What is wrong with me?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
What is wrong with me?????
11
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 6:54pm
I don't understand what my deal is!!?? Why do i constantly sabotage myself? Why can't I maintain the desire to lose weight. Of course it's always in the back of my mind, and recently that's where it's been staying. I mean not even a week ago I was all gung-ho and ready to do it right this time, and I've already let myself go. I can't do it, I dont know how to do it.I can't convince myself that I even deserve to do it. I've failed so many times in the past, so why should this time be any different. Help guys. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and depressed. All I want to do anymore is sleep, because i don;t feel like dealing with anything, and yeah I know that that is not the answer. BUt I ust don;t know how to want this more. Much less can i even understand why I don;t want it more. What is wrong with me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:07pm

I read something once suggesting that it was incredibly hard for those of us who have been overweight for long periods of time to lose any substantial amount and keep it off because we are 'comfortable in our own fat' in a way.

So something that I did was to make a list of the reasons that I was afraid to be skinny. It seems odd, since I really really want to be skinny, but it's really easy to be fat sometimes. It's easier to blend in and not be noticed, not be bothered. So once I sat down and wrote out the reasons that I was really nervous about losing weight and thinking that I look good, I was able to start dealing with those issues.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again if I think that it might help someone. I have dealt with major depression for a really long time (going on 13 years now). And along the way I have had major ups and major downs. Just recently I came out of a rut where I had the same exact problem. I wanted to change and I wanted things to be different, but all I felt like I could do that moment was sit around and wallow in things the way they were. I felt hopeless to change. I kind of just wanted out of reality, stay in bed all day, not deal with work, not deal with people, eat whatever I wanted and pretend that it didn't really matter.

I had to come to a place where I could really take a rational conscious look at what I was doing to myself. I posted this in my journal also, but I really found that it helped to try and readjust the way that I looked at everything. Now when I pick up a piece of food I look at it and say, this is not just a piece of food, this is my health. Does this represent what I want my health to be?

I ask myself these questions about everything around me, my home, my job, my relationships. Every action that we take on a daily basis makes up our lives. We are not just waiting around for when things get better so that we can jump back in and live again. This is your life now, this is my life now. This is it.

Trying to tackle something like losing weight can feel huge. It's really important just to look at the little changes that you can make to try and get things under control and feel manageble.

Pick up a water bottle and take a sip. You've started. Have a salad. You've started.

Once you start, even with these little things, each new step becomes easier and easier. If you feel good about what you did 5 minutes ago, it will make it easier to make a good choice now. If you feel good about what you did yesterday, it will make it easier to make a good choice tomorrow.

Sorry for the rant. I just really really feel for you. I've been there, time and time again. Each time I say, this is going to be it. I will change my life forever THIS time.

But each time we slip it's not a failure to rack up on the wall with what we perceive to be all the others, it's just another step along the path. And each step you take is different, so you have the chance to make the next step in a different direction. It's up to you to choose where your next step takes you.

*HUGS*

I wish you the best. You are worth feeling worthy!

Peace


~Bonnie~



Peace ~Bonnie~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:32pm

Jenifer,
There is nothing 'wrong' with you. This journey is incredibly difficult. It is a little like crossing the United States in a covered wagon. You might want to go to California, but you have to be ready. You have to make a plan. You have to get the supplies you need. You have to expect to encounter obstacles along the way, and both have some strategies planned to deal with them and be ready to deal with some things at the time they happen. You'll have to detour. You might have to go backwards. You'll need some places to rest and find support along the way.

When you look at the effort it will take, you might think 'I do want to go, not just yet'. Or you might think 'The longest journey begins with a single step' and make the first step. Maybe you'd like to increase the amount of water you drink. Maybe you'd like to walk a few times a week for 20 minutes. Maybe you'd like to stop drinkng soda or eating fast food (or cut back. For me, the biggest truth is that this takes a long time, and I've made a million little changes over several years. I haven't had big, dramatic losses, but its been steady progress.

Everything you need to know about this journey is inside your head - and if it isn't, the ladies who post here will help you out with 'directions'.

If you are ready for this journey-and for me, it has not been as much about what I eat but about how I feel about what I eat-then welcome to the journey. We laugh, we cry, we have great days and not-so great days as we go along but we keep going.

