men!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
men!!!
9
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 8:13am
well this morning started off really well, got up had breakfast a wholemeal roll with low fat vegan spread and some fruit, did my exercise dvd then went shopping everything was great until i came in the house and my dp hadn't done a thing. i have 2 kids a 19 month old and a 9 week old and i find it quite hard to get things done so him doing nothing caused a huge row which in turn made me so mniserable i ate everything in sight :(. now i feel awful and sooo disapointed with myself as i really haven't done well at all this week grr. anyway sorry i went on for so long just needed to have a rant,
emma xXx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 10:33am
I know how you feel, BUT, if you don't expect anything from him in the first place when you get home you won't be disappointed. Right? So when he does do something around the house you will appreictate it more. I do most everything because my husband puts in such long hours at work. When he does something at home for me (like right now he is installing new windows in a wall that had none) I really show my appreictation. But house work I never ask of him. It's the small stuff that can cause problems if you let it. It did take me a long time to learn not to sweat the small things that I can handle. Good luck....:-)Stephanie


Edited 7/10/2005 3:15 pm ET ET by steph_6951
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:15am
thanks its just really infuriating as he just works normal hours and i have to look after the kids on my (he barely even picks our youngest up) and they're both under 2. he had promised he would do some housework and it just really got to me when he didn't bother. i'm trying to be a lil less uptight though its just tiring looking after the kids and doing everything else too.
emma xXx
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:57am
My husband rarely helps in the housework too. It's not that he intentionally doesn't help out.. he doesn't know how. it is just that i think men don't see clutter the way we do. For him, picking up his shoes and clothes is housework. He doesn't know how to do laundry, doesn't know how to fix himself a meal, etc.
So try to expect very very little of him. I know how frustrated you can be with the baby to take care of. Just hang in there.. you know it gets better as the baby gets a little older.
Hugs
Mary
247/231?/165
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 2:52am
I don't understand, why won't he hardly pick up your kids? Does he not want them and figures it's your thing and not his? Some men are like that. I don't blame you for being infuriated, but I'm willing to guess that he's not about to change unless his environment changes. I'd do everything around him and pretty much ignore him. Throw a dust cover over him when you have friends over and bring the hose in and wash him down every couple of days (just kidding). Seriously, save your energy for the kids. A nonparticipating spouse will wear you out. Make sure he cleans up after himself (you don't need that too) and focus on the kids and you. If you don't keep care of him he will notice and you'll have his attention. He fathered the kids and evidently thinks his job is done. Hand him the baby and a diaper and walk away. (Ha, ha, ha) Take care of you and the kids. I have to go along with another post on here; don't expect much from him and you won't be disappointed. But it doesn't mean that you have to expend a lot of energy taking care of him too. You have two children, not three. Kristi :o) <><
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 3:13am

I just thought about something, some men are afraid of tiny children (this comes from a male friend of mine). If he plays with your older one, but doesn't touch the younger baby, then he might be plain scared (even if he doesn't realize it).
If that's the case, you may try encouraging him. Just hand him the baby and trust him to take care of the baby for a few minutes. Don't jump in, just let him deal with it. Only for a few minutes. If you tend to jump in and try to "correct" something he's doing, DON'T. Both you and him will realize he won't break the baby. You may be surprised on how well they bound afterwards. At least that's how it worked for my friend. (if this doesn't work, tell me to bash him for you LOL)

Mary
247/231?/165

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 1:00pm
You know Mary, it's interesting you say that about men and babies. My brother has three children and he absolutely hates their crying and not knowing what it is they want. I think he feels inadequate and ignorant (I sure see him that way! Ha, ha, ha). So his wife gets the care until they are about age 3. Good thing she's not only good at it but she is a stay at home Mom so is able to handle the house and three kids. If she worked outside the home who knows how it would work out. Kristi :o) <><
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 6:31am

Well Kristi, I hated it when my newborn cried and I didn't know what it is that he want. I felt inadquet and ignorant, but i had to deal with it. I had to figure it out. Many men don't figure it out cuz they never get the chance to do so. Mommy steps right in and men think she knows all the answers. They think that Mommy is *wired* to know everything about the baby. Ofcourse i don't speak about all women, but i defenetly wasn't *wired* to understand my baby. I struggled A LOT. And i shared that with dh. I admited i was struggling and this didn't make me less of a mother. Hubby started with a suggestion or two and that made him involved. Mark is now 15 months old and you can't belive the relationship he has with his father. I admit i am a very lucky woman.

Mary
247/236(yep again)/165

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 10:37pm
That is wonderful! I love that he has that relationship with your child. The dads being kind of removed is really old-school. I thought in this day and age men would be a lot more involved and hands-on. This has escaped my 38 year old brother. His oldest is 11, next is 5 and then the 5 month old baby. Maybe when they're all grown and married he'll have a relationship with them. Right now he just seems to be bothered by them most of the time. Not all the time but most of the time. Now Tracy, his wife, hits the chocolate when he upsets her, but she's trim. Go figure! Kristi :o) <><
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
In reply to: miss_e_uk
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 11:25am

Our situation is the same. My husband puts in long hours at work also, and when he's not working long hours at the office (with a 90 minute commute each way), he's traveling and away from home. It was very very difficult when our son was an infant to have to handle all the household and baby duties on my own. I used to get mad at him for coming home and just collapsing on the couch and not trying to help me, claiming he needed to "rest", and finally, when that fell on deaf ears, I just started finding ways to do everything myself. And that's actually what worked. When he felt like chipping in on the work, I'd thank him for the help and tell him how much I appreciated it, but I never had the expectation that he would. It became a pleasant surprise to see him doing dishes or changing a diaper. LOL :-D Now that our son is older, he's become much more involved in spending time with him, when he can, but the housework is still mine. I figure he works outside the house, and my job is inside the house, taking care of our home. :-D It still seems to work.

Taylorblue :-D