Looking for support

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Looking for support
4
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 9:44pm


Hello everyone! I am hoping to join your group for some motivation and support. I am finally getting back on track and would like to stay there!

I am 30 years old and have been overweight most of my life. I hit my high weight about 3 years ago when I was 240 pounds. Looking back, I can see now that I was struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety back then. I avoided mirrors and cameras at all times. My turning point came one day when I really looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself anymore. I started walking and counting my calories. I was so out of shape and had so much fluid retention that I lost about 20 pounds in one month!! That was a feeling of euphoria that I'm still trying to unsuccessfully chase! :) Gradually I settled into a more realistic 1-2 pound weight loss per week until I was down to 185 pounds. I hit some small plateaus along the way, but kept pushing myself through them.

At 185 pounds, however, my body hit a major plateau when my motivation was getting pretty low. It was winter, and my job was getting more stressful. I tried changing exercise routines and eating habits, but nothing helped. I was not able to lose anymore weight after that, but did a fairly good job of maintaining my weight.

Things have been changing over the past year, though. I had two miscarriages, so my husband and I are still trying for our first successful pregnancy. I had already been off my antidepressant medication during the pregnancies, so the losses hit me pretty hard. I pain I felt was indescribable. I blamed myself every way I could, and honestly I still think I carry that blame with me now because of my weight issues and stress. During that year I also gained back about 15 pounds. I want to get myself going again to give us the best possible chance with the next pregnancy!

I have found over the years that I am a great planner. I map out walking and running schedules and organize intricate meal plans with nutritional information. I read informational articles on the internet and chart out weight loss goals. I even buy the equipment and order the videos. My problem involves actually following these plans, however. This cycles into more disappointment with myself and reaffirmation that I will not reach my goals. Even when I was exercising, I felt guilt because I didn't do everything in my plan.

So about one month ago, I threw away the treasured plan! I went back to counting calories in my notebook, because that's the only way I've been successful in the past. There is no trainer or doctor critiquing my progress, so I only have to be honest with myself and accept my own consequences. The first 3 days of calorie restriction were a nightmare! I remember the hunger translating into intense feeling of anger. Angry that I let things get this far, angry that I couldn't eat like other people, angry that I had lost the comfort of food when I was upset. Things got better, though, and my body started to adjust. I came to accept this was no diet. This is real life. This is what "normal" people eat. Not an entire box of cookies or bag of chips in 1-2 days.

I also started to control my bad habit that I refer to as "defensive eating." Whenever a treat came into the house, I acted like it was a prized possession to be guarded. I had to get my fair share before they were gone! If others had a treat, I wanted some type of indulgence as well. Gradually I realized I was just hurting myself. The store was never going to run out of cookies. I have money to go buy more whenever I want. Now I challenge myself to bring just healthy snacks into the home.

I am back to 185 pounds now. I try to remember the point of exercise is just to MOVE and have fun, not meet a goal or check off a list. If I want to walk, I walk. If I feel like running, I run. I'm still scared for the next pregnancy, but want to look forward to a positive future!!

Sorry this post got so long. But it was very therapeutic to write if nothing else!! You all seem like a great bunch of people, and I'm looking forward to more progress in the future. :)

KD

240/185/140

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 10:08pm

KD,
Welcome to the board - you will find so much help and support here - some people are great at (((hugs))), some at 'get yourself moving' - we are all struggling - we all have ups and downs - and we all know what it is like to be on this very long journey.

I loved what you said about 'defensive' eating. I never thought of it that way, but I know exactly what you mean.

Best wishes on your journey.

SJ
225-169-135

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 9:41am

Welcome aboard KD!! And WOW what a story! Congratulations on your dedication and on all the weight you lost up to date. Even when you started to re-gain after the stressful times you've been through, you didn't give up and you lost what you gained. Way to go!!


I wish you continued success with the rest of the weight (you're already more than half the way there WOHOOO!!!) and wish you all the luck with a successful pregnancy

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 10:12am

Hi KD,


Welcome aboard!

Annie

"We do not think ourselves into new ways of living.  We live ourselves into new ways of thinking."  &nbsp

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:17am


Thanks to everyone for your support! I think this board is exactly what I need to keep pushing forward in the right direction. I helps so much to have others for support who are going through the same experience. Good luck to us all!! :)

KD

240/185/140