If you are not ready yet, that's OK too. If you just keep reading the board, you'll learn more about what this takes and maybe that will help you be ready.

Best wishes
SJ
225-170-135

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:03pm

Some really powerful emotions in your post, that's good to vent. Take some time to understand why you sabotage yourself ... or if it really is that or just a few human foibles. Talk to a trusted friend ... and then listen. Maybe you are too hard on yourself. Look at your sleep patterns, maybe you aren't getting enough good clean sleep. It's hard to stay on track and keep up with good choices if you are truely tired. Part of the journey is taking care of all your needs, not just losing weight. It's just as important to sleep well, have connections with those that you love, and feed your mind. Find a hobby or just try new things, life doesn't stop because of what we weigh, we all deserve to have joy in our lives but it starts with taking ourselves to new adventures and challanges, changing the focus from what we don't do to what we experience.

It can be hard, but find the joy in every day life. The still calm of the stary skies on a morning walk. The love of a good dog! The smell of Lilly's or Roses. We all have out triggers. If you're feeling a little low ... find your non food happy triggers.

Hugs to you!

Colleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:37pm

I know exactly how you feel and while I have my ups and downs I am still down 15-16 lbs since the middle of Jan. and down 20 lbs since last year. I have alot of personal issues to deal with and having noone to really talk to, I turn to food alot, but I have made some good changes one being no soda since Jan 8th. Don't be so hard on yourself, and look for the good everyday, it help me.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 8:43am

I am not sure what your reason for sabotage is.. but this is what happens to me. I usually gave up for the following reasons:


Attempting to do many things at the same time...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 9:15am

Hon you are not failure and you are not doomed, you are just human and as all us humans do sometimes we stumble.


Everyone on here has given FANTASTIC advice and they are all super smart women. I hope that one of their suggestions helps you. For me it is all about slow and steady, changing little by little, and I had to get out of the lose weight mindset and get into the I want to get healthier mindset. So now I am focusing on getting active and trying to eat better and if the weight comes off then I will be tickled. I do want to lose but I am not focusing solely on that, I am focusing on getting healthier.


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Angela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 7:16pm
Bonnie, your message was so wonderful to read. I have felt so overwhelmed by my weight loss goals that I have ahead of me. I have been thru this so many times, that I can't even count. I recently quit smoking and although, I am proud of myself for that, I am now heavier now that I have ever been. I really appreciated readin your message and knowing that I am not alone. Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 6:24pm

Thank you all for your encouraging words. It helps to hear (or read) them. As I sit here and feel completely guilty for eating almost and entire container of "light" cookie dough ice cream with strawberry topping and grahm crackers (which by the way is an awsome combo)I know that you all are right. I shouldn't dwell on my mistakes. I need to move on and continue with my journey. I need to make one step at a time. And maybe I say that because I feel like I am about to throwup all of my consumed dairy and sugar combo, but maybe I'm realizing that I'm trying to do too many changes at once. Thank you for all of the advice!

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 7:55pm

That's it girl! I have 145 Lbs to lose! After that, my husband and I are going to TTC and I feel the pressue! We are behind you 100%! If you fall off the horse, get back on!

If you gain two pounds, don't be so hard on yourself! Just focus on how great you will be doing once you lose the OTHER pounds you are working on! It's ok to slip up, it's human! Just make sure that as soon as you slip up, you begin planning your progress. I've found that little goals tend to help too!

Wishing you LUCK!

Alyssa
328.8/315.2/170

13.6 pounds down!
145.00 to go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 3:05am

Hi

I been there done that, but I finally found what works for me! I started at almost 400 lbs at the beginning of march and now I'm down to 355. Things are good, haven't felt this good in a decade! To get weighed I had to go to a truck scale! Already I feel so good I can go for a good long walk with no problems. I have gotten past any cravings and now only want a nice meal! I used to come home in the am from a school bus job and be sleepy all day only watched tv, no excersise. Now I feel so good I hate to miss the gym. I have a lot of support around me and the plan sets up not to fail! So find what's right get some support figure out your y. Read only positive and helpful books or mags!I need to lose about 150 more and I hope to lose down to 280-290 by June 30! I have determination and want to live to see my grand kids!

Mark

Choosinlife

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