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| Mon, 04-23-2007 - 9:44pm |
Hello everyone! I am hoping to join your group for some motivation and support. I am finally getting back on track and would like to stay there!
I am 30 years old and have been overweight most of my life. I hit my high weight about 3 years ago when I was 240 pounds. Looking back, I can see now that I was struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety back then. I avoided mirrors and cameras at all times. My turning point came one day when I really looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself anymore. I started walking and counting my calories. I was so out of shape and had so much fluid retention that I lost about 20 pounds in one month!! That was a feeling of euphoria that I'm still trying to unsuccessfully chase! :) Gradually I settled into a more realistic 1-2 pound weight loss per week until I was down to 185 pounds. I hit some small plateaus along the way, but kept pushing myself through them.
At 185 pounds, however, my body hit a major plateau when my motivation was getting pretty low. It was winter, and my job was getting more stressful. I tried changing exercise routines and eating habits, but nothing helped. I was not able to lose anymore weight after that, but did a fairly good job of maintaining my weight.
Things have been changing over the past year, though. I had two miscarriages, so my husband and I are still trying for our first successful pregnancy. I had already been off my antidepressant medication during the pregnancies, so the losses hit me pretty hard. I pain I felt was indescribable. I blamed myself every way I could, and honestly I still think I carry that blame with me now because of my weight issues and stress. During that year I also gained back about 15 pounds. I want to get myself going again to give us the best possible chance with the next pregnancy!
I have found over the years that I am a great planner. I map out walking and running schedules and organize intricate meal plans with nutritional information. I read informational articles on the internet and chart out weight loss goals. I even buy the equipment and order the videos. My problem involves actually following these plans, however. This cycles into more disappointment with myself and reaffirmation that I will not reach my goals. Even when I was exercising, I felt guilt because I didn't do everything in my plan.
So about one month ago, I threw away the treasured plan! I went back to counting calories in my notebook, because that's the only way I've been successful in the past. There is no trainer or doctor critiquing my progress, so I only have to be honest with myself and accept my own consequences. The first 3 days of calorie restriction were a nightmare! I remember the hunger translating into intense feeling of anger. Angry that I let things get this far, angry that I couldn't eat like other people, angry that I had lost the comfort of food when I was upset. Things got better, though, and my body started to adjust. I came to accept this was no diet. This is real life. This is what "normal" people eat. Not an entire box of cookies or bag of chips in 1-2 days.
I also started to control my bad habit that I refer to as "defensive eating." Whenever a treat came into the house, I acted like it was a prized possession to be guarded. I had to get my fair share before they were gone! If others had a treat, I wanted some type of indulgence as well. Gradually I realized I was just hurting myself. The store was never going to run out of cookies. I have money to go buy more whenever I want. Now I challenge myself to bring just healthy snacks into the home.
I am back to 185 pounds now. I try to remember the point of exercise is just to MOVE and have fun, not meet a goal or check off a list. If I want to walk, I walk. If I feel like running, I run. I'm still scared for the next pregnancy, but want to look forward to a positive future!!
Sorry this post got so long. But it was very therapeutic to write if nothing else!! You all seem like a great bunch of people, and I'm looking forward to more progress in the future. :)
KD
240/185/140

KD,
Welcome to the board - you will find so much help and support here - some people are great at (((hugs))), some at 'get yourself moving' - we are all struggling - we all have ups and downs - and we all know what it is like to be on this very long journey.
I loved what you said about 'defensive' eating. I never thought of it that way, but I know exactly what you mean.
Best wishes on your journey.
SJ
225-169-135
Welcome aboard KD!! And WOW what a story! Congratulations on your dedication and on all the weight you lost up to date. Even when you started to re-gain after the stressful times you've been through, you didn't give up and you lost what you gained. Way to go!!
I wish you continued success with the rest of the weight (you're already more than half the way there WOHOOO!!!) and wish you all the luck with a successful pregnancy
Hi KD,
Welcome aboard!
Annie
"We do not think ourselves into new ways of living. We live ourselves into new ways of thinking."  
Thanks to everyone for your support! I think this board is exactly what I need to keep pushing forward in the right direction. I helps so much to have others for support who are going through the same experience. Good luck to us all!! :)
KD
240/185/140