? How to live/appreciate current self...
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| Sun, 08-07-2005 - 1:07am |
Okay, I think maybe I can put this into words that make sense but bear in mind it's taken me forever to do so...
I feel like my 'real life' is perpetually on hold. It's on hold until I lose weight. It's on hold until I'm sure I'm completely over my divorce/breakup which was 6, 3 or 1 year ago depending upon how I look at it. (we didn't do the breakup thing very cleanly) It's on hold until my kids are bigger. Job aspirations/personal asperations/dating, you name it, I feel like I'm not able to do any of it. Mostly the weight is the factor. I'm wondering how you all have lives?
I feel like I don't/can't have a life until I'm smaller. I mean, surely nobody would want to date me. I can't take risks financially/job wise when I'm a single mom and fat to boot (I don't care what anyone says big girls don't get hired the same as others). I think the weight is even a bigger factor than my ex because to be honest I think the only things that hurt now are losses regarding having a partner and extended family and are not specific to HIM as a person. Meaning, I don't miss him so much as having a person in my life that I care for and believe cares for me.
Any of this make sense?? I feel like I go through my days just getting by and all the sudden I realize it's been years since my baby was born, since I was kissed/hugged by anyone other than my kids etc.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just can't deal with my older DS still being on his visit with my ex. Maybe I'm just tired. I just feel like the two main things I want to do are in direct conflict with each other and I can't get anywhere. I want to be happy with myself as I am and know that regardless of my size I have value. BUT at the same time, I want to be normal, healthy, able to buy clothes, able to not be the biggest person in the room, able to seem attractive to a guy, able to go out...It feels a little like if I fight and work to lose the weight then I'm buying into all the crap I hate others treating me as - I'll only have real ideas/value etc once I'm smaller. On the other hand, if I work to like myself as I am, then I'll never get to have another relationship/different job etc and I'll be unhealthy.
M.

Hi there, thank you for being so honest. I personally find myself feeling the same way about life. But, something that I have come to realize is this...I have as much of a right to enjoy life to the fullest no matter my weight, color, etc. Sure, there are going to be people out there who look down on us because we are bigger. But, there will always be someone else judging others...it is just life. I used to be such an outgoing person...going out with friends, going to movies, dinner, etc. Over the last few years I have really put my life on hold because I don't have enough confidence to face the world. So, lately I have to give myself pep talks throughout the day. I also feel self concience about working out sometimes...like what are ppl thinking of me??? Well guess what, I'm working out trying to make a healthier lifestyle for me...so they can kiss my booty ;-)
I don't want to have regrets like I do already of not living and enjoying life to the fullest. It is very important for me to have friends who are a good influence on me and encourage me. Below I listed something my best friend sent to me (she found it on ivillage). Please note 24 and 25.
I hope that you have sucess on your new path! I know that I have found alot of support on this board, I hope it will encourage you as well. Hun, you deserve to have a great life no matter your size..please remember that :)
50 Deadliest Dieting Mistakes
1. Having a negative defeatist attitude.
2. Going on any diet that is NOT a manner of eating that you can adhere to for the rest of your life.
3. Believing that you can eat cabbage soup -- or any other low-cal, but monotonous fare -- every day for the rest of your life.
4. Obesessing over counting calories.
5. Weighing in too frequently.
6. Not drinking enough water.
7. Drinking sugar-laden drinks.
8. Eating more bread, pasta and potatoes than proteins, lean meats, fruits and vegetables.
9. Consuming processed foods more often than fresh foods.
10. Taking the benefits away from vegetables by overcooking them.
11. Not having a plan.
12. Blaming others for your shortcomings.
13. Being quick to judge.
14. Not being aware of the nutritional benefits or detriments of what you consume.
15. Finishing every last bite of a meal, even after you are full.
16. Going back for seconds at meals.
17. Eating at "all-you-can-eat buffets" and consuming large amounts "to get your money's worth."
18. Skipping breakfast.
19. Starving all day.
20. Bingeing after "falling off the wagon" and then waiting until "tomorrow" to get back on track.
21. Thinking you are genetically destined to be fat.
22. Not believing that you have the courage to change.
23. Confusing "fat" as a personality trait.
24. Thinking you are unattractive.
25. Not living each day to the fullest... thinking that will come when you are thinner.
26. Wasting time.
27. Not finishing tasks you begin.
28. Postponing tasks that need attention.
29. Rationalizing.
30. Thinking pills, powders or potions are more powerful than they really are in achieving weight loss.
31. Thinking of exercise as a chore, instead of a way to improve your health and your life.
32. Not scheduling exercise as a vital part of your day and week.
33. Indulging excessively in alcohol.
34. Watching sports rather than participating in sports.
35. Watching too much television.
36. Not giving enough time to personal hygiene and appearance.
37. Refusing to read self-improvement materials on a regular basis.
38. Giving up and resigning yourself to being "fat."
39. Finishing the food off of your family's plates while you are doing the dishes.
40. Tasting and nibbling on food while you are cooking it.
41. Baking cookies, pies and cakes more often than for holidays or very special occasions.
42. Always having candy in dishes, supposedly for guests, but eating more of it yourself.
43. Buying unhealthy snack items "for the kids," but eating some yourself.
44. Not having vegetables and/or fruit with each meal.
45. Serving more carbohydrates than any other food group for meals.
46. Thinking that "dieting" sprees -- and not total lifestyle change -- will garner lasting weight loss results.
47. Not visualizing yourself actually living and enjoying a healthy lifestyle.
48. Not taking vitamins and proper supplements.
49. Consuming fast foods on a regular basis.
50. Waiting for tomorrow to "get started" rather than RIGHT NOW!
Barb
M -
I think at one point in all of our journey's we all feel this way.
I know how you feel. I felt/still feel the same way. I think it was very courageous to put it into words like that. When I was at my heaviest 360, I thought that if I just lost the weight that everything would be perfect. I had gastric bypass and now I'm @ 194-197. I realized something. I wasted such precious time thinking things would be perfect when I lost weight. It's not. I still have the same problems I did before I lost weight. I still feel fat, and ugly, and struggle to get out of the house some days. Don't waste time thinking things will be perfect when..... You can change your body size, but it don't necessarily mean that it will change the way you think.
((((hugs))))
Becky