Thanks everyone!
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| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 11:17am |
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied to my horrific babbling the other day. I don't have internet at home, so it was a nice surprise to come back to the office this morning and see all of those replies.
My weekend pretty much sucked, very depressing and I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. The only bright thing, I guess, is the fact that I didn't smoke over the weekend and am now 4 1/2 days nicotine free. I spent the whole weekend curled up in front of the TV with my lovely heating pad (very crampy this weekend), crying, and stuffing every bit of food I could find into my mouth. I am so disgusted with myself right now after everything I ate this weekend and I'm terrified to get on the scale.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day as I was getting out of the shower and this thought just ran thru my head: No wonder I don't have a bf, looking the way I do. Intellectually, I try and tell myself that looks shouldn't matter and that somewhere out there someone will love me for the wonderful person I know I am, but that's a load of hooey. In our society, looks DO matter, especially to men, and with that being the case, no wonder I don't have anyone. And yes, before anyone tells me, I know that there are men out there who like BBW, but I can't seem to find any here in SW Florida, and, yes, I know there are dating sites speficially for BBW and I've tried those and haven't had any luck. And, don't get me wrong, I'm really not desperate for a man, I know I probably sound like it, but really, I'm not. I've been alone a long time and I don't need a man to take care of me or support me; I'll even change my own lightbulbs, unclog my own drains, and kill my own spiders. I just hate going home everyday with no one to talk to except my pets, of going whole weekends without seeing or talking to anyone but the checkout person at the store, of going out with friends and being totally ignored or, worse, having to sit there and watch my thinner friends get hit on. I hate being the only one in my group of friends and co-workers who isn't married or in a relationship. And when you get rejected enough times, you have to start and wonder if it's something wrong with you, don't you? I mean, there are only so many times you can write a guy off as being just a total a**hole, before you realize that all can't be a**es and therefore maybe it's something wrong with you. And realizing that, it almost makes me afraid to lose the weight, because at least now I have an excuse for being alone: men won't date me because I'm fat and they're just shallow. But what happens if I lose the weight and I'm still alone? Then that must mean there's something wrong with me, right? I just want someone in my life and I deserve to have someone in my life and I hate not having that.
It's frustrating as hell right now. I'm trying so hard to make positive changes in my life: healthy eating, exercise, not smoking, volunteering, working more on my writing, etc, and I feel as if I'm still just stuck, that I'm still just poor pathetic Allison with no life, no close friends, no bf. Illogically, I think that as soon as I lose the weight then all of this will change, and I know that's not true and that scares the crap out of me.
I'm sorry, this is just a horrible case of bad self-esteem and me throwing myself a giant pity party and I'm sorry for dragging you all into it. I wish I could afford to go start seeing someone, but I don't have insurance right now and yet I make too much for the low-cost, sliding scale clinic here in the area.
I'm sorry I dumped all of this on you guys.
Allie

Allie like I said before I have been there and I do understand lonliness, not having anyone to talk to and all. I understand low self esteem as I have a problem with it myself. And throw that pity party cuz I tend to do it too. Don't feel bad about sharing, isn't that what we are here for? I can't speak for everyone else but it is why I am here, to share the good the bad and the ugly and get some support through it all so I don't lose my mind. It could be worse, you could have someone in your life and still feel all alone in the world. I am not saying this to make light of the way you feel, just giving you another side of the situation. There are plenty out there including me sometimes who do have dh's (in my case a whoe big a-- family) yet still feel so lonely they don't know what to do with themselves. I don't konw if that even makes sense to you but it happens. I am truly sorry you feel so alone and depressed, but I will listen anytime like I said before. I may not understand everything you are going through but I understand a lot of it. And something else, thin folks aren't always happy too. I know that yet they still make me sick...LOL I do hope you are starting to feel better.
Angela
Angela
That's exactly why we're here. To give and receive support. You keep plugging in and venting your heart out.
I'm sorry to hear that you're still down. More than 4 days nicotine free is a great achievement! And it may be a reason for your down mood. Nicotine withdrawal can just give you some strange angry and sad mood. I know I passed through this when I once quit cold turkey about 3 years ago. I just overreacted to everything (not that I'm saying you're over reacting, but I'm saying that