Who Am I Now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Who Am I Now?
3
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:46am

After a lifetime of being very overweight (I HATE the term morbidly obese!) at the time of my menopause I finally found a diet and a consultant (www.getns.com/skatss) that helped me lose more than 160 pounds in two years. I lost the weight and also lost being a diabetic and having high blood pressure too.

I thought all my troubles would ease a lot because of the weight loss, but other problems have taken their place. PLEASE, don't misunderstand me. I LOVE being smaller and not having to deal with the bigoted fools that feel they HAVE to tell you what they think of you if you're heavy. I love having less health problems.

But I find I can't tell who I really am anymore. I still take for granted that I am the biggest woman in the room and when I realize I'm not, I feel unbalanced. I still feel funny about going to places where there are people I don't know. I used to be judged harshly, but now (always to my surprise) I find that the foolish, bigoted people who open their foolish mouths to heavy people, think that I am on their side when they pass nasty remarks!

I've become very angry when people around me, who don't know I lost a lot of weight, say nasty things about heavy people who walk by. And worse, they look at me and attack me as if I am a trouble maker when I tell them that they are bigots who should not pass judgment on anyone. I don't tell anyone I've lost weight because then they treat me as if I have less of a right to complain about nasty remarks.

I also don't know how to dress anymore. I always went in black wearing the things I found that would fit me when I had a lot of excess weight on me. Now that I have a choice as to colors and style, I still wear black and clothing that doesn't bring attention to me. My face is shaped differently so my hairstyle doesn't work anymore.

But I also feel too old to go to one of those beauty places for a makeover. I don't want to be flashy, just a little more put together than I was. I can't wear "hip modern" clothing, so magazines don't help me at all.

I am thrilled to finally be a "normal" size so I don't have to fight for respect or my dignity anymore. But I am still that person who is certain that I'll be insulted if I go anywhere and I think I'll always feel that way.

I don't want to be friends with nasty bigoted people and will tell them off when I hear anyone say anything, but because I am now not someone who they would immediately pick on, I don't know of their prejudices right away like I used to. Sometimes I don't find out about them for a while and then I am terribly disappointed and hurt that a new friend is really someone who would have rejected me before.

I feel so shaky sometimes. I don't want to gain my weight back mainly because of my health, but sometimes I think I don't know the world anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent here. I know that people here know how I feel because you are still going through the things that still bother me.

Irene

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nutrinut160
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:18pm

Irene,
First of all, congratulations on your weightloss. What a tremendous accomplishment. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so conflicted. Personally, I find that the older I get the less concerned I am about appearances--my own as well as others. Don't get me wrong, it feels a lot better to see yourself at a normal size and to not be prejudged by others. Most of the things that make me who I am have little to do with my size: I'm kind, thoughtful, and funny. I'm stubborn, self-righteous, and opinionated. Some people judge others first and foremost on their appearance. I can't change that, and frankly I don't need or want much to do with people like that. When I was a normal weight I didn't associate with people who were critical of others weight, height, race, or physical flaws. Those things are no measure of me, why should I use them as a measure of others? People who jump to judgments like that usually feel inferior themselves in some way and need to cut others down to feel better about themsselves.

The older I get (I'm 43) the more concerned I become with how I can do a better job with the time I've been given. Even if I could walk around looking like a super model, so what? Does that leave a legacy? Does that leave the world any better off? If I help at a womens' shelter, people remember my empathy and my ability to listen and provide comfort, not the size of my butt. The same would be true at my goal weight! I guarentee you look good after your weight loss. Don't let the nasty people encourage you to focus on the unimportant things in life. You get to decide what's important. Good luck, Annie

A
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
In reply to: nutrinut160
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:51pm

Welcome to the board and congratulations on your awesome loss! Most of us here still have a ways to go, but we all do deal with a lot of the same issues. I am sorry that you are struggling with getting to know the new you. Do you or have you kept a journal? I keep a basic food diary and add comments as the day goes on, and I've found that it's really helping me this time around. I can look back on bad days and see the whole range of emotions I've gone through and get ideas to help me out. If you don't already keep a journal, try it, you might find that it helps you get out a lot of the bad feelings you have and helps you really figure out yourself. As far as clothes go, I say just try, try try again! Look for a few basics, like some nice jeans, dress pants, skirts and tops adn then work with those. As I'm losing I've been buying new jeans, and I usually have to try on every pair of jeans at the stores I go to to find one pair that I like, if I'm lucky. Try on stuff you don't think you'd like or look good in because you might be pleasantly surprised, I know I have been a few times.

Finally, try not to let the stupid people get to you. I've dealt with both those who look down on heavy people AND those who look down on skinny people. You'd be amazed at how cruel some people can be, and it usually stems from unhappiness with themselves. Unfortunately we cannot change other people or teach them manners, so it's something we usually have to deal with. It sounds like oyu are on the right track with speaking your mind, but maybe you can word it differently? If they aren't responding to what you are saying, try telling them that you aren't comfortable with it and that you would appreciate if they could refrain from talking that way. That way you are making it about you and not about them. Sometimes people respond better to that sort of thing. If not, then know you've done your best and avoid them as much as possible.

Good luck dealing with everything and congratulations again!

Staci


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
In reply to: nutrinut160
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 8:47am

First I want to congratulate you on your fascinating weight loss.. you really motivate us to keep going!


I met a lot of people who ridiculed others for their looks.. and not only for being overweight (although that's always an easy target), but the same people would redicule hair styles, fashion, you name it.. it's just the way they are.. and the worse thing is they think it's fun. I

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