Letting it click - especially for im_jan
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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 11:22am |
I was reading Jan's post under the today show, and I had totally been where she was, where many of us are. And it being the start of a New Year - I want to offer happiness, and hope and encouragement.
for many many years, I just allowed myself to get fatter and fatter. Up to 314 lbs. I was slowly killing myself due to being completely unhappy in my life, which I didn't even know then. I was numb and just didn't care at all how morbidly obese I was getting. I looked at the number on the scale, and completely got depressed, and would think why even bother? It would take a ridiculously long time, I was terrified of giving up foods I loved. I still don't even know why the thought of giving up MacDonalds, Pizza, fudge, or w/e I felt like eating, terrified me, other than I think it was the only happiness that I received, the taste allowed me to feel instead of being numb.
I came here many times thru out the years, watching the wonderful women on this board, trying what they suggested, participating in games, till I just gave up and did other things and would quit coming here. And still got fatter and fatter. I couldn't participate in any of my son's life, cause I would get too tired, I hated to exercise - I used to joke that if I thought about exercising, I would take a nap until the insane notion past. ;) I looked in the mirror naked and watched my stomach start to flab down over the top of my thighs, and I would feel like throwing up, but instead, shrugged it off and would dress and get something to eat, just giving up on everything. I was a size 28/30 - and I was starting to even have problems finding clothes that fit in the plus size section at walmart.
Now for the happiness part :)
One night, I had coffee and tried the Splenda in it, and it tasted awesome :) I was thrilled and thought, not bad at all.. I went to bed, when I woke up, it clicked in my brain. I allowed it to click and stay there. I relaxed my shoulders and took a deep breath and thought, you know what? I'm NOT going to diet, I am going to eat what I want when I want, I am just going to do three things I know I can do for the rest of my life. That's it. Just three, and no matter what, with just those three things, I will feel better.
The three things I chose: Give up sugar one hundred percent (we have ALOT of diabetes in my family), increase my water, and walk. I'll be honest the walking didn't come for another 6 months later, it was still too hard to move my body. But I did give up the sugar and increased my water. I didn't even think about the weight loss, I was more encouraged and in wonderment what sugar had done to my body. By giving it up, my face got more color, immediately the swelling that I always took for fat went down, my period became regular for the first time since I ever even started having one. I didn't need as nearly as much sleep as I was getting. For weeks I just kept looking at my face in awe. then about 3 weeks after I started, I stepped on the scale. I had lost 15 pounds. Just by doing the two things.
I was so encouraged, that I didn't have to give up pizza or macd's to do this, I would still be able to have my comfort foods, if I needed it. After actually stepping on the scale, and seeing the simple progress, I was sooo encouraged that I decided to find something else to do for the rest of my life. I pretty much decided that I ate way too much pasta, and wouldn't eat it anymore than a few times a month. I decided instead of getting the large meal at MacD's I would just get the medium meal, or the kids meal even. And I started to lose more! Holy Crap, I said to myself, This is EASY! I just couldn't get over it. I took a business trip to Atlanta and for the first time in years, I didn't need a seat belt extender, When I landed and got to my room, I called my mom and told her about it and started crying, in not being embarrassed to ask for one. My only problem was my husband at the time - but that is a different story. We ended up seperating, he didn't realize how much he was sabotaging me, and he was a major reason for my unhappiness... but like I said, seperate story.
Around June, I had lost about 50 pounds and was stalled around the 260's. I was getting a little frustrated, but didn't know what else to do. But I was getting so much encouragement from friends and family, and I was feeling so amazing about myself, that I wanted to figure out a way to keep going. I went to a weight clinic in August and they put me on phentermine, and b12 shots, then I FINALLY picked up walking at lunch time. This was the perfect time for me to exercise, I was loving getting away from the office, I still had energy (I'm not a morning person, and exercising when I got home, didn't work cause I was too tired) I loved the walking, I would do it with my head up, and my stomach sucked in and I felt sexy. My confidence was starting to turn mens heads even though I was still obese.
Encouragement part time:
This is starting to get long, so I'm gonna stop here. But what I want you to get from this, is that IT CAN BE DONE. and it CAN BE DONE easily. You just need to LET IT CLICK! Never look at the big picture of where you need to go, until you are in control of your body again. Just relax and pick something you know you can do for the rest of your life :) I am sooo positive that this works, and I really and truly LOVE to lose with you.
PLEASE join me this New Year and lose with me :) It's a beautiful thing, we are beautiful people, let your fat suit that you think is comforting you and protecting you go away. Let the healthy you come out. LET IT CLICK!
