different ways available to me to do this. He noted, one night, that I have the knowledge to lose the weight but I have just been unwilling to do it.
So- maybe to him he sees me sitting on my butt and that translates to him as my not caring about some things that are important to him like my health-or how my looks reflect on him. He sees that I want the change without having to make the effort and not making the effort is not taking me anywhere fast. So he is seeing behavior in me that he just can't respect and, you know, I don't really respect it either. That doesn't make it easier to do but I don't like this about myself and I'm going to change it and unfortunately it took understanding that he doesn't like it in me before I looked at it this way.

Ouch...Believe me- I did not like this revelation- but it brought me to this board today.

I think losing weight takes a degree of singlemindedness and a little selfishness.

That can be a hard way to be when the man in your life corners the market on those two things. I know my man has expectations that require attention from me and when that attention is on him it's hard to focus on my needs. That has been part of it for me- when his needs conflict with mine. So I intend to talk with him about that. Say something like hey- I know we both want me to lose weight and actually doing something about it is going to change some things around here. These are my prioroites- do you have any?
and hey- if you're so concerned about what I'm eating why don't you help me track some of this stuff, in a nice way, no whining- and we can go over them together later?

I am already prepared for the possibility that this may not go well. It may bring on an eyeroll or a snort. fine. just wait and see.
I am also prepared for that comment when I make my sandwich and my soup- like your partner said to you- Did you eat all of that? I've got a few answers-
Because I will be putting together nutritious meals- my repsonse will be:
Yep I did.

If he gives me guff about that then I'll ask him- Do you know how many calories were in it? No? you don't know what you're talking about.

or Honey, do you mean- Did I eat this well planned, satisfying nutritiuos meal that will help me lose weight by keeping up my energy and helping me feel full? then yes I did.

I hope you don't mind my ramblings. I can be as hard on myself as he can be.
I agree it stinks when men act this way but I am choosing not to swim around in what he says or thinks but focus on what I am feeling or thinking. That's how I'm going to reach my goal and I will just come here to get the hugs I need when the man I love becomes an insensitive idiot.

Hugs,
Miss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 2:22am

One thing on this Board you can expect and count on, is honesty. We all have similar and different opinions, and here is mine:
Does this man resemble the one you fell in love with and married? I mean on the inside, or has this come about as you've gained weight? The reason I ask is because if he isn't able to respect you and treat you with dignity while your overweight, then he sure as heck won't do it if you have something else happen with your looks. What if you were thin as can be yet suffered something disfiguring to your face? What would he do then? And what about him? Is he a real handsome guy and has no flaws? Is he extra hairy? Bald? Love handles? Etc.? It's so easy to pick apart someone we feel is an accessory for us to wear on our arm. I'm sorry but his mental abuse (and yes, you definitely are an abused wife) disgusts me. I dont advocate divorce nor am I suggesting it for you. But what is this saying to your son? Do you know he will go into adulthood mimicking his father? Being fat is not a crime, and it is often a result of comfort eating. Your husband should have sympathy and empathy for your nervousness and hurt inside that makes you want to eat to take care of emotions.

After saying that, lets focus on you now that I have the picture in my head of me verbally laying out your husband. Everyone knows that eating less and exercising more will induce weight loss. If that were it, everyone would be thin and there would be no obesity. If you're planning on "showing him" when you do lose weight, save your energy. Show your son, talk to your son, about what it's like to be inside of your body and how you are going to be healthy and would he like to take part in it? Teach him so he knows, so he can have sympathy and empathy for other women, so he can see that working together with respect and love and tenderness is God's plan. Hopefully with this extra attention from you and kind of turning a "deaf ear" to your husband's contempt will not only save how he turns out but also bring you two closer. And for your husband, he needs an industrial strength piece of duct tape over his mouth.

