The Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
The Issues
9
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 12:20am

It's coming up on 2 weeks I've been dealing with these and I've only made it to the gym once (yesterday) since this all began. My eating it a hair shy of out of control again, I'm going back to my binge eating on chips and high-fat foods again. I purchased 2 Enell sports bras right before all of this hit and I've only used them for working out ONCE. I ordered the largest size they have and they're still very difficult to clasp when I put them on. OMG! These are MADE for bigger women and I'm too fat for them?? I think I'd like to scream.

With that as my intro, here's a warning that this is going to most likely be a VERY long post. I've vented to friends, I've ranted in two separate blogs I have, I've cried to my husband and I've screamed into my pillow. Nothing has helped. My motivation to lose this weight is gone but I still hate the woman I see in the mirror. My physical energy is drained due to my emotional and mental state since this all started to occur. I'm so tired all of the time but when I lay down to sleep my brain goes into overdrive. I'm at my wits end and my pride is out the window. I usually like to keep my private life as private as possible but I need support, insight and advice right now. Also, please forgive me if it's hard to follow. A lot of this events require knowing the story behind it to understand so I'll be backtracking a bit.

On the afternoon of August 23rd, my husband was served paternity/child support paperwork. His ex apparently filed for food stamps or medicare for the child and DCF is required to attempt to find the father to provide so they don't have to (amongst other reasons obviously but I'm a little perturbed about this whole thing). As if this event wasn't bad enough in and of itself, let me explain how our day had been up to that point. We already had to get up early to take my car into the shop so we decided to just stay up all night (we're night owls anyway so we wouldn't have gone to bed before 4am regardless) and catch a nap later in the day.

After dropping off the car, we had to go shopping for a new bed. For the first 5 months of the year we were fighting a pretty nasty infestation of bed bugs. In the process we ended up having to throw away our good bed because there was a nest on it, in addition to several irreplaceable framed pictures and my wicker nightstand. Thankfully my old bed (the good one was DH's) was still out in the shed so we've been using it. Well that one is almost 10 years old and about a month after we started using it, the box spring broke. We were now sleeping on a mattress directly on the floor and it wasn't working out well. DH and I both have bad backs (mine is lower back, his is spinal) so it was time to spend the money we didn't have to get a new bed.

The salespeople we encountered at these mattress places would've tested my patience on a day I was fully rested. Having no rest time and running on caffeine and sheer determination alone, I was done after looking at 3 places. These people, I kid you not, made car salesmen look timid. Once done with that and having a better idea what we wanted, we came home to try to catch that nap. I turned on my laptop to check our finances only to watch my monitor fizzle out and go black forever. For those of you keeping count, this is item #3 on the list of money about to be spent... and ALL IN THE SAME DAY! The one saving grace we had is that my laptop has a port for a monitor hookup so it was still able to function temporarily. But once it was hooked up, I was now shopping for a new laptop.

We figured we weren't going to be sleeping so we went out to lunch and, shortly after we came home, the mailman knocked on the door and served DH with the paperwork. We spent the next two hours until the auto shop called just trying to let it sink in and make sense of the document, especially since this girl told him he was NOT the father before he started making plans to move down here to marry me. (This was in West Virginia. We're in Florida.) There's a lot more to that whole story but I honestly don't think I have the strength to rehash it right now. Suffice it to say, there's a lot of holes in the information we know about it and certain things about it aren't adding up.

We've already sent out the required reply letter and gotten confirmation it was received. Now it's a waiting game until we get more information from the system up there but I would assume the next step is for DH to get tested for the paternity like he requested. With this being a legal matter, we're looking at a long, rough road ahead and I'm scared to death that our marriage won't survive it. We're both stressed out and, while the cause is the same, there are two different effects on us. Him being the possible father and me as his wife. It's already been rough when we talk about it because we're seeing it from two different viewpoints. But I know he really needs me right now so I've mostly bottled up the stresses and frustrations I have on the subject.

Adding to all of that, we're moving on October 1st and don't have a clue where yet. More issues have come up on my car that had to get repaired yesterday, I'm still having a great deal of trouble with my knees and now I have an impacted tooth that's causing me no end to pain but I don't have the health insurance anymore to get it taken care of.

I'm so sorry this was such a whiny post but I'm so frustrated right now and I don't know what else to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 10:02am
I just wanna reach out and hug you right now. I would say hey maybe a walk would help with your stress but your knees are bad so it may cause more harm than good. Is there a way you can seek someone to talk to about all the things going on in your life right now like a pastor or even a local health clinic that goes by your income? I happen to see one and just started doing that when I started this lifestyle change and I have found it helps me alot and im surprised at how much stuff comes up that I just leave bottled up for so long. I have never understood why a mother would tell a father this isn't your child I mean a child deserves to know both parents! I hope everything works out in that area and that the person doesn't drag things out and along just so its over for all of you soon! I hope tomorrow is a little brighter for you!

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 11:50am

I, too, just want to reach out and hug you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 1:08am

Hugs to you, I know that the paternaty thing can take a long time and that it is very stressful for everyone involved. Marrage can survive even if it is proved that the child is his, my sons father is still married to her so I know your marrage can survive if you both want it to work.


It has been many years since but after my son was born I was on assistance for a time and they had me sign a paper that stating ALL the men who could be the father-everyone between this date and that date. Thankfuly I only had to list one guy but there were several other lines for potential fathers. I have known a few people who were unsure if it was their ex'es or another guys kid.