*hugs to everyone of you beautiful women*
~ Kim
314/231/135
PS. as some of the seasoned posters on the board will tell you, I'm big into Splenda and Isometric exercise. And I'm dating again. :) and believe me some of these guys are HOT! I can't believe they think I am sexy. But they do, so I won't tell them they need glasses, lol.

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Kim,
Thanks for posting this and sharing some of your 'story' with us.
Thank you so much for writing this to us! You made me tear up a little but in a good way. I just love your positive outlook (I try to have one as well).
I too love Splenda! I have only used it on oatmeal though as I am not a big sugar fan. I have been cooking Quick oats most mornings and just tried Splenda Brown Sugar and OMG how good!! I just add a teaspon (or two) as it is cooking and it is all I need.
What is Isometric exercise though? I have not heard of that before?
Thanks,
Melissa
I was a big sugar eater - Iced Tea, soda, donuts... I drank most of my sugar, now I even use splenda on pancakes instead of syrup. - tastes like funnel cake :) (not exagerating at all - it's awesome)
Here is a definition of Isometrics: the term "isometric exercise" means tensing a muscle and holding it in a stationary position while maintaining the tension. It turns out that isometric exercises are especially helpful to people recovering from injuries that limit range of motion.
I do it by keeping my stomach sucked in EVERYWHERE I walk. Even to the bathroom, or the copier, just keep it sucked in. It's helped my back, strengthening it, and my posture, and just that alone, gives me a feeling of power and confidence. I clench my butt and thighs when I think about it, when I'm sitting at the computer. I have lost a lot of inches off my waist, due to this.
I am glad you guys are reading this, because I'm seriuos when I say I am totally ecstatic to lose with you :)
*hugs*
~ Kim
314/231/135
I am new here and I just wanted to tell you I cried as I read your story. Thank you so much for being encouraging. I need someone (other than my size 8 sister and my size 4 best friend) to tell me I CAN do this. I weigh 265. I want to wear "real" clothes. I don't want to shop in the fat section. I don't want my thighs to rub together when I walk. I want to enjoy going to the waterpark that is 2 blocks from my house.
I really really appreciate your story. I feel like I am the person you described in the beginning. I'm rambling...but thanks.
Samie
Wow! What a story, thanks for telling it. I couldn't stop reading and I am so excited that you said you stopped eating sugar and you saw a big difference. I keep thinking I should stop eating it too but then I think, well, how much difference does it make. Obviously, because of your experience, a lot!! Congratulations on your success!! How did you get past the first week? the second week? How do you keep it going? I always say I am going to not eat sugar and that lasts about a day!
I am also intrigued by what you said about being unhappy, although you didn't know it. When did you realize it? What made you realize it? I always think that I am unhappy for some reason - I must be because I have such a weight problem. But I can't think what is making me unhappy. Except, of course, my size! But I am really interested in knowing how you figured it out?
And I love your last paragraph. Joining you in the new year to lose, get rid of the fat suit and let the healthy you come out - let it click!! I am hoping that by talking to wonderful people like you and reading others stories that I can accomplish that!!
Thanks, Happy New Year - and I wish you unending success!
A most excellent post, Kim! I think there is something in all of us that has to "click" before we see the light. For me, it was portion control. I didn't necessarily eat that bad most of the time, I just ate way too much. And I'm only 5'0" tall, so everything seems to go right to my lower half. Cutting the portions to recommended sizes and eating something healthy every 3-4 hours has really helped me to finally start losing again. I'm not hungry all the time, in fact, I do the most damage when I'm bored and just feel like eating anything I can find. Now I try to find something else to do.
Exercise will be my next hurdle. I'm promising myself to go back to my gym and start weight training and also work in 30 minutes of cardio every day, whether at the gym or at home. Now that 2007 is here, I'll commit to that more seriously.
Happy New Year to you, Kim, and to everyone here. May 2007 be our best year yet!
Mary
247/221.5/135
To stop the sugar, I replaced it with Diet coke with splenda, and just about anything else splenda. Bryers has a splenda ice cream. I have made lemon meringue (sp?) pie with splenda. If I have a sweet tooth now, I microwave an apple with cinnamin and splenda, or two pancakes with the splenda (told you, tastes like funnel cake - lol ;) )
The first day wasn't hard actually, because it had clicked that I was ready for this. And I LIKE splenda. so to have a suitable replacement for sugar was fantastic. I was allergic to aspartame and sweet-n-low is just gross to me. Plus, recently my news did a report that aspartame can actually trigger overeating in your brain chemicals. Not sure how it works. But, since Splenda doesn't do it for me, I am inclined to agree. My one girlfriend, I keep trying to get her off the NutraSweet (aspartame) so that she can lose too - she needs to lose as much as the rest of us. But she hasn't done it yet...