Keep on this Board. You have found respect and acceptance here, but don't limit it to us. The people on this Board will never be enough and never replace having love and respect in your home. Kristi :o) <><

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 9:34am

Hi Kristi,
I'm not sure if you were responding to me or Taylorblue- I hope you don't mind my responding back as if it were for me because you brought up some good points.
I appreciate your honesty. It's something I'm seeking these days. I feel at loose ends alot and I'm trying to figure life out. I hope that my post did not seem harsh or unfeeling- I'm trying to give myself the stiff upper lip routine- but I'll tell you- sometimes I just don't feel strong at all.

The man I fell in love with is an amazing man but he falls short of the soft side. I think it may be because he is vulnerable himself. He and I started dating while I was at this weight but he sees that the excess weight makes me tired and that I turn to food too much. I think it frustrates him and he is not good at approaching this so he just sort of lays the facts out there. He's cute- with some of his own flaws- but I like flaws they make a person more human. I am grappling with doubts about this relationship though- like I said this man is an amazing man- but there are some places where I would like a softer shoulder and it's just not the way he is. I have found my self doubting everything form my job, to my the new place I've moved and that comes with not knowing anybody and I'm doubting the decisions I've made but at this point thet are made and cannot be un made. I'm not where I thought I would be in life- and I feel adrift and unable to choose a direction beacuse the ones I've taken so far haven't worked out real well- so I've been a little hard on myself- taking a facts is facts view.

Taylorblue I agree take you should take a deaf ear to your husbands- or anyone's- contempt and spend your energy in a place that it will be appreciated and is rewarding.
I sincerely hope that my being hard on myself didn't translate on me being hard on you.
Everyone deserves to look in the mirror, ask themselves what they want, get an answer and set about making it happen.

Thanks again, Kristi, for your honesty. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Miss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 1:14pm
Thank you so much for your response, Miss. I appreciate you helping me understand where it is you're coming from. I feel so much for you and all the ladies who's spouses or significant others don't support or are hurtful, and I just don't know how to help. I want so desperately to offer comfort and encouragement but I really don't know how to when you don't have that on the other end. Please keep helping me learn what you need. I really do want to be a supporter and encourager and love getting that back to. Your post was wonderful and I appreciate you so much. Let's keep helping each other. Kristi :o) <><
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 7:17pm

Kristi and all who offered support :-D,

Here's an update. Had a talk with my husband about what he's been saying to me, as well as a comment my young son made to me the other day. My son and I were getting into our car, and I was adjusting the seatbelt into the little 'seatbelt guide' that is on the driver's seat, and not knowing what I was doing, he sighed and said, "I guess you're just getting too big for this car...". My husband said that he (and he believes our son also) has been trying to give me "hints" that I needed to work on my weight. He says he's concerned about my health, and although he will always love me, no matter what, he does feel I looked more attractive when I was thinner. Well, duh. LOL! Even I know that. Of course, he's put on some weight too since we got married, mostly in the belly area, but I pointed out that I've always told him he was handsome and complimented him on his appearance. I explained that the negativeness will no longer work on me. I have "had it", and I'm not going to put up with it. I will no longer allow his little "digs" to hurt me. However, they "will" continue to damage my love for him. He didn't like hearing that, but it's how I feel.

The next day, I got up and got myself into our home exercise room to work out (just a spare bedroom with a weight bench, exercise ball, and free-weights). I didn't do it for him, but for Me. Each day, for the past four days, I have gotten up early, gone into that exercise room and had a great workout. I put on some fun music and just really enjoyed myself. I blocked out any thoughts of what needed to be done around the house or for my family, and I just concentrated on me. For those 30-40 minutes, I was only concerned with myself, and it felt good to take that time for me. It's been so long since I have done that. I usually put everyone else in my life first. I also have been completely on-track as far as my eating goes.

I feel amazing. I feel like I am finally going to lose this weight and keep it off, mainly because I am, for the first time in my life (despite numerous times to diet in my lifetime), doing this for ME. I feel powerful, and I feel proud.

I have come to realize over the past few days, though much soul-searching, that I cannot make anyone love me. I cannot make anyone treat me with respect. But I 'can' love and respect myself, and "I" know I'm worth something.

I can do this.

Thank you so much for your replies and support!

Taylorblue :-D

300/300/170

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