Just remember that he has chosen to be with you and not with her, and if the kid is his I hope that you will allow him to be part of the childs life. The child should be allowed to know both parents and should never feel like he or she is the cause of any drama in the parents or stepparents lives.


Be patient and be forgiving of your husband and most of all be patient and forgiving of yourself. If you find you are eating your emotions, stop take a deep breath and forgive yourself and get right back to eating right. Everyone messes up now and again and, sometimes it can seem like a daily thing and one piece of advice i heard earlier this year is if you mess up forgive yourself and get back on track at one. I used to think that if I messed up that was it my whole day was blown. Now if I have a bad meal the day is not blown and I move on and do better with the next one.


It does seem that if one thing needs to be repaired or replaces other items can follow suit. If I need to purchase something major I usually get on line and compare prices and models on line rather than deal with pushy sales people-especially those who may be paid on commission. Last time I needed to replace my mattress the sales man was in my face as soon as I had walked in-the door hadn't even closed behind me. Times being what they were, I ended up getting a refurbished/used mattress and it has done well. Thankfuly we don't seem to have any problems with bed bugs, just spiders and mosquitos. the bite on my ankle is driving me buggy.


Life may knock you on the but a few times but it also makes you apreciate it more when things are going well. I think that everything happens for a reason and that we come out of bad times stronger and happier than we were before so hang in there,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
In reply to: amethystmist98
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:27pm

Aw Misty,


No apology necessary!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 10:14pm

(((((jada)))))

The knees aren't totally terrible, mostly it's bending them that hurts. I can still take a walk but I have to stay off the elliptical. I have a hard time finding the motivation to just walk because my neighborhood is a bit rough at times and I don't like walking alone. Using the treadmill at the gym, while at least safe, it boring as all get out. Most of the TV's carry news stations such as CNN and the like (which I hate) and music only takes me so far. I'm just full of excuses aren't I?

As for talking to someone, this is where my stubborn streak and my pride come in. I read your statement and in my head I was thinking, "Why do I need to pay someone for that when I can rant here for free?" While there is some truth to it, it more of an irrational fear of being locked into a padded room.

As for the paternal claim, DH and I don't understand the whole thing either but he tells me she wasn't all there upstairs to start with. Of course at that point the only thing I can think to myself is, "Then why were you having sex with her?" But I've had some ex-bf's who weren't all right in the head either so I know the heart is attracted to whomever it pleases, common sense optional.

Thanks for the support Jada =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 10:23pm

(((((Connie)))))

The phrase that sticks with me is "I know God doesn't give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much." Make no mistake, I know I will get through this and I'll come out the other side a better person and a better wife. I've been through a decent amount in my 31 years I've lived and I'm still standing. But it's a very difficult road, mostly because of the unknowns. I'm a control freak and I'm going nuts with this whole thing because I can't do a blessed thing to try to gain control of the situation. I'm just a bit character in a supporting role and I prefer to be in the spotlight. (I really don't know if that made sense but I hope so.)

I use my LiveJournal for regular life and emotional issues. My health journey journal is separate from that one on a totally different site. You may be right though. It's been a while since I posted on that one so maybe it's time to do so.

Thanks Connie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 11:48pm

(((((oregon))))) - forgive me I forgot your name =(

I think I may not have worded my rant too well. I am not jealous of the mother and there isn't a thought in my head that he'll go back to her. A little envious maybe but that's only because, as his wife, I wanted to be the one to bear his first-born. But I also have a child without a father (his choice and I've been unable to find him as he has a very popular name) and that's the last thing I would wish on anyone else. We've already discussed how we'd want to proceed if it turns out this little boy is his and he knows I support him in whatever he decides, whether it's to fight for some form of custody or just paying the child support and letting the child know his father across the miles.

While your reply kind of angered me a little (mainly the thing about hoping I would "allow" him to be part of his child's life) it also struck a chord and made a lot of sense. I got over it when I realized all you know of me is words on a computer and you really can't assume anything about anyone these days. So I thank you for angering me. Several things fell into place in my head and, with the help of our fellow boardie ladies, I think I may be ready to get back on track.

~Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 12:05am

((((((liz))))) I'm envious of your CL position. I have to say this is the BEST board I've been on. You and all of the other ladies are absolutely AWESOME!

Pretty much all of the issues except the paternity claim have been dealt with. Thankfully I was granted an extra set of Unemployment benefits and the deposit hit as a back pay for the last 2 months I've been without it. So I was able to get the car fixed (save for one issue that isn't a real threat to safety), we purchased a new bed and I ordered a new laptop online. My teeth are in dire need of work but I managed to get the infection under control without an E.R. visit so I'm happy about that.

I already have 3 journals (2 online, one notebook) so I'm not so sure about starting a 4th. However I do like your idea about the positive thinking and I might do that for my Facebook status each day, and maybe even just tack the same thing onto one of my blog entries as well.

Thank you Liz, and EVERYONE, for your wonderful support and advice!

~Misty

Here's the addy's for my blogs if anyone wishes to follow them...

Weight Loss: http://watchmistyshine.blogspot.com/

LJ: http://amethystmist98.livejournal.com/

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: amethystmist98
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 3:58pm

How is your month going?

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