It only took three days for me to start to see a change in my face getting off the sugar. I experimented a bit in the beginning, and would have candy just to see what would happen. And I would wake up the next day completely puffy and groggy, and pasty. I hated the feeling so quit experimenting - lol. Now if I choose to have a sweet with actual sugar I do it VERY consciously, knowing I'm gonna wake up feeling like I have a hang over. And usually, I skip it. But sometimes, like when we were camping, I really wanted that s'more or when I "fell off" the wagon and ate almost a dozen donuts, I did it knowing how my body would react. I really hated it, so it's been no sugar for a month again now. (wait, I did have the two christmas cookies my son left out for santa - he is starting to check the trash now to see if I threw it out and they were the only two cookies we had since I didn't make any this year, I got them from a friend, specifically for Santa lol.)
I am as anti-sugar as some non-smokers are anti-smoking lol.
The other question you had about being unhappy... That one is a lot more tough. I met a guy (yes, while still officially married) that I connected with. It was on the internet, so he had no idea how huge I was, by the time I let him see an actual picture, I had already lost 50 pounds ;) ) but he made me laugh online, and made me angry and for the first time in five years I was feeling again.
My husband, unconsciously always sabotaged my weightloss attempts. We have since talked about that - and it was because he was afraid another guy would snap me up and I would leave him. Which never really happened, but it then worked in the opposite way. He made me feel so worthless and insecure that I had just 'existed' in the world to breathe air and be there for my son, He wasn't happy and I wasn't happy in our marriage anymore.(he wasn't abusive, we just stopped having regular sex years ago. It would only be once or twice a year, so it made me feel undesirable and i should just be grateful that I had a ring on my finger) But anyway, he kept me fat by bringing home anything he could think of that would tempt me from a diet (candy, macd's, high fat foods) and I was insecure on my worth and just became numb to life, not caring about me anymore, not caring if I was fat, not caring that I hadn't cried in 3 years or had a happy light in my eyes in any picture for the previous 7 years.
But, the guy who started to make me feel, pretty much woke me up to what I was unhappy about. He didn't even know he did this until much later. My husband and I hadn't slept in the same bed in months, hadn't had sex in a year and we officially seperated in June, and in a few months our divorce should be final. After the official seperation, the guy from the internet and I started to meet in RL and get to know and feel for each other in RL too. However he and I aren't really "seeing" each other anymore. another long story, and the result was falling off the wagon and the donuts, *sigh*.
So that is my Dirty Little Secret on how I figured out that I was unhappy. And helped me find what it was that was making me unhappy (not feeling passion or love from my husband and that I felt ugly and insecure) I still have issues with that, and the guys that I am dating now, keep telling me I'm fishing for compliments, whenever I shrug off their words of sexy and beautiful. It's gotten to the point now, that I just thank them, and kiss them to make them shut up, lol.
If you think your weight is because you are unhappy, then it probably is, but you still should rule out thyroid and see a doctor first. If it isn't that, then start to examine around you where it is that you cringe when something happens. For example, for years, whenever I heard the door open, i would cringe inside knowing that my husband was home. I just hadn't realized it then. And actually only realized it a few months ago when I heard the door open and I cringed then remembered, wait, he doesn't live here anymore. It's not him. Terrible I know, and it sounds like I lived with a monster that I was afraid of, but it was just because when he walked thru the door, I knew that I was ugly and undesirable... and I would feel worthless.
I'm guessing this isn't what you were expecting ;) But I will always be honest with any questions, I refuse to lie to myself anymore and will not lie to anyone else either.
~ Kim
314/231/135
Kim,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences. That is too bad that your husband made you feel that way, but good that you found out what was going on.
I don't have that same problem...my husband always makes me feel loved ... and sex, when he's home, is just fine. I'm wondering if that might be part of my problem - that my husband is away a lot for work and that even though I don't mind spending time alone, that I am bored and lonely and try to fill that space up with food. He doesn't try to sabotage me, in fact, I'd fall off my chair if he ever brought me a donut or fast food...and he does encourage me in all of my attempts at losing weight, so I don't think it's him.
I've also been checked out by a doctor at various points in time. So far, no apparent signs of thyroid problems.
I will try the experiment with sugar though. It is really hard for me to not eat sugar in the form of especially donuts and cookies - or plain or peanut m&m's. I do eat Splenda but don't think to buy things that are sugar-free, like ice cream...so I will look for them. I did recently buy sugar free jello and pudding and cool whip and will try to look for other things.
Good luck to you. I have to tell you I woke up with such excitement this morning because I feel like I'm starting a new beginning. I did fairly well yesterday with my eating and have been exercising for the last 4 or 5 days. And just reading other people's stories, like yours, and making a connection with people through this website has really energized me. I have to run to leave for work now - but have a great day! Keep in touch!
Thanks again!!